H came up yesterday he said he wanted to talk i let him in he sat down and never said a word so i asked what he would like to talk about he said he cant not have me in his life he enjoys spending time with me etc to which i replied i have told you already if you choose the OW then i can no longer be part of your life i want NC with you he asked if he could pick the children up from school which i said was no problem and that when he has had time to think about what he really wants if he would like to sort things out with me i will allow for us to meet up to talk about everything then but in the meantime i am remaining no contact as i cant be part of his life all the time he wants to be with OW.
i then had to get some stuff done came back downstairs and he was sat on the stairs in tears.
He looks ill and im sure his depressed it does make me worry about him i have told him that he needs to talk to someone about everything but he says that wont help its a waste of time so i left it.
H then tried to ring me last night which i didnt take then he text me saying he loves me so much and dont want to lose me.
But when here he always says his not in love with me anymore and loves OW.
This all makes me so confused im staying strong and not letting him see this is affecting me in anyway and that im trying to move on. He is having the children tonight and i know i cant show any emotion when he comes for them and to remain strong even if i break down once the children have gone.

I wanted to know his sadness and looking ill and depressed is this perfectly normal.

I have also asked him if he is sure he is doing the right thing to which he replies i dont know, i cant think straight right now
I asked if he cares more about OW than he does me to which he replies no i care more for you than you will ever know.

He is internally conflicted. Waywards are in a state of conflict. They want both people but when put in a position to choose ... they can't make up their mind.

Have you done any Plan A stuff? Have you exposed the affair? Have you tried to meet his Emotional Needs?

Have you read the basic concepts on this web site? Read them...

Basic Concepts

Get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley.


Here's another thread that may be helpful.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

I have exposed the A to everyone i can. ive read about plan A but im still an emotional wreck cant control the tears whenever im near him. Im fine for so long then all off a sudden the tears start coming again

should i be spending as much time with WS or should i be going no contact im struggling with what to do for the best ive read plan A and B and feel like im at a dead end right now the last thing i want is for my marriage to end like this

Plan A is the starting point, so that is where you need to be. It includes exposing the affair, as well as showing him what a great wife you could be.

ok some information i read said to have no contact with my WS until he can see what he is doing. Is this the right thing to do or should i see him as much as is possible and he is willing and show him how much i care i am so confused right now im starting to feel a lot stronger now im still emotional but feel i have more control over myself just unsure if i should be no contact or as much contact as is possible to show him how good a wife i can be. any advice is appreciated

Have you read all about Plan A? That is the starting point. Later, you go to Plan B, where you have no contact with him. You need to spend about 2 months in Plan A before you go to Plan B.

What you are describing is Plan B. It is not to be done UNLESS you are in such a fragile state that you would literally be hospitalized to have to continue having contact with him. I don't see that in you.

Plan A is no picnic, but neither is being a BS. It's hard work. So you have to ask yourself do you want your marriage or do you want an easier - alone - life? If you want your marriage, read up, learn about Plan A, and start showing him what he is giving up. Meet the needs that YOU gave, but also try to meet the needs the OW was meeting for him. What are they?

The only thing he has said when i asked why he has done this is that he felt like i didnt spend any time with him and we would never sit together. Thats the only thing he has said about anything

well were off out tonight got babysitter for the kids so we can go out and relax and im going to try my best to make it as fun as possible WS was a bit wary about going out tonight but i managed to talk him into it by saying id like for us to enjoy some time together without the kids and he agreed will keep you all posted

we had a fab night out played pool had a few giggles sang a few songs got taxi home about 11pm WS stayed the night we had a nice long chat when we got in about kids and holidays etc i told him id prob take the kids away in May for my 30th birthday we deserve a nice break he first responded about how i would pay for this and how would i manage alone to which i responded i would manage very well on my own and smiled nicely at him and that its my concern on how i find the money to pay for it, he said if he could help with cost he would and then asked if i would mind if he came with us, i thought that was a bit strange but said im not sure and would think about it didnt really know what to say.
Then one thing led to another i know i shouldnt of done it but i let it carry on ( we used protection) it was like my old husband was back for the night he said how much he missed me how beautiful i was and he loves me and sorry for all the pain he is causing. I just responded by saying you know how much i love you then he held me for a few hours. eventually i fell asleep and we woke this morning he gave me a kiss then got in the shower. He asked me if id like to go swimming with him and the children which i said i would love to and we had a great time. He thanks me for a fab weekend tonight when the kids were in bed i replied it has been good ive enjoyed it. He then left after kissing and hugging me.

He rang me later on to say goodnight and i noticed he was all distant again ( i guess he had spoken to OW )
i asked was there anything wrong he replied he was just tired and was going to sleep early so i said ok then sleep well.

He is coming round tomorrow for dinner with me and the children

Not sure if im doing all the right things im still new at trying to put plan A into practice any advice would be greatly appreciated. WS goes back to sea friday for 1 week where OW is working also they are only away for 1 more week tho which isnt too bad and gives me a week to think more on working on plan A

If anyone out there can help with advice please do im trying so hard to do the right things here i already feel bit better in myself and not cried for 3 days now which is good for me

It sounds like you are doing everything right. Keep it up!!!!!!!

thanks believer ill keep on going as i am then
the posts here are really helping me too everyone has so much useful information i read and read and read

Well WS came up today and we all went to karate which he and my daugther both do, I sat and watched with our son WS then came back here and we had dinner together he put kids to bed. He then sat down and said to me that he cant no longer spending so much time here as he felt it was wrong, I nearly shouted but remembered all i have learnt here.
I took a deep breath and said in a very quiet calm voice It is right for you to be here what you are doing is wrong.
I also said that him continuing this affair is deeply hurting me and is destroying our family,
H replied what do you want me to do, to which i replied you know i would like you to stop the affair but i know you are not ready for that yet but id like to let you know that my door is wide open when you realise what you have done,
I would like to help you if you would let me.
He didnt know what to say to this and the tears came down his face,
I also said about how much pain he is causing Me and the Kids he replied by saying the kids arent suffering so i then pointed out very calmly that they are both deeply hurt that he is not living here right now and how the youngest son wakes up in middle of the night to ask where daddy is. And that right now i am lying to them cos they do not know the real reason he is not here i pointed out how they would feel if they knew daddy was having an A. everything hit him i think as he tears was rolling down his face but i remained calm talking to him very quietly once i felt tears fill up in my eyes so i stepped into the other room took deep breaths wiped my eyes and came back to continue talking.
I also asked him if he thought he had a good relationship with OW his reply was i dont know why i said well it is based on lies and deceit, he said but ive been totally honest with her my response was so she knows you have slept with me on saturday night then. His face dropped and said well no she doesnt know that. Silence then fell as he said i best get back now i need time to think. So i stood up and said ok thanks for a good night ill see you tomorrow after you have picked the kids up from school. he then hugged me kissed me told me he loved me and left saying he would call me later.
I then waved him off with a big smile came in and i felt so good like i had full control.
Im not sure if i handled the situation in the right way but i know i felt good afterwards and sat down with a glass of wine to relax overall a good day for me

feeling a bit low today H said he not stopping when he drops the kids off feel like his trying to distant himself from me now. He sounded so distant on the phone dont know even why he rang me

Of course there will be low feeling days. But you did excellent in talking with your husband, a perfect job. You are a fast learner. This is the kind of behavior that will lure him back from the adulteress. Hang in there, be good to yourself, and keep it up.

WS picked kids up from school today and stayed for dinner with me which was nice we talked some more, the forces families peeps had rang me today offering relate for us both if he was willing to go said i had to let them know tomorrow so spoke to him about it he said he would go if i wanted too, I replied with i would love us to but you need to want it too and its not going to work if your not prepared to give us the time so told him to think about it and to let me know in the morning as i had to let npfs know tomorrow.
He is coming round tomorrow too so we can go out for the afternoon without the children he actually asked me. He has said he needs to sort his head out which i replied i understand it must be a mess right now he held my hand and said it is but thanks for being there.
Feel like weve made a few baby steps today but it helps cos OW hasnt been on the scene for a few days just worried when he rejoins the ship on friday that all this will go down the pan again,
But im trying to think positive and keep concentrating on myself and the kids.
Im back working again now which helps take my mind of things for a small while.

You are doing just fine. Now you have to play the waiting game. Expect him to turn back into a stranger when he sees the OW again.

Think back of anything he complained about BEFORE the affair and work on changing that. Always have the home warm and welcoming. You have quite a long history and kids together, and you are containing your emotions and being smart. I have a lot of hope for your marriage.

Stay in Plan A for now - and until about April. Then, if he doesn't wake up, it will be time for Plan B.

thanks believer its reassuring to know im doing the right things its hard to know what is right and wrong to do right now.
But i do feel like i have plenty more self control thanks to this site and everyones guidance.
posting here helps me a lot to get things out cos my family dont understand why i would want him back after all this they tell me to move on but its not as easy as that when i love him so much i believe in marriage and to fight to save it if i can and if not ill end up a better person at the end of it and know i gave it my all to save what we had x

You are doing much better than the typical BS, in fact, much better than I did. You seem to have a knack for it.

I got too angry and couldn't control myself. But you are doing just fine. Hang in there, and don't give up.