MB Vets have my utmost respect. I see a MB vet as someone who has achieved a recovered marriage or one who has achieved a personal goal of overcoming an infidelity and who is moving on
with their lives. I see MB vets as respected individuals whose advise is crucial to the vulnerable newbies who post, and have been doing so for a few years.. Having said that, could someone let Mike C2 know that he is not quite recovered, given his desire for discovering new undoings by his WW and, personally, I do detect a bit of venom in his posts. I did see a post where he held himself out as a "vet". I have been here a lot longer than Mike, have been recovered for 4 yrs, and would never, at this juncture call myself a "vet". Maybe in a few years. GF

Um, GF, I'd say that Mike is fully aware that his marriage has yet to recover, though he and his wife are certainly working on it...

Please take a look at his signature line that I am posting below...


~emphasis mine

Mrs. W

Ok, Mrs W. I guess the trouble I have is his cynical outlook.
"Oh, yeah, My WW lied, is still lying, therefore, everyone on this website is lying. I have been on this site for a few years and this is the 1st person I feel really disconnected with. Mrs. W, if he were your BH, I am sure he would still be trying to dig up dirt on you. I just feel that he should move on, that his WW can't correct her sin, and will live a life of regret if she choses to remain with him. My H had an LD EA with an old HS GF.
At the mention of EA, Mike sprang into action .I wish it had been a F2F given her obesity, but it wasn't. I guess Mike fathoms an EA as nothing, though after 4 yrs I still struggle with my H giving that Bimbo the time of day. I know I will never overcome the entrance of that ho intro our lives. It may sem petty to some, but my hurt is still real, though becoming less raw. GF

(((((G_F)))))

Mrs. W

G_F - don't worry about Mike - he's an [censored] but he's a funny [censored] trying to make his way through all this crap just like the rest of us. He's a good man with strongly held opinions. Opinions vary. Don't let him get under your skin.

Agree Going_Forward

Would like to expand on a couple of things ...

A vet's post leads by example in that it is respectful, and without anger, even when being direct and brutally honest.

A vet's post gives insight to others so brilliantly and clear, this has only been achieved by their own personal growth and it comes through in their words.

A vet would respect their spouse while in R, if not, how is R even possible.



************************************************

I believe everyone has something to contribute since we all have our own previous experiences to draw on. We must decide if what we say is an offer of guidance or simply a stab to make others feel worse and ourselves feel better.

Agree. I've got a friend with a similar personality. Funny as heck, opinionated, kind of cranky, but a good person deep down.

As far as "vets" go, well, how might you classify me? WW had an affair 13 years ago and we did well in recovery with no knowledge of MB.com. Granted, our communication broke down, LBs worked their damage and A#2 happened.

When I walked in the door here, just over a month ago I considered myself a "rookie" and still do.

There are lots of opinions here. Some I like, others I take with a grain of salt. If you don't like a particular person, it is your perogative to not read their posts/ replies.

In Mike's defense, he just found out his wife is having an affair so naturally he is angry! Of course his marriage is not recovered. Yes, he has been here a long time but that does not mean he is immune from problems in his own marriage. His D-Day is barely 6 months ago.

Frankly, I really hate the term "vets" because it bestows an auto halo over a person just because they have been here for a long time. I cringe when I see people describe themselves as such. Seniority does not = wisdom or understanding of MB. It does not mean that someone actually practices MB in their own lives. And many do not. How does that help newcomers to label someone a "veteran" who doesn't even practice MB in her own life or understand the concepts?

I know people who have been coming here for 10 years whose marriages are a WRECK; who know very little about MB. Yet, I know 6 months "veterans" who know MUCH, MUCH more and actually implement the concepts they learn here. Wisdom can come from any place. Its easy enough to see who walks the talk around here.

And I will emphasize that I consider many divorced people to be a success. Sometimes divorce is the definition of success.

p.s. I can point to 2 people off the top of my head who have been here LESS THAN A YEAR that know as much or more as ME about MB and practice these principles in their own marriage.

I can also point to 2 people who have been here longer than me that have never even cracked a Marriage Builders book.

Granted, someone who has been here a long time probably has more education and experience than someone who is new. But not necessarily. I much prefer to gauge a person's wisdom based on their knowledge of MB and own personal life.

As a raw BS I can understand what Mike was saying, that does not mean I agree with it. As far as I am concerned we are all hurting and what is causing that hurt is essentially the same thing with some big and some small differences. Still betrayal no matter how it was done.

Mike has been a huge figure in my working through this. He can be caustic (I like that actually) and never really pulls punches and that can be very valuable. He also makes me laugh just when I think I am going to pull out all my hair and run screaming naked through the pastures. I am saying in his defense because the work he did with GM and his support, BS detector and direction that he has given me has been invaluable. I truly appreciate his thoughts and help.

((GF)) We are all in this together.

In my time here on MB, I have noticed something interesting. Some posters with whom I disagreed early on in my recovery now seem to dispense very sensible advice. Brings to mind the Mark Twain quote:


Depending on your own perspective and stage of recovery, different posters' words will resonate. And everyone has an opinion, vet or not. I look to those posters who can express their opinions without resorting to childish behavior. I'm also inclined to give recently betrayed posters a bit of a pass, since they've been through such a shock.

LOL! For you Mr. W~~~> Click Here

Mrs. W

One thing to keep in mind about Mike is that, as I understand it, when he was here before it was because he was really pushing to improve the marriage and the intimacy level - and she was resistant.

I'm sure that, after working for some time (including MB counseling) to improve things and to meet her ENs, not LB, etc etc etc, he may be that much more angry about the affair. Because it happened even though he and his wife had been thru all this material, and were aware of the pitfalls and dangers of infidelity.

Such a wiseguy.... :RollieEyes:

I laugh when anyone claims "I am a vet.".
Even worse ... "I am a pro.".

Whether the personal growth has come from a recovered, or yes a marriage ending in divorce, the words can be invaluable to teaching the rest of us.

My definition of a vet on this forum, is simply one who teaches us to be the best person we can be.

Take care

I have a question for any "Vet" on this forum...

How do I punish our 30lb cat for peeing on my red dupioni silk drapes???? :teef:

Mrs. W

lol
I'm not a vet but I have a cat.

Put cayene (sp) pepper on the drape, or moth balls near it

Spray water on him with a spray bottle when he gets near the drape

Fill a pop bottle with stones and shake it when he goes near the drape

Cat stew

There is a corner in our family room where every new kitten or pup seems to find to do their business. The floor is wood and has been washed, disinfected over and over again. They still seem to find that spot.

You spank him. He will get mad. He will go and do it again. He will also make a deposit on your bed. Then you spank him again. Lather, rinse, repeat.