..friends...am in deep trouble...and teh saddest part is am the one who is teh reason for all teh trouble..

i must tell u a bit of my past to make u all understand my dilemma properly.
i come from a happy family...and was raised with love, care and trust....i was a very happy child..good at studies, pretty...[ i had a steady flow of proposals right from i turned 12]so naturally i started believing that am really blessed.
so as i grew up, i was aiming high..academically and in personal life..when i turned 21 i met my future husband..and got married..
[ i was in love twice before i met my husband..but i was still a virgin when i got married..i wanted it to be that way]
the problem starts right after marriage...he is a good guy i must admit...but trying desperate to please his parents...he comes from a family where the parents cant see eye to eye in any matter...constant fights marred his childhood..he tries hard to get his parents approval and affection...but all in vain.
all the frustration he has towards his parents now reflecting on me..he doesnt liek when i spnet time with my parents or be happy with them..coz he says how can i when he is deprived of happy times with his folks.
he is a single child...so he thinks i must not be attached to my only brother...
also he is not interested in sexual life....guys i kept myself virgin ...and this is what i get..he never praises me on my good looks..he is never attracted to me in a romantic way...
i know he likes me...but all he wanted was a good friend and not a partner...he takes care of me, buy me gifts, but he never acknowledges my feminity...i got pregnant...i had to litaerally initiate the activity and lead it..to get pregnant..
its been 3 years after delivery and he has never shared bed with me after that..he makes soem or the other reason to leave our bedroom and go to his study...
the life before wedding and after is like two extreme opposites..i have always been made a role model, looked up to and adored by relatives and friends...now i have no social life..no one to acknowledge or appreciate my skills or looks.
..then one day i met this guy thru net...we dont know each others name or any other details..this guy doesnt know am married and a mother....but our relationship is just friendly with occasional flirting...but never sexual..we have vowed not to meet or to even find out details of each other..
chatting with this guy actually acts as only nice communication i have with outside world...
am cheating my husband and my new found friend ..at teh same time...but i need them both..as long as i can manage..
my chat friend and i chat about anything under the sun...he has everything i ever wanted in a partner...
am never going to meet him in person....but still i find comfort in his mails .

so guys help me out...am confused ..am i doing wrong?
am i cheating both of them...
am i putting my life in greater risk?
please help me out

You have stern marriage problems. He appears to be moving away from you. Discontinue calls to OM - it's just a romantic fallacy and detracts from getting back to your husband.

Tell him about it, but make sure that you have an understanding ear to listen.

Do you have a pastor that you can communicate with?

thank you friend for responding...to my call.
i live in india ..where traditional values are considered to be sacred than your happiness.
to be married for 8 years...and to live a life like this ...i lost the golden period of my life...i wasted it on some one who never appreciates me...i have no one, not even my family to tell my problems...they believe i live the life i had always dreamed of
i have tried to confront my husband and have discussed the problems...both sexual and emotional...he seems to have an answer ready for every point we discuss.he says he will try to be better...he says things will improve....but when..i dont see him doing any effort...but only giving me false promises..
how long can i wait more...i was 21 when i got married now am going to be 30 very soon...in the 8 years that we have been married, i can actually count the times we had physical relation in my 10 fingers..
my dilemma is i have no one to talk abt this...my family will be broken hearted..so i dare not broach the subject...my friends going to think am some sex -starved pathetic lady..
in their eyes i have got every thing a girl can dream off...i have a handsome husband, a beautiful daughter, a great home, the best cars...all the comforts...my husband heads a well managed company.

and friend...i dont call the other guy..we met thru chat room and we are still having just chats...he is from a different country ..so am not ever going to get physically attached to the guy...

the chats are my only vent...to out my frustration...when i chat with him...am back to the bubbly teen age girl..the past 8 years just seems non existent...
i have told my husband to go to medical help...both for behavioral issues and physical...he just refuses...says every thing is going to be alright.....but when ...thats the big question

Hey Con,

I'm from South Africa.

I know you guys have problems like this in India. I respect entirely your wishes to have been a virgin when you married.

I realize that you cannot go to a marriage councilor as easily as we can. Please talk to a woman communicator who understands your problems. Talking to a guy will scare up your hormones.

I live in the US and I know that culturally, we are very different. So I apologize in advance if anything I say offends you or if it is just impossible for you. Please know I have only the best intentions of kindness and empathy for your situation.

Do you think your husband is gay? If he is, does that mean you are expected to keep his secret and stand by him for life?

I have the impression that women are expected to be dutiful, obedient wives in India. How are men judged as husbands? Your husband sounds like a wonderful provider, is that how he is judged? Would "society" (friends, family) care that he is not physically available to you?

His objection to your spending time with family... is that jealousy? Does he resent your closeness with your family? Or does he resent your being away from him for any reason?

You need to cease your chats. Having a chat friend will prevent you from thinking clearly.

Confuseddreamer, glad you have found your way here. You must be looking for help if you found this site.

Marriage is more sacred in India but you are experiencing very serious problems. Culturely you are expected to stay even under these circumstances. You are trying to create an outlet for all the frustrations of your unfulfilled dreams.

You need to take one step at a time. First stop the chats with the other man and concentrate on the issues of your M. Vent on this board. You will find support here.

Maybe start with your own physician. Talk about your husband issues and your concerns. You need to start speaking about this. If your husband will not go for help then speak to your parents. Sex is a very important part of marriage and he is trying to make excuses. Do you think that HE has someone else? Is he on the computer all the time or on a cell phone, is he out alot and you do not know where he is? Observe him.

There is a book that might be worth ordering. It is by Michele Weiner-Davis called "The Sex Starved Wife, What do you do when he has lost desire". This might be a good starting point for you.

take care

am really moved by the response am getting..from friends here...
i was searching for some happy marriage tips and accidently got here..and i cant believe a real support group exists here...what am getting here is some sensible suggestions...
i have noted down some of the points asked in the variouses responses i got
1...i was asked if i suspect my husband to be a gay- no he is not gay..he is not interested in getting physical...and gives different explanations..when ever i try to get him in mood...one day he is feeling tired then teh next day he has a body pain..another day he has work to finish ...

2...then regarding a presence of another lady in his life..thats again not a possibility ..becoz he gets home right from office...never goes out with out me and our kid...except for official partys...and i have chances to double check.
he is a very good father and a husband...if we dont count the physical aspect.

3 now the reason why he is not happy when am in my parents home is that...since he is not having a good relationship with his parents , he doesnt understand why i have to be with my parents at all..he says he and our kid should be my only family..

4..every one who responded to me is of the opinion that i should stop mailing my chat friend...
but friends the only reason why i wake up daily...smiling is becoz of my curiosity to read his mails...to see how he has responded to my previuos mail etc..

i know this relation is keeping me distracted from getting closer to my husband..but its this distraction thats still keeping me sane and giving me hope to live....

We have a few guides that help us:

1. A husband and wife are each others best friend. If you talk to this guy then so should your H. If H objects then the guy is gone. Secretive contact w/o contact we call it an emotional affair (EA).

2. Wayward spouses usually lie. We have to guess at what could be wrong. We don't know you or your H. This is why we vocalize the things that a betrayed spouse (BS) does not.

3. Casual contact that meet needs that your H does not supply is already strong contacts for a future affair.

4. Most of the posters here are seriously affected by untoward behavior from their spouses. They will try anticipate problems relating to infidelity. Hey, this is the infidelity forum.

5. I am NOT the above poster. Reading here has helped me a great deal in my own marriage. Please continue to read ALL the articles on this site. They are all free!

6. A good book to purchase is His Needs/ Her Needs by Dr Harley.