BTW...Yes DD18 after taking that temp position at the local JC college has decided to go to college on campus and I couldn't be more thrilled. You see I know my DD better than anyone in the world even her self. I have known from the time she was young that I have to use the back door with her. You say yes she says no. So when she said she wanted to go Online college I just listened and carefully expressed my "back door" comments on it. But God is good that way. He opened a door for her to have a 2 week job at the college under the table because she was actually to young but they told her be quiet we like you were giving the job to you. So it opened her eyes to it. I was never crazy about the online thing but with DD18 the more you push the more she pushes and I have gotten such great results training her using back door. So i do agree that she should go to an acuual campus.

T2L,

I don't think it is unusual for your DD to have second thoughts and some concerns about leaving home and going to college on campus. I think this would be true even if your WH was there. I think it is pretty natural to be a bit afraid of "what's next" after high school.

I think him being gone magnifies some of these insecurities, but she seems to be a smart girl. She had a discussion here and received various opinions, she talks to you, she does research. She isn't sitting back with her arms crossed "No way! I wanna stay home and that's it!"

From what you have said, you both seem to be processing and being reasonable about decisions. I think that is very smart on both of your parts.

I haven't posted to you much but have read your thread from the beginning.

Take care.

Hi WH, agree with what you said.

T2L, I remember when D28 was trying to figure out where she wanted to go and decided on a college about 2 hours away. 2 weeks before she was supposed to leave she came home one night and had a HUGE meltdown -- didn't want to leave, wanted to work for a year, take one course...She kept it up for a few days and then changed her mind again and again.

She panicked the first week and then never looked back and happily graduated in 4 years!

You do have a nickname, because I'm lazy. It's much easier for me to type Ms T than T2L.

Well hello WH!

Yeah I think you're right she may have been a bit nervous about college but that little 2 week job in the book store cured it. I use my self as an example so I know that she will finish college. I tell her now look at momma. She got married right out of high school, stayed at home and raised you both and I have no regrets.

I was here for 1st smiles, steps and milestone. That was important to both me AND my H. One of the reasons why it was so important to us that I stayed home to raise them was because of the statistics. Where we lived up til 2 years ago had one of the highest child abuse and sexual abuse amongst children in the nation and for over 10 years. It horrified us more to put them in day care than struggling financially.

Anyways back to story...so I say look at momma, don't do this. I say get your degree then if you want to come home for 20 years and raise your kids, go for it but should anything happen in your life you will have that little degree waiting for you. Great thing is she says I know momma I will. But yeah she has always known she must finish college but I think she was nervous. Now she seems excited about it.

Great! I think in today's society it is VERY important that a young person finishes their education. It's just too hard to get by nowadays without that.

T2, I'd like to reassure you about the effect of father's extended visitations on mental health of your son. Many studies found that although the divorce is devastating for all pre-adolescent boys, the prognosis for maladaptive adjustment for such children DEPENDS on the number of protective factors, pre-existing mental health conditions, and a level of marital conflict between parents.

The most important protective factor for preadolescent boys, according to longitudinal studies, was the amount of father's involvement and their positive interactions with boys. Apparently, preadolescent boys with engaged fathers later demonstrated a higher level of cognitive development and fewer internalizing problems and behavioral disturbances compared to boys with disengaged and unsupportive fathers.

Well thanks for sending that. We had a good marriage, LOL I thought, before the A. We didn't fight and the kids were in a stable happy loving environment pre-A. Kids both tucked in by dad every night even DD17. There were no pre-exisiting mental health problems in DS10 prior to the A. H talked with an did things with son before all this as well but not as much as mom. DS10 is a momma's boy but I know that probably would have changed sooner or later. But overall H is supportive of DS10. H was a pretty bad father during the 1st 6 months of the A but now it seems that he has really taken interest more in our son and I think he realizes he could have been an even better father and I think is trying at this point. I can see the joy it causes my son and that is priceless. I can be his mother but I cannot be his father in all ways that his father can. And If I thought for a minute my son was in danger I would not let him visit. I'd find a way so cut them back and have them monitored. Thanks for sending that info.

IM's and Ms T, if you haven't seen it, I sent an email about the financial info. Please look at it as soon as you can.

Never mind!

This concerns me, T2L. I understand what you may mean. And this is much better than many, including my H during his affair. But, IMO, really taking interest is COMING HOME. It remains devastating to your son for his father to be absent, don't ya think? I'm not wanting to give your WH much credit for this...

I'm saying this because I know that my H used any continued family involvement as RATIONALIZATION for continuing his affair..saying to himself, "at least, I'm doing this...at least, I'm doing that"...and using the OW's sense of values and ethics which was so different than ours, she had convinced him that it was OK to leave your children, that VISITATIONS, etc. were enough...trying to convince him that abandoning his family was OK.."Everyone is doing it"..YUCK...

The WH looks like your real husband but he is not. He is actually an ALIEN BEING. IMO, he cannot be a good father at this time while addicted and under the influence. Of course, it is important not to rob your son of his company..I agree with that..but HANDLE WITH CARE..he is not as he seems to be...

I agree he should come home, but he has not. I completely agree that it is far better for H to be here in the home for DS10.

I am however glad that he is at least spending time with DS10. So much of what I have heard and read so far says this is better for DS10 than outright abandonment. If he does not visit DS10 the abandonment issues and rejection issues could be far worse.

I think the visits shouldn't be visits he should be home. I am hoping he comes home. DS10 is trying to get his courage to ask his dad to come home. He keeps telling me he wants to ask daddy to come home but he is nervous. I tell him when your ready you will.

I would love to force H to do what's right but he must make the choice. Until then I can only be the best parent I can be. I am pretty sure the Sea Hag tells him its not a big deal but I know H has to think about it sometime. When he lays his head down at night he has to know. He can lie to himself if he wants but that too is out of my control. If I tell DS10 he can't visit or discourage it I feel the repercussions are far worse. But yeah I do agree with you. I wish I had a magic wand but Mr. T2L must make a choice.

I agree. He is not the man I married or knew. He is not a good father right now, and I try to explain this to DS10 without it becoming a bashing party. I try and explain what I would do and compare it that way instead of tearing down his dad. I think H can do that on his own LOL. I don't trust him as far as I can throw him and try to convey that as neutral as i can but DS10 needs to see his dad. At the start of the A when he left DS10 had such an identity crisis for not being the same as other kids. Other kids had fathers. So seeing his dad for the few hours 3 times a week gives him the acceptance he needs from his dad and the feeling that he is not different. But I do handle with care as best I can. I am not at the visits so I have to kinda ask DS10 when he comes home how was the visit. He usually comes back very happy but he misses that his dad has to leave and wishes he could stay.

How was your salsa class?

I GOTCHA!!

hey T2L, remember I told you about the locked thread with the crazy poem about H and OW. Found the link. WTH

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2208248#Post2208248 :twobyfour:

I hope I don't need to say that any poetry I wrote about the A would be a VERY DIFFERENT style.

LOL yeah Hope you were right, that's uh pretty gross.

BTW, thanks IM's your my friendly neighborhood postal center LOL. I owe stamps to a lots of yous! Thanks Mrs. W too!

I hadn't wanted to get on and post because of all the chaos. I figured I'd just stay off for a bit and let things settle.

Nuttin new to report. No contact. H still calling DS10 at 8:15 every night. This is an improvement as H used to call past bedtime and was notified by the IM's several months back that DS10 will be in bed by 8:30 so he needs to call before that so now he calls at 8:15 every night.

I signed DS10 up for this home school swim course about 3 weeks ago that is put on by the city parks and rec center. He loves it! It is so nice to hear him say at night I can't wait til tomorrow for swimming. I love this class momma its so fun. He actual hasn't said he's loved anything for a while. I mean he tried baseball and hated it, did soccer and hated it, did football and for the most part he liked it but he hated the practice because they were so brutal. But this swimming he loves! ITs 2 weeks of the various swimming strokes, then 2 weeks of diving and then 2 weeks of water polo. They are diving now. He is learning proper technique and yesterday he did his 1st back dive off diving board. Its a hoot watching! DS10 is also taking a Jui Jitsu class once a week now too. He seems pretty happy about all the new stuff he is trying.

And on the brighter side he has now slept in his bed every night since Monday. I think moving him to the room next to mine helped. He was in a room that was at the front of the house. This room is also smaller so he feels cozy in there. He's pretty proud of his self, course momma gives him atta boys in the morning.

G'night y'all.

hi T2L, swimmng is great. My D28 was on a swim team for years. Great exercise and you can excel individually and as a team.

So you looked at that sitch with the poem, it almost caused a riot. The nicest touch was link to pig noises from Melody!