Me 45, her 46, married 22 yrs., together 25 yrs. One son who is 24. Marriage has had its rough times. For the most part pretty good in my opinion. Especially the 2 years prior to late 2005. In 2005 I was going through a lot of stress at work. My son was struggling to support his new family. I was trying to quit smoking. My head was so full of problems that I began having insomnia, anxiety attacks, and if that wasn't enough, erectile dysfunction. Then out of the blue my wife's libido goes into overdrive. What I wished for since our son's birth. Now she wants sex quite often and I can't perform. She is asking what the problem is and all I could respond with was, "It's not you, it's me. My issue." Heck, I didn't understand what was going on myself, never had this problem before. I had been to doc, he said it was in my head. No physical reason I shouldn't be able. This went on for close to 4 months. Finally snapped out of it. Things back to normal for me as far as abilities in bed.

During this 4 months she gets very frustrated with me. Starts talking with 4 of her co-workers that I know of about my problem. One is her boss and he is male. When I confronted her on this she replied that she also knows his marriage problems too. (Interesting.) Makes comments to our single male neighbor friend that she would be willing to do things that we don't do if she could just "get some" cause she's not getting any. This was right in front of me. During this ED time I was able about every 3-4 weeks. We normally made love around 2-3 times a week before. Then suddenly the complaints stopped. She started feeling distant to me. No more inquiries as to when we'll make love. I get concerned that she might be cheating on me. I began to snoop. I came across evidence that strongly indicated my fears were true. My evidence was not 100% proof but maybe 90%. I confronted her. She vehemently denied having an affair. Very nasty was her tone. Told me that she did not deserve my mistrust and is offended. Said "I was acting paranoid". Told me I must trust her that she is not having an affair. As far as I know, she has always been 100% honest with me. I told her that she has earned my trust over the years and I will trust her. I told her that is the only thing that I have right now is that trust. Within a couple weeks of this conversation she then lied to me on the amount of her raise to me. (I was not pleased with the small amount she got and this company always gives small raises. She is also complaining at times that we don't have enough money.) I could see something was bothering her and asked her on three occasions what it was. She said, "nothing" all three times. A couple days later I looked at her pay stub and saw that she had lied. Said she had to because I would want her to look for another job. (I have asked her for a number of years to attempt to find a better paying job if there was one. She has passed by on possible jobs that pay up to $6 an hour more with same bennies.) This was the first time I had ever caught her straight out lying to me. What else would she lie about runs through my head. Now where is that trust? Since I had at least a 10% chance of being wrong with my evidence and I backed off subject of cheating and observed. Within a week of this she is taken to hospital for chest pains. She spends day at hospital running tests and they conclude, it's stress related. She says that I'm to blame.

We have had many discussions over the past 3 years on what I feel is missing in our M now. She very quickly started calling them "bi-ch sessions" (Refering that it's me doing all of it.) or makes reference to "beating a dead horse". Makes extremely cutting statements and then says she was just mad and didn't mean it. I have point blank said to her that she has changed. I don't like the change I see. I want my wife back. This person I don't know anymore. Does not share things like in the past. Closed and distant have been my words that I use to describe her actions. I want to know what has happened, what she feels the problem is. She states that she "does not see a problem with our M and I'm acting crazy and strange. Never seen me so insecure". This is true as I have never felt so insecure about our M. I have listened to her issues she does share and have significantly reduced or eliminated them altogether and I still see no significant change. She has become distant, angry and bitter towards life in general. She is disinterested in having sex on weekdays anymore. She doesn't seem to enjoy it as much when we do have sex once a week, maybe. We are more or less room mates during the workweek. I have informed her that I am not happy as things are. No more 2-3 times a week since this began. She says she is bored with life. Her sex drive "just isn't there anymore". She has cut off contact with her siblings and our old friends. (Parents are passed away.) This is not herself. After more than 3 years with no results I am about done with trying to figure out what is going on here. If she's just going through a phase or if there is another man. If she's cheated, then I'm done as the numerous betrayals of trust over such a period of time would be far too much for me to forgive. It might have been possible earlier in the game.

I don't want a divorce. I truly love my wife. If I didn't I would have been gone long ago but have been trying to get to a better marriage. There is no un-accounted for time. She is home every night and all weekends. No phone issues. No strange charges on bank statements. No extra or less mileage to work. I've made surprise visits to her work and saw nothing out of ordinary there, exept that for 10+ years she used to have pics of me at work and now she dosen't. The only evidence found was semen in panties. As I do the laundry, I came across what appeared to be semen stains in her panties. We had not made love for at least 10 days. Sent for testing for semen. Came back positive. Testing is presumptive, 90% accurate. Couldn't afford DNA test to verify. So doubt clouds my judgement. If all this is not enough, I strongly believe that she suffers with BPD for very good reasons.

The general attitude towards me is the thing that set me off that something is definately not right. Who knows what it is? I've asked many times and get nothing substantial to work with. Mostly shifts blame to me. There's much more to this of course, but this post is plenty long enough.

I am really interested in the women's point of view on this.

Welcome to MB. It sounds to me like she is having an affair with her boss. Semen in her panties is quite a bit of proof.

Does she work in a place where she could have sex during the day?

Suddenly increased libido?
Semen in her panties?
Lying to you?
Tries to make your concerns look like YOUR problem?

1. She's having, or had, an A, most likely with someone from her office (which I think answers your question of why she's so reluctant to leave for a better job).

2. She's gas-lighting you.

The DNA test is likely to cost less than a D. See if you can get it done. If the semen does not turn out to be yours, then you've got your answer.

Of course, what you could do expose to your W that you've done the semen tests and confirmed that something was going on, and see if she was confess up at that point, before you undergo the extra cost of having it tested.

Don't expect her to "come clean" easily though - if this has been going on since 2005, she's had lots of practice not telling the truth.

Before you do anything though, make sure your finances are protected. Your WW is NOT looking after your best interests right now, and that's likely to get worse if/when her A is exposed.

"Does she work in a place where she could have sex during the day?"

I don't think so, but I guess anything is possible to get your "fix". From some of the stories I read here it is possible.

It doesn't sound like that is too wise to trust her if she is untrustworthy. I would stop asking her and start snooping. She has terrible boundaries that should tell you she can't be trusted.

Have you been tested for STDs?

"Have you been tested for STDs?"

Yes I have. So far I'm OK. She's not been tested though.

Your W is having an affair with her boss and likely has been for some time.

Hire a PI. Voice activated recorder in her car. Gather evidence.

Do not tip your hand to your W. Once you have more evidence ( although Id say semen in panties is pretty incrimenating) expose.

Read up here, get a plan

Im sorry you are here

Like you, I used to think that there was no way my FWW could be involved in an A. I could account for all of her time.

I used to pick up my FWW from the office every day. She shared her office with the OM. During her A, my FWW and the OM would enjoy some "intimate time" in her office and on at least occasion had SF on her desk minutes before she came down to meet me. She also waited until I was traveling or working for long periods away from home to invite the OM over for some action in the living room and our bedroom. That's how she found the time.

If two people wanted to go at it, they'll find a way. On top the desk, in the broom-closet, in the toilet even, they'll find a way.

Of important note. Since the very begining of our relationship I told her that if there is no trust in a relationship then it is no relationship. Trust IS and ALWAYS will be the cornerstone to my relationships. Once destroyed it would take an act of god himself to rebuild, but not impossible. She seems to have forgotton these discissions.

GMan, trust can be rebuilt, but it would be foolish to trust an untrustworthy person. Your wife is untrustworthy.

A person who lies and cheats should not be trusted, but that does not mean the end of your marriage necessarily. People can and do earn trust back.

None of that is of any interest to a WW!

My FWW swore up and down that she would NEVER cheat on me again, that she saw the damage it did, etc., etc., etc.

She forgot to tell me about the hidden clause "...until the opportunity presents itself again" !

Active WWs are NOT interested in conversations about trust, etc.

They are interested in getting their FIX. The FIX in this case is the "good feelings" they're getting from their relationship with the OP.

Thanks for your insights so far. MIM - I've followed some of your threads for some time now. Your sitch seems similar to mine. I've been lurking here for almost 3 years now. I have tried a lot of the concepts here to no avail. I'm getting weary of this dance. I am losing my love for her daily. Soon it will be gone if I can't get through to her. I have been point blank to her concerning our marriage.

Her: Do you want a divorce?

Me: If things are going to continue as they have been, yes I do.

Things don't change on her part. I've been trying to follow the concepts here on MB and I'm sure it's not perfect by any means. But I try anyway. How much clearer do I need to be? Let me make this clear. I do not want a divorce. I want my loving, caring wife back. She is stiil here on rare occaisions which feed my hope that not all is lost. But those moments are getting farther apart. She counters me with, "well I want my husband back too!" I've given her my H&O feelings and she turns it back on me every time. It makes me want to yell and scream in total frustation. I am beginning to seriously withdraw, feel depressed and she notices and then says I'm not acting very attractive to her. No duh! I don't feel very attractive either thanks to her support though this. She won't fill out questionares and 8 sessions of MC was a waste of time.

Have you confronted your wife on the semen test? Also do they provide a blood type with the test?

Also have you tried Levitra or Viagra??

What do you know about her co-workers? Where and when does she go for lunch and with who? Maybe a visit around that time might reveal who he is? She most likely would go to lunch with him.

Something is going on if all of a suddent she has lost interest!!

You mentioned BPD. I don't know what the particulars are that have led you to suspect this.But, I presume you've read up on it and know the criteria.
BPD's are extremely adept at exactly what your wife is doing, deflecting issues and turning things back on you. They are well praticed in this art as they have lived their entire lives this way.
You will go crazy with frustration trying to address issues with a BPD. They are super manipulative. It's like trying to talk to a moving target.
In addition to the deflecting, they are very abusive. The things that jumped out at me as super abusive are the facts that she discussed your ED with others and made the offer to the neighbor in front of you. She is trying to emasculate you, which is very common with female BPDs. I am surprised you can function sexually at all with her under this pressure and abuse.
You have been married to her a long time and if she is BPD, you may have become used to this abuse. It wears one down to the point where you do not recognize yourself.
I would see a lawyer. BPD is intractable , for the most part. If she has it, I would seriously doubt this is her first affair.
I went through this as well. My wife said so many mean things about me, I shut down sexually and had ED. One cannot feel intimate and vulnerable as is neccessary for good sex with someone like this. My wife said someof the meanest, most emasculating things about me you could imagine. I feel for you. It is terrible living with someone like this.

Well Zelmo you seem to know my sitch very well. Yes the abuse she inflicts is extreme at times throughout our 25 years together. I have always been very strong in my self esteem, very strong. I used to think it was almost bullit proof. Until recently. She has said very hurtful and emasculating things from time to time. I takes it's toll over time and I didn't notice until she wore through. Hers has always been very low. I have done the very best I could to build her self esteem where I could. Even though, every time I threaten to leave out of total frustration with our marriage she threatens suicide and has on several occaisions tried. She was institutionalized for 5 days the last time. This was early in our relationship. I told her then my boundries on this issue. Any more talk or actions like this again and I'm gone. No more discussion, gone. I can't and won't go through this again. So fast forward, recently we are having R talk and it's not going well. (Inquiring her fidelity.) She pics up her cig lighter and heats it up and proceeds to burn her arm with hot metal on lighter. All the while looking me in the eyes and telling me that I make her do this! My god I can't believe this is real. After things cooled down (No pun intended.) I asked her why she crossed my boundries mentioned above. She replies, "I didn't try to kill myself!" WTF is going on in this womans head? I told her that I view this as the same thing. She counters that she doesn't. So I set an amendment to my boundry to include hurting yourself with the same consequence as suicide threats. Told her that it hurts me deeply to see her do these things. My hurt just doesn't show like her burn does, but it hurts even more, takes longer to heal.

But hear me, life with her has been mostly good. I don't want to leave. I just can't go back to the early years isuues that I thought were long past. Until now.

Thanks everyone for your help and concern. I know we all have crosses to bear here and you find it in you to help others. I am humbled...

I'll offer a different take. Has your wife had a hysterectomy? Has she begun to go through "the change"? Are you sure it was semen in her panties?

Sometimes women begin to lose the estrogen/testoterone in their bodies as they age and this can effect the libido/hormones/moods, etc. There are medications to help with this.

If she's had a hysterectomy, the symptoms could be worse.

But the thing is, if this is the case, she should be open and address these concerns with you, especially when you went through your own problems before.

If none of this applies, then I would also cast my vote that she's having an affair.

Yes she has had a partial (Still has ovaries) hysterectomy about 10 years ago.

Sent questioanable panties to DNA lab for testing. Came back positive but with the caveat presumptive with a 5-10% chance of false positive. Didn't have the $ for DNA test at time. The chance to do so has passed.

In our talks she says that she thinks "I want a 20 something with hormonnes raging" on numerous occaisions. I have tried my best to assure her that I do not want a 20 something thats out there somewhere. I want the wife I had and she sleeps next to me every night. But she dosen't seem to want me anymore...

Well there you go. Start snooping big time. Follow the advice that has already been given to you.

As I am sure you are aware, the self harming thing is one of the criteria. The abuse and infidelity are also.
Like your situation, there were times in our marriage when things were really fun and we had a good sex life. Things started to change shortly after we married, but it was gradual. The occassional silent treatments became more frequent. The triggers were everywhere and I was in a minefield, never know what inocuous behavior would set her off.
Like you, I had decent self esteem at the start and it took some time to wear me down. But, it was relentless and I evenntually went into my shell, detaching as a way of surviving.
For me, the discovery of her affairs was a blessing, although still painful. The infidelity was a bright line, something tangible that made me realize what I had been putting up with.
I know you want to reconcile and I am all for that in some situations. But, reconciliation with a BPD, as with active addicts and alcoholics(if there is a distinction) just does not work unless they get help.
And, the catch 22 is that BPD's almost never want to get therapy. As I understand it, therapy is very threatening top them as they realize that they will be forced to look within and their entire lives they have perfected defense mechanisms to avoid this very thing.
I would start with therapy for yourself. It helped me a lot to get someone elses take on what i was dealing with. My values and views had been gradually eroded under the constant criticism and punishing. I had started believing the things she would say about me, despite all the evidence to the contrary. It's a terrible disorder wreaking all kinds of damage on those close to a BPD.
Now that I have minimal contact, the fog is lifting and I can see how sick she is. But, you may have to bail from her. No sense going down with the ship.
Read:Stop Walking on Eggshells" if you have not. There is a good support site for folks involved with BPDs, www.bpdfamily.com. You may have already been to the site and you will see you are not alone and others have been through similar expieriences.

Former WW here.

Your wife's behavior indicates that she is indeed having an affair with someone at work. The willingness to sacrifice her standard of living (tolerating small wage increases), the extreme mood swings, making topics that should be kept private between the two of you public knowledge, popping off at you for even THINKING that she's having *gasp* an affair.

Confirmed semen in her panties with an error rate of less than 10%. Why question it? I don't think you do.....rather, I think it's shock and disbelief that she did it.

You're in the right place here. Follow the advice of the BS's and you'll do just fine. I'm sorry you've found yourself here, but you're in good hands.