Well, it happened. Here's the good, the bad and the ugly.

Let me first say that it might have been better if it never happened... things would have stayed the status quo. At least now the dynamic has changed and everyone knows where I stand. I'll bide my time, but there will be a confrontation.

My wife's friend, the other man and his brother were all at the bar when we showed up.

There was a somewhat tense sizing up of each other as all the players were recognized. I figured out who the OM and his brother were and they obviously knew right away who I was. I knew my wife's friend from year's ago.

My wife and I obviously did not sit at the same table as "the crew". We set up shop on the other side of the room. Eventually all of my wife's family and friends made there way in.

So the party proceeded pretty much with two segregated groups.

I knew that I was going to have to take some kind of role to get my mind off of things, so I decided that I would just take pictures and mingle with our friends in that way.

As the evening progressed, the OM sensing that I was just going to ignore him, finally made his move over to my wife. You know, the "I just want to wish you a happy birthday" thing.

Well, I lost it. I charged into him like a raging bull. I'm not exactly sure what expletives I let out but I had my finger firmly planted into his chest as I walked him backwards and told him to get away from my wife. It didn't really go any further than that as someone was in my ear telling me not to do this. So I thought better of it and stood down.

So things were a bit rocky after that. But, I had enough people there who were my friends to cool me down.

Later in the night the OM actually came over to me to smooth things over. It was a shaky truce to get through the rest of the evening. I'll give him "big man props" for coming over to me.

I know that is all alpha male stuff and I never envisioned things shaking out that way... but that's how it happened and I just reacted.

Okay, all that is over. It was a surreal experience.

Here are the benefits of last night.

Although a couple of family members knew about my wife's OM, the knowledge of her affair was generally not known. Now everyone in her family and her work friends know. This is going to force my wife to face the reality and not run from this anymore.

I'm very tight with my wife's siblings and cousins so they are all concerned that my wife and I move forward and make things work. Of course, they are primarily concerned about my wife's happiness, but I'm sure that they want to see us stay together, past history and all. I believe I have some allies there. I think some of her family was suprised to see some passion out of me as I'm generally easy going. It was a good learning experience for all.

Going forward, my wife absolutely knows that she can not go out for drinks with her long time friend. She knows where I stand. I'm going to have to vigilantly steer my wife away from her as time goes on. If we have to argue over it, that's the way it's going to be. In the reality of things, when we were together in the past, there was very little contact with the friend... I expect things to move into that direction, now that the birthday bash is over. My wife does understands that she has to keep me informed of what's going on and I will be watching.

I've learned that I can't completely trust my wife to make the right decisions all the time... she actually went out of her way to make me confortable at the party but I know she could very easily be drawn back into that crowd. It's her character flaw. She's weak.

Hopefully, I can convince her that she can't control other people and putting herself in these situations could have negative outcomes. I think she see's that but not clearly yet.

One more thing... After seeing this guy, I think I will have less images of the OM with my wife... the unknown shadowy figure is much worse.

rb,

1st, Two big THUMBS UP!!!

2nd, we faced a toxic best friend issue also, and eventually treated it the same as the OM and sent a NC letter to toxic BF. Just something to consider ...

again, well played, sir ... some may question whether you should have went, but after you were there anyway ... WELL DONE!!!

There ARE NO benefits. This will go down as one of the stupidest things you ever did.

You lovebusted the hell out of your FWW and did great damage to your marriage.

But hey - as long as all the chest thumping made you feel better

Does SHE KNOW this or have YOU INFORMED her. There is a big difference.

It seems to me as if a lot of your behavior might be pretty bullying. Bullying doesn't work.

I am not excusing your wife's behaviour and choices. However, I don't perceive your attitude to be one (yet) that would make me (if I were your wife) want to work on my marriage. You can't bully her into working on your marriage.

Please explain to me how this was a love buster? How did I damage the marriage?

There are love busters I need to work on. #1 is my angry outbursts with my wife.

I've read "Surviving An Affair", and I know I have to bite my lip and move forward with things.

My wife asked me if I want her to read it... I told her only if you want to. She picked the book up and started, it will give us things to discuss and work on.

Sometimes you can't put things into a cookie cutter solution. My wife has a real tight family and we spend a lot of time with them... usually drinking, but that's beside the point right now.

This is something that I bought into with the marriage, but the family get togethers are fine, because I'm well accepted within that circle and have close relationships with them myself.

The chest thumping was not planned... I knew it could happen and it did, but not how I envisioned it. We went into this with the plan that she would just ignore the OM at the party. She followed the script, we didn't have any control on what he would do.

My wife did not have the OM as a soul mate... the relationship was well on it's way to getting closer, but it was not at soul mate level. I think my wife was more attached to that circle of friends than to just the guy. That's something we will have to address and I think we will.

When my wife and I were seperated, she went to her girlfriend for support and emotional needs... that's how this got started. I think that when my wife reads more of the material that I'm providing her, she will begin to see the light. She's not stupid. I need to help her understand how to meet my emotional needs.

We have a lot of things going for us right now, for one we are living together again. My evenings are totally devoted to spending time with her (reacreational activity, affection, conversation, etc.) We go to bed on her schedule. These are all things that I changed about my self... there's other things I need to still work on, like my angry outbursts and I believe that I can get a handle on that.

My goal is to keep us into the "routine." We go work out together, have supper together, play cribbage or scrabble something in the evening, watch a movie, etc.. We both have professional jobs, that's the kind of things she needs to wind down day to day.

Another thing... your busting me for chest thumping... you are doing the same to me by your comment "There ARE NO benefits." You have no clue about how me an my wife interact. There are no cookie cutter solutions.

good grief....

She knows. She's repeated these things to me in our conversation. I know it's on her mind.

One of the things that she has expressed to me is the admission of how she has an idependent attitude and she needs to work on making decisions with me involved. I know she realizes that, she wants to be a good wife to me moving forward. I think that's a start.

MelodyLane <-- cookie cutter solutions.

I agree with this statement - I don't think your wife saw him as a "soul mate", I think she saw him as an option since she had given up hope on your marriage. And given that you had been living apart for a year and a half and had little to do with one another, she had some grounds for giving up hope. You had basically never had a real marital relationship during the course of your marriage, instead you'd both been living alone and meeting once a week or so for dates/sex.

I've said it before, but when you changed your behavior, you gave your wife hope that a real marriage with you was possible. When she realized she had a choice between a real marriage with you or dating this other guy, she chose you right away... because a real marriage with you was what she'd wanted all along.

In my opinion, the OM in your situation is almost irrelevant. He's really not worth your time. Your attention is better spent on building a real marriage, for the first time, with your wife. You both should avoid him, and that crowd of friends, and concentrate on marriage building.

Roy,

Please refresh my memory. Why were OM and your FWW at the same party?

My wife cooked up this party well over a year ago. She was trying to decide what she wanted to do for her 50th birthday. The plans were for her and her high school friend to celebrate their 50th birthdays together. The party was being planned well before the OM came into the picture.

So, the wheels were in motion way before hand.

The OM is the brother of the man dating my wife's toxic friend. That's the connection.

I'm sure he wanted to see if my wife was still available.

Wouldn't it have been better to have told OM not to show his face at the party? I don't understand why you'd support having a party with toxic friends and OM present. If the party was planned over a yr ago, that doesn't matter...change the plans.

Well I guess I could have went over to his appartment before hand and banged on his door and told him... but that would have been contact as well. We were hoping he wouldn't show his face, but he did.

There's no reason for any more contact with him... for me or her.

I'll have to watch vigilently that it doesn't happen.

For that matter, I'll have to meet my wife's ENs so she won't need to look for anyone else.

There was still no justification to not cancel the party after D day. Nothing good came from the party.

If anything with the OM approaching you after the big blow up only got to make him points by sticking around after the first confrontation and coming back to talk that he was not scared of you nor did he regret doing your WW.

Then you really helped your WW big time. If only half the bar knew that your WW was a lying, cheating, woman with lose morals and round heels. Your little boy tantrum made sure that every one knew when it was over.

Nothing like making recovery easier for your WW.

You lied to us here by omission. You were advised not to go there. You insisted that there would be no problem. When you knew you were looking for any excuse to have a confrontation with the OM.

I never said I wasn't going. I never insisted there would be no problem. No lies there.

I was willing to ignore him. It didn't work that way.

Sometimes a release of energy is a good thing. Sorry that it doesn't follow the gameplan.

Hey, this forum is a forum of peers. Read the description above. It's up to everybody to decide for themselves how to proceed. I'm just sharing my experience. You can and obviously will make judgements on your own. As far as I can tell, my wife and I are still married and on recovery this very day.

Maybe some of you know better?

You did not have to go over to OM's apartment. You could have told toxic friend to tell OM not to show his face and if he did show up that you and WW would leave. It didn't have to involve a lot of drama. Just the fact that WW still wants to have a birthday party with toxic GFs would have been a deal breaker for me.

OM showed up with a smirk on his face and he left with it too.

He can go home with his smirk... I went home with my wife.

You know, hindsight is 20/20. Okay, maybe we should have told that to toxic friend. Didn't think about doing that.

Comments like this, "OM showed up with a smirk on his face and he left with it too.", are exactly the same attitude as me wanting any confrontation with the OM. It just keeps it going. And it keeps it going for anyone here having resentment over their spouses affair partner.

I think that seeing who the other person is, is a good thing. I'll recognize him again if we should every happen to run into him by chance. Or maybe you think that me and my wife should move to another state? You know, some things just aren't practical.

Yes, otherwise known as using common sense. A strategy that is sorely missing here.

***edit***

You need to ban your wife's skank of a friend from both of your lives, at all costs.

Ban ALL unremorseful cheaters from your lives while you're at it.

That's what I've done, except for my mother. Even in her case, I've considered it.