I have been in a relationship with my wife now for 22 years. For 13 of the years we have been married. We are both 36 years old and we meet at school. My wife and I have 3 children. 9, 7 and 3. For the past 5 years I have treated my wife badly. I have on 3 occasions acted inappropriately with 3 separate ladies. The first occasion I meet a lady at work. We formed a bond and became real close. My wife found a text message on my phone saying ‘I Love you too’. After this I moved away from the marital home for quiet a few months. We sought counselling and through time we managed to reconcile things and we moved forward. The lady has since left my current place of employment.

One the second occasion I was seen with a lady who my wife disliked. My wife had a gut feeling about this lady. This lady was involved with my son’s soccer team. I was the coach. We were seen together alone. As innocent as it was I except that I shouldn’t have been alone with this lady. We were awaiting the arrival of a third person when we were seen. My wife took this hard as her trust was already very fragile. But to her credit she tried to move forward. I didn’t have any feelings towards this lady. It was more the fact I lied as to my whereabouts. Which I did to protect my wife’s feelings. I should have been honest from the start and I except that. I believe I showed nothing more than bad judgement in not telling the truth to my wife on this occasion. I have since changes soccer teams.

On the third and most recent occasion I acted inappropriately with a lady I meet in a club. I was there with a group of friends as it was a going away party. My behaviour was regrettable and I demonstrated bad judgement. As I sat talking to this lady (we were sat with a large group of people) we talked about everything from years married, births of our children (she had three children as well) we spoke about all honest and open family topics. But during the course of the night this lady became very touch feely and for whatever reason I didn’t stop it or her. I am again away from the marital home. With all these 3 women I have never ever sought anything sexual from them.

After the first incident I sought help from a psychologist. She help both myself and my wife deal with issues and was a major influence on us surviving. After the second incident I was seeing a doctor or my own and she helped me deal with the lying and I was able to move forward. I only saw this counsellor a few times, on my own. My wife didn’t come and possibly didn’t know I was seeking professional help. After this most recent incident I have returned to my original psychologist and have gone on a mental health program. I have also been diagnosed as suffering depression (Im not taking any medication as yet). My psychologist has diagnosed me with a form of Attachment Disorder. She can trace this to my childhood up bring where I was raise solely by females i.e. my mum, nana, aunts ect (my therapist believes my mum suffers from narcissism) I had until recently a lot of resentment towards my mum. I had no solid male influence in my life growing up. So now she feels I can’t connect with males and this is the root of my problem. My Doctor has been in discussion with my psychologist and he is also agrees with her diagnose. She feels as a man all Im seeking is approval from these ladies. Hence me not being interest in sexual pleasure ect. I appreciate that depression and mental health isn’t an excuse or reason to act this way. But my therapist said they are an explanation for my behaviour.

After each occasion I have sort some form of help. I would continually write letters to my wife explaining my sorry and hurt for treating her this way. I do understand that every action has a reaction and that consequences will follow. In my letters Im always apologetic and I promise I will never hurt her or our children again. My wife is now finding it hard to believe me as she feels my sorry and apologies are the same old continual pattern. And I don’t blame her for thinking that. She must have a pile of them by now. However I find it’s hard to communicate any other way when I have hurt her feelings.

My question to you all is do you believe that after reading my brief history do you firstly believe that my mental heath can be an explanation for my actions and secondly and most importantly. Do you think there is any way possible I can make my relationship work with my wife? I want to make it work. I don’t think its hard work or anything. I feel I have learnt everything about myself now and I can’t possibly hurt her or my family anymore. I have stood up and taken ownership for my behaviour and Im willing to do whatever is possible to improve as a person and as a husband. My wife is adamant were finished. Which I find really sad as I feel my heath issues do play a part and Im working as hard as possible to fix them. My psychologist has suggested I stop therapy as Im at point now where I have answered all my own questions and I have no more confusion and I know the direction I wish to seek. Im certain Im over my problems and Im feeling better as a man. Im embarrassed for the hurt I have caused my wife. Im shattered that I have done this again. I have thought long and hard about weather it would be best for me to walk away and leave her be. But my heart and my conscience is telling me to stay and fight for my wife’s love. I know that all trust is gone. And even with that Im still more than willing to fight for her. I deserve everything, Im not neglecting my responsibilities. I feel the pain I caused my family. I feel selfish for my behaviour. My wife gave me 22 years of love, trust and devotion. And I killed it. I want to make this right. I love her and I miss her. Am I ever going to work this out and more importantly am I ever going to gain my wife’s forgiveness. Im willing to work as hard as possible to make it all right. She is all I want.

I'm a fWS and will address some of the things that stood out to me.

I just want to get this one out of the way first. You cannot soften the blow by calling these women you were involved with, "ladies". A lady does not conduct herself that way.

Now on to your questions.


I know from personal experience that poor boundaries and a lack of respect for my marriage was the explaination for my actions. It's no different for you.

Second, I do believe it is possible to establish a relationship with your wife, but not with the belief that it isn't hard work. You've got a LOT of work ahead of ya, pal.

I also noticed that not once did you say that you have a marriage with your wife...just a relationship. Could it be that you don't recognize what you have as a marriage? Just a thought.

I do have a wonderful marriage. Well at least I thought I did. I know I have a mountain to climb and Im more than prepared to climb it. I wish my wife didn't think this is he same old routine. I see her fears and I feel her embarrassment. IF I could take it away I would. But as you know I can't. I can only do what ever it takes to correct myself and hope she see's that. And your right. They weren't ladies . Far from it.

Tony, I think the biggest problem in your marriage is that instead of facing the problem at hand, you went to psychologists/counselors and talked about your "childhood." Instead of addressing the problem, you have run off to a counselor looking for excuses in your childhood.
Thats a great diversion, but it does nothing to help your marriage. You can see how much that has helped your marriage. You would have got more benefit out of getting your car waxed.

I know why you cheated and will tell you free of charge. You have poor boundaries. You consistently place yourself in precarious situations, such as being alone with females and going out to bars without your wife.

As far as your wife goes, she should think this is the same old routine......BECAUSE IT IS. Never once are your poor boundaries and a plan to stop them ever mentioned here. Until that changes, you are untrustworthy and your wife would be foolish to give you another try unless that changes.


Lying does not protect her, it harms her. Honesty is the solution, not more lying.

Here is a letter Dr Harley wrote to a client that explains very succinctly what it will take to salvage your marriage:

Dr. Harley: Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the betrayed spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts http://marriagebuilders.com/ca/to.cgi?l=qa080103bc
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

Thank-you very much. I appreciate that. I will print a copy off and ask my wife to consider reading it. For us. Thank-you.

If you are that way, and you know you are that way, you should not be married. Perhaps you are not cut out for marriage, not all people are.

You may WANT your wife now. But you are not the TYPE that can be true to one woman or stay honest with one woman or married.

If you are not the type to be happily married and have sex with just one woman, let this wife go. Let her find a man who CAN and WANTS TO stay true to just her. There are many men who can do this.

What I do not understand is WHY you want to stay married to your wife when you CLEARLY want to be free to have relationships with other women.

You mean in the future you are willing to do this? Because you have not done this before. Rather you have done nothing to stop this from happening again and took ownership for nothing. Instead of taking ownership, you looked for excuses from a counselor. In the words of BobPure:



It is statements like this that should alarm your wife. You blame this encounter on the woman and act like it was something that happened to you against your will. You claim to have no idea why you didn't stop her. If you have no idea why and these things just "happen" to you against your will, then what is to stop them from happening again? This is one of the least impressive excuses I have ever seen in my time on this forum. Until you really take ownership and stay out of these situations she would be stupid to trust you.

Your mental health or childhood are excuses for why you cheat. You cheated because you wanted to and you made yourself more important than your wife and family. Perhaps your BW feels like this is more of the same and while you express good intentions NOW it will be the same old garbage somewhere down the road.

You say it won't be hard work. For you or for her? If you don't think trust it will be hard for her, think again. First, take ownership by admitting you liked/wanted the attention and wanted to cheat. Until you get out of denial about that you are spinning your wheels.

And because I want my life, my wife and my family I will remove myself from any of these situations. I understand the signals and danger signs. I made a mistake. In 22 years together I have messed up the last 5. How can I manage 17 years of great times and in the last 5 I make 3 regrettable mistakes. I don't want to sound selfish. I hate myself. I want to make my life right. I want to go home and learn with my wife. She did nothing but give her all and I killed it. For that I will never forgive myself. And if I thought I couldn't change or I thought it was best to walk away I would. But I want to fight for my wife's love.

Face up to who you are and what you chose to do. Until you face up to this you should be relagated to paying for sex and you should not be allowed to have any real relationships with women.

Isn't taking ownership and responsibility for my actions facing up to who I am? And what's sex got to do with it. I never sought sexual pleasure. Did you bother to read my question?

I think the first step is take ownership of your actions and stop calling them mistakes and stop talking about your childhood and the man in the moon. They were not mistakes. They were willfully thoughtless, cruel behaviors that have driven a knife in your wife's heart and taught her that you cannot be trusted.

A "mistake" is wearing ill matching socks to work, these were willful, purposeful ACTIONS that you did to hurt your wife.

If I were your wife I would end the marriage, I have to be honest with you. But maybe if you began to take TRUE ownership and abandoned the language of weasel and laid out a plan for an AFFAIR PROOF marriage, she might take a second look.

tony, can you help me understand why she should believe you THIS TIME? What is different now? Your wife is right. She can't believe you and this is the same old continual pattern. What would cause her to believe you this time? Just because you apologise and SAY SO?

I appreciate what your saying. do you have any suggestions?

I honestly believe I have learnt this time. Previously I only bandaid my recover and I never really learnt anything. Or not enough. Now I seriously believe I can see my boundaries were weak. I'll do what I need to repair them. I never really stood up previously and took ownership. I am this time. I don't think I took therapy or counselling seriously enough. Im a young man who is easily influenced. Im aware of that now and Im not going to be anymore. I have had to grow up and fast. If I didn't think I could make this work I wouldn't be on a website now searching for answers. I appreciate the time you all give strangers like me. I want to make my life right for me, and my wife. I want to also stop sounding selfish. This isn't about me solely. Its about my wife too.

Tony, that is a good start! Eliminating all references to "mistakes" and "I don't know what happened" will help enormously. I would also drop the therapy talk. That sounds to a betrayed spouse like you are looking for excuses in your childhood, when the solution is in your adulthood. The solution ain't in your childhood, that is just a diversion.

I would suggest reading the article I posted earlier and then reading this article thoroughly. If you can make the changes outlined in both, you could go back to your wife and tell her you have REALLY taken accountability this time and are committed to changing your life so this doesn't happen again. You can SHOW HER your PLAN.

But please don't tell her you need counseling. Then she will know you are not serious. She needs to see a serious PLAN OF ACTION that addresses CURRENT BEHAVIOR. She needs to know how you plan on making her SAFE.

Forgive and Forget?

Tony, would your wife come here so we can help her?

I will ask her. I'll forward this onto her mum and make the suggestion she logs on. Can't hurt. It's certainly giving me direction. Thanks.