No apologies needed girlfriend and don't feel you need to leave either. You have valid points. He did a few times call and say he was around and wanted to pop by. I wasn't a regular thing and it dropped off after a few tries. We just send the 1st actual snail mail copy and its working very well. When I saw him that night he wanted to stay over, he asked me if I could mail him a copy and I said I would. Since then its been much better. He was only getting email correspondence and he claims his employer had given him a new email address.

Here's some of why he does it an of course it doesn't give excuse. My H works all over the Southern California area all the way down into to San Diego. Its a really vast area. He does not know his schedule til about 1 week before but it constantly shifts up until the night before. He has 4 appointments daily ranging all over that huge area. So there are times when he happens to never be in this area and its really hard for him to get here. Of course I would make the drive, but then he drives hundreds of miles everyday so I cannot speak for him. I would drive to the end of the world for them. So that's why he would call and see if he could visit. And he only asked me that 1 time if he could spend the night and he was told no i don't want to share and he hasn't asked again. He did try to stay late on the sink night but I told DS10 time for bed at 9PM and then said thanks for fixing the sink what door did you want to leave out of? Then he left 5 minutes later.

But really you have valid point, don't feel you need to leave. I hear what you say, and apply what I feel I need to. After 2nd PB letter, which I hope is the push SB says might help, the PB will be dark. Can't promise perfection but I always try hard with what I do.

And yes Janye you are right. 1 year of d-day is April 23rd. Still have a ways to go yet. I think he's worth the wait. I was the nutso when we first got married and he looked past all my crap and BOY was it horrid. I only experienced change after Christ entered my heart. I used to ask my H why did he stay when I was so horrible, he said he loved me. So its my turn.

Yes I may try to push 6 months past the 1 year mark, that would make it about 18 months. I'm not in a hurry and it doesnt matter to me if I look silly. God uses the silly things to confound the wise. I'm already silly anyways so I can't look any sillier LMAO

BF
Hey there, I do see what you are saying. I do focus on recovery of my marriage. But right now my focus is also on my kiddos. I have 2 kids home schooled so they are with me 24/7 unless DS10 has a sleep over somewhere or DD18 goes out for the evening.

I have been a SAHM for the entire marriage. Its what H and i wanted. We both wanted mom to the one here for the kids full time. I am holding up my vows to him as I am not divorced and I cannot date for obvious reason nor could i even emotionally commit to anyone either. But I don't just uphold my vows to him, I am upholding them for my children too. I am here for them.

The worst place ever to hit my H is in his pocketbook. He hates debt and is very concerned about money. By making him pay for everything it hits him hard and the OW also gets no money from him. I have been told that this is not the time to get a job as if this ends in court it will look better on paper that I am still a SAHM. If I get a job now that would be more money in their pockets and sorry but I don't want to fund that mess.

I see that both you and your H have agreed on days. My H and I have not agreed on days. I set the days I felt were fairest to him as his schedule is crazy and it doesn't always work. A while back H said that he has not agreed to anything so technically he is right. But now the schedule seems to be working. He has said he was in the area a few weeks back when he dropped off the W2 for me but we said we would be out and to leave it under the mat. So he doesn't always get what he wants.

I have been gone several nights a week so H can't rely on the fact that I am living for him and tonight, as long as its not pouring i will taking a salsa class. But thanks for sharing and stopping in.

There is also stuff that not everyone knows about too that is going to help H realize I am not living just for him. I think the sink issue did a very good job visually of this.

Is the email ginormously important?

I can't see my email on yahoo....

Dat's all.

Hey T2L, just checking in.
Much dialogue on your sitch today.

But the bottom line is everyone here wants you to be happily reconciled in your M.

Everyone has their own opinion and each is right in their own way.

Only you know your own situation and how it will work for your family. The bottom line is we are rooting for you.

I do like the idea of Bestfriend about working. I know it looks better to the court (but you are not involved in that mess)
but maybe you get a job for only up to 10 hours a week so that in H's eyes you are asserting your independence. Showing H you are standing on your own without him supporting (translates - depends, needs, adores). Just a thought.

Take care.

Kimmers, I got it taken care of.

Cat, I for one had no idea you hadn't experienced infidelity. There are many people I run across here that I don't know their stories at all. (You being one of them.) And I have been here for almost 4 years.

I did, but I read on the EN board a bit.

Just wanted to say the pizza night... I was on the phone with T2L and she very much wanted him to leave, couldnt figure out how to do it without it being a LB. So we decided to send her DS to shower earlier than usual, she reiterated to WH that the IM had sent a visitation schedule, and he left about 5 minutes later.

All very polite, strong and no audible "oh please push my boundries more" IMO

Sure. I'll take y'all's words for it. But on this side of the equation, we just see a lot of slipping. I hope it works out.

Lets feel the love everyone! Were all in this together!

At the end of the day we post to a forum so that we can receive advice and validation. If we wanted to be right, we'd post a blog and leave it at that.

I have had both sides on my thread and I don't always like the varying opinions. Catperson has been one of the toughies alongwith MelodyLane and BigKahuna. They throw punches when they need to and rarely miss.

You know what, I miss them when they do not show up as the heavy voice of reason. I often wonder if they still read my threads but choose not to post. I feel more alone without them and I so wish I knew what they thought too, even if I don't agree. As the BS I think we are in our own fog sometimes and with so much invested in our marriage with children, dream homes, beautiful memories and the love of our life, we want to rid of the WH so much that we are willing to do anything and look at our situation with buttons for eyes.

I truly believe that Catperson is not trying to cause problems, she's merely reading the other part in the script that is just as important. Dealing with a WH is always dealing with a controlling selfish spouse and there is always something to learn. I really admire and respect her opinion which runs a lot deeper than just father, brother, sister. She's amazing.

T2L, you are holding your head high in a devastating war on your marriage and you are really doing a great job. Weigh up all of the advice and let God guide you, but don't shoot the messenger. People post to you because they love and care for you.

Good morning T2L! Another day, another hill to climb.

I'll be in and out today, so if you need anything just call - don't wait for me to get online.

Geez, 2M2L...

fwiw, I would post more on your thread if YOU would post more, lol! I check for it every day, but I don't like intruding unless you're there ready to spill, kwim?

Truly, though, I'm just being a devil's advocate.

I was talking to my H about his company, how he always wants people to participate in the meetings, even the lower-level people, because how else will you know what's wrong? His boss only wants the top management to know what's going on, and H thinks that's not only stupid, but dangerous for the growth of the company. Information and insight is always key. (and conversation!)

Cat, thank you for having the time and patience to explain your stance more clearly. I totally see where you are coming from and, as usual, your points are worthy of consideration.

T2L, if you can't get a job, how about volunteer work? You could probably even do something with the kids that would work into their school curricula. Volunteering at a hospital, or art gallery/museum, or homeless shelter, or SPCA... that would get you out of the house, involve you in new acquaintances (all female, of course!), and give you goals and focus outside of your own family. Not instead of, but in addition to.

Hi turtle head,

IMO still like the idea of T2L working for real money even if it for very little hours a week. This will give the impression of T2L trying to make it on her own (perception of being independent and not have to depend financially on H) which keeps him in power.

True, Hope.

Volunteer work = I have an interesting life
Work for $$ = I will be fine by myself

Hmm... T2L, do you have any skills that you could use for a home based business? Calligraphy, sewing, sculpture, jewelry making, baking cakes, training dogs, photography? That could show WH that you have options (he doesn't need to know how much you're making (or not)) and at the same time not mess up things by you having a dependable income outside of WH's salary.

:RollieEyes:

I'm signing off for now.

No Jayne. Don't. Please don't. Your opinion is valued.

Okay, I must have totally missed something.
Why the rollie eyes?
Have I put my foot in my mouth?
Come back!

I usually hit reply down at the bottom of the page, no matter who I'm replying to. Hopefully that's what happened.

Jayne, thank you. Not for signing off, either!

Today is therapy day, so I've got to go get busy. We should be all done with therapy by the end of the school year...amazing, considering that my oldest is dealing with about 7 years of sexual trauma with other kids. But children are so resilient, and he's making great progress!

Hee hee, I'm going to be brainstorming about an awesome job for Ms T, as soon as she is ok legally to get one. Bet I can think of some good ones.

Mornin' Y'all. I don't know why I say that its not as if I'm from the country LOL

Ok I'm calmed down, maybe I miss read the comment. I am as what my kids call me, a momma. I see bright futures in my children and speak life and destiny to them as much as possible. I do believe our words carry weight and are creative. This is my spiritual side talking, so its kinda a take it or leave kinda thing. Anyways I speak creatively over my children I try my best to avoid speech that does not create the life I see for them or the life that God sees for them, so that's why I got a bit angry. As soon as I got off I went and ministered words of life to my kids and took authority over any words that I thought were not to be apart of their future. Sometimes we speak death and darkness and we don't realize it and we don't mean it. Nuff said.

Anyways, I am not a hater. Not a part of my nature, I do not hate CAT or Mimi and feel, yes they has valid points, as I have said over and over the last few days. I love y'all. I love Cat and I love Mimi too. Can't have made it this far without y'all and every poster. I may use the advice or I may not but that does not mean I don't feel what they say is valid or true, I just may not use it. And BTW Jayney it was CarolH's thread that I am implementing as well I understand my battle and see even clearer how big this battle is and I am not going to let myself get discouraged. I believe there are eternal things at steak....too long to go into.

But overall, I have absolutely no regrets in the way I have worked the plans. I feel my Plan A was pretty rockin-I mean I got H to cheat on her regularly and I met all the needs pretty well. My Plan B, not too bad either, really in the last 3 months H has not seen me or talked to me but the few times and they were very brief. I have no excuses, because I chose every thing that has been done thus far. The break's were chosen, the sandwich was laziness and I TOTALLY FORGOT that I shouldn't let him meet my needs because I was so concentrated on not meeting any of his by trying to stay dark-ooops . But really he sent a sandwich in and was made to go to the park and eat it cuz I wouldn't let him in.

I have no regrets. I feel H is learning that I will not accept crumbs. I think he is actually scratching his head about it. T2L is not gonna share me. And I'm not. I understand my value. He's gotta ditch the b*thch as my saying goes.

Anyways, I'm fine, gonna spend some time in prayer today and DS10 has swim class and jui jitsu and lots of home school stuff, studying and another darn test LOL. Tests mean momma has a 2 hour study session.

Yeah turtle the volunteer thing is something I can look into. I have done most of my volunteering at my church when I was leading worship but have been gone from church since end of December to last Sunday when I came back. I have not gone back singing yet. So weird I have not sang in almost 2 months. But I was doing some cleaning there as we didn't have a cleaning crew come in and I am a servant at heart so I could do that. I did do it once in Dec and brought DS10 with me and he wanted to help to and did all the vacuuming and it made both of us feel good.

As far as the work thing goes, yes it may make it seems that i don't need him but until any papers are filed i have been told do not get a job yet. The courts can order that and I need to appear as I have been a stay at home mom the entire time, which I have.

Anyways love to everyone.

Ewe, I like that do I have a new name??? Ms T Yippeeeee