Sorry, but I'm going to reiterate my new theory.

There is no such thing as a male EA.

Poly him, and I bet you a domestic beer he pulls a Chewie.



Edit: hmmm..."pulls a Chewie"...TM Mike C2 2009

"pulls a chewie"

I hear what you're saying, but I disagree. If she was local, then yes, I'd agree with you. But at any rate, I don't want to T/J...we could have a whole other discussion about this though.

Absolutely.

Look at what he WANTED to send OW...


He wanted to let her know how he got busted...that it wasn't TOO incriminating...so she doesn't panic on her side.


Letting her know that this is the story he is sticking w/.


Letting her know he is protecting her.

Re: the "Just an EA" vs. a "PA", I must say this...

My first D-day was "just an EA". It sucked. It was very traumatic. I was hurt, angry and very upset. I cried alot. I was very sad that he had been talking to another woman more than me...while I had been giving him the "space" he claimed he so badly needed.

But that did NOT compare to d-day #2 when I found out it was a PA. Not even close.

This is not said to diminish the pain of a BS whose spouse had an EA...not at all. I know it's painful, I was there for the first 3 weeks after initial discovery.

I'm just saying that when an A goes physical, that is a whooooooole new ballgame.

/threadjack

I honestly can't say how that (reacting to a PA) feels. I'd be lying if I said I could even imagine. My FWH's EA was sexual in nature (sexual texts and the ho sent a mostly-nude pic). But for me, when someone says it's "just" an EA, it implies it's not as serious, and that's what I find insulting. I think the gender of the BS makes a difference re: EA vs. PA reactions too.

Oh I think so too....I would never say that it didn't absolutely change things.

My god. Ive just read though this entire thread.

Ive never seen such blatant cruelty. But I doubt that you will see it that way, Chewie. I dont think you can see it. I bet you have spent most of your life detached from everyone and everything and this A of yours? You are attached to it because it makes you feel something. Something other than self loathing that is.

You know, I actually know someone like you.

This friend of mine, I will call Dr X. Smart. Sucessful. Incapable of being faithful or of having any real connection to another person. He is cheated on every single woman that he has ever been with. Like you, he's been caught numerous times, lied his way out of every one of them. For him, it was never about the pain that he was causing people he loved. It was only about feeding his ego, about lying enough to get himself out of trouble so he could continue what he was doing. He did this for years.

Funny. I remember him complaining about each one of his partners. Each one of them had something wrong with them. Not in shape, not pretty enough, one even had *gasp* love handles. It didnt matter to him that one of them supported him all through medical school, another one was there for him through the death of his father. They were disposable.

He made all the right noises, just like you. Every time he was caught, he would say all the right things. He was so much smarter than everyone else, you see.

About 4 years ago, his latest long time girlfriend had had enough of all the lies. You see, she KNEW that he was incapable of any kind of honesty or genuine connection. He needed to have his ego fed and would do anything to get that. Deep down, he KNEW what he was. He was more broken than any one person could ever fix. He couldnt face himself and what he was, so he blamed his own failings on the women in his life. He escaped to fantasy because the reality of himself just couldnt be faced.

She left him. My friend had a complete nervous breakdown. Lost his job, his houses, his medical license. It was one thing to be outed in all of his affairs. But this women, she outed HIM.

He's been in therapy for years now. He doesnt practice medicine anymore, he lives a very different life. He hasnt had a girlfriend in a long time, just recently met someone. I suppose you could in some ways say he is broken man, but I think he is actually finally becoming whole. Because he is at least honest now. He owns his own stuff. I like him alot better.

Im not going to tell you how you've destroyed your W. How you have inflicted such unspeakable cruelty, such damage on someone who has treated you far better than what you have deserved. These things wont hit home with you, will they?

What might hit home is this.

You actually are as small as you fear.

Now there's an understatement. I don't know if you are **edit** just don't give a damn, enjoy getting your kicks at the expense of your family or what but you are seriously messed up. If I were Chrys, I'd kick **edit** into Nevernever land and be done with you. That is her choice to make but if you honestly have no intention of ending your A and plan to carry on your facade, do one **edit** decent thing by her and tell her the truth.

One of these days, **edit**, look in the faces of your children and apologize to them **edit**.

Excellent break down of Chewie's letter, Marsh! ITA!

Mrs. W

I just have to say, Chewie's arrogance has been chewing at me, so to speak. He makes early Green Mile look like Barney Fife.

He really must think his BW is an idiot to keep up this facade. the pretend to be so interested in an NC letter, like that matters a bit. Then the letter saying "an emotional affair" lol.

Then deflecting by browbeating his BW for her shortcomings as a mother and trophy wife.

I'd be interested to see what the extent of the polygraph questions were. Who knows what else this guy had been up to. Other affairs, ONS, hookers, secret finances, god only knows.

Not that I believe you about the sex, but how about mutual masterbation in front of one another? How about rolling around naked together?

OW MUST be a blowup doll!

I agree with you Marsh about this first version of the no-contact letter. When I read it I immediately thought, this is code. He was telling her "this is my story, and we need to stick to it."

My BS detector was off the charts.

I haven't read this whole thread. Has there been any exposure done? IMO, there should be nuclear exposure at this point.

.

My H actually suggested that this could be Chewie's plan. I was shocked to find this quote in one of Chrys's posts, dated 02/28/2007.

How about it Chewie?

And have you actually owned up to the PA yet?

Hi Chewie

You have made things more difficult for you and Chrys by continuing to be less than 100% honest, that needs to change if you are going to have any hope of recovering your marriage. You need to be radically honest from this moment onwards, even if that honesty causes some more upset for you and Chrys. The truth will set you free. Bullsh!t only grows mushrooms. You choose, freedom or fungus.

I agree with the thoughts of others about your NC letter, it could have been better, but it is sent and therefore can not be changed. I don't care if it was a good letter or not, the important thing is to stick to it. NO CONTACT EVER! I know it can be a big temptation to make contact but we must not. There is only going to be a short term "positive" return, and the negative impact on the marriage will last for much longer and be harder to repair each time.

So your poly did not go well. Aside from the sex aspect of the poly were there any other questions that you "failed" or that have caused things to become more tense between you and Chrys? I understand that the sex question/answer is a sticking point, you said no and the machine said yes. If you are not being honest with your assertion that "you did not have sex with OW" then NOW is the best time to be honest about that, if you have already been honest it is very unfortunate that the poly did not show it, it will take a lot of hard work to get Chrys to trust what you are saying, you have not been honest with her in the past so why would she start trusting what you are saying now? Keep doing everything you can to show her that you can be trusted and, with enough time, things will start to get better.

Chewie, if there is anything in your life that is still hidden from your wife then you had better unhide it now.
I am sure that your wife wants you to be her husband and I am also sure that she wants to work on your marriage with you, it is not something that you can do alone.
Stop being dishonest. Stop thinking about how nice the OW is, she is not! She is poison to your marriage, you can not drink poison and stay healthy and your marriage is the same, stop taking the poison and health will return. Even just thinking about that woman will poison your marriage even more.

Now here is some practical advice, how to win you wifes heart.

Buy your wife flowers, take her (not the kids) for a walk in the park, take her to a show, theatre, movies, take her shopping for whatever she wants, take her out for coffee and conversation. You know your wife better than I do you know what she likes doing, so do those things with her. Ring her from work one day and ask her if she wants to go on a date. Get romantic and make her fall in love with you again.

I know I'm super late....but....

IT'S NOT AN "AFFAIR" (*&#$()@#^(* IT!

IT'S ADULTRY.

IT'S INFIDELITY.

IT'S DIRTY, ROTTEN CHEATING.


But it's NEVER an affair. Affairs involve dinner, dancing, and living life IN PUBLIC.

It is not something you hide from your family and friends.

I have taken my time in writing to Chewie, mainly because I was so shocked and angry.

But his case isn't any different from the run of the mill affairs here. He is addicted, and addicts lie. Doesn't matter if they are docs or junkies, they lie to continue getting their fix.

So I'm disappointed, but this affair is just like all of the others we read about here.

Hope that some former Waywards (Thanks Flick) will pitch in and help.

No Mike.

I had a Chewie type Wookie once.

He doesn't think his wife is an idiot.

Once he leaves the confines of his house, he doesn't think about his wife at all.

Or his kids.

Or the OW, for that matter.

All he thinks about once he leaves the house is HIM.

All of this is about him. About how HE feels about it. What is HE going to do? How is HE going to talk his way out of it? How is HE going to twist it to be someone else's fault? How does HE use all HIS energies to deflect and gaslight?



Chewie,

Because I know what kind of Wookie you are, I also know what kind of tart you've chosen to string along.

Let me tell you something.

Her "crazy" is JUST beginning to show.

She will get worse than attacking your wife's physical appearence...she's going to get a lot worse. And since the karma bus is running up HER back right now, she won't care about losing her job if it means you get equal track marks on your hinder.

BTDT, and the view wasn't fun.



You and your wife need to shore up your defences quickly....that is, if'n you've not burned the bridge to your wife to cinders by now.