We just can't seem to communicate effectively. I think it's sad to share a child with someone and not be able to interact. Lately it's worse. We have been apart for almost 2 years and have an almost 14 year old son. Ever since my ex hooked up with his new girlfriend in November, he doesn't even TRY to be civil - calls me insulting names during conversations, does things with our son he knows I don't approve of - is just generally mean spirited and disrespectful. I admit I haven't been an angel in my interactions with him, but I was trying to be respectful of his position as a co-parent until he stopped behaving like one worthy of respect. Why now that he has this woman in his life is he "acting out?" He hides things about our son from me, lies to me about the situations he puts him in, threatens to "drag" me into court to our son if I try to butt in, etc. As an example, he knows our son is uncomfortable with the girlfriend spending the night when he is visiting his father and he knows I don't approve (I also understand that he couldn't care less what I think), but he says he wants to show our son what a "healthy, happy, loving relationship looks like" and seems to INSIST that she stay every time my son is with him. How can I call a truce, or is it even worth it?

I would really appreciate the advice of anyone who has overcome this barrier. As background, I left the marriage because of his porn addiction, lack of respect for (and verbal abusiveness toward) me. I know he loves our son dearly, but his judgement seems clouded and it feels like he is trying to spite me by using our son in some sick way. Am I completely off base with this thought?

You may or may not be off base - it's been known to happen. In either case, you have to keep in mind that there is little to nothing you can do about your ex's behavior. You are no longer his spouse, so you can't tell him he can or can't have someone overnight, or specify who. Some here have managed to get something into their custody agreement regarding overnights with opposite sex people but I don't think anybody has gone back and done that after the divorce is final. The court won't do anything unless the person or situation is threatening in some way to your your son - which is hard to prove even if it is. So basically, it doesn't matter if you approve or not.

What you can do is be there for your son. Help him to be able to communicate better with his father - but DON'T project your opinions onto him. Help him to form his own opinions and be supportive even if you disagree. At 14, he's entering a difficult stage in life and could just as easily rebel against you as his father.

In conjuction with supporting your son, you need to return communications with your ex to civility or cut them off and use a mediator. While you can control what he does with his life, you can insist that he treats you with respect. That doesn't mean yelling or name-calling back - that means shutting down the discussion at the first sign of hostility and, if nessessary, using a mediator for a while until you can both calm down.

Again, you don't get to voice your approval or disapproval over what your ex does. I know you worry about your son, but you have to approach this a different way. I had a similar situation with my son when he visited his grandmother who intentionally did things I disapproved of. What I did was teach my son that there are different rules at every house and the boss of the house gets to set the rules. So at my house I was the boss, at grandma's house she was the boss and at anyone else's house, he would have to determine who the boss was and take the rules from them. It actually worked phenomenally, though it meant that I had to suffer watching him eat junk food or playing with toy guns (which I loathe), but I never had to listen to "grandma lets me do this" or any other complaint about my rules. Just a suggestion.

This might be an opportunity to teach your son about boundary enforcement. At 14, he probably has a certain amount of discretion regarding how much time he spends with his dad. If he's truly that uncomfortable with the girlfriend staying over, I would check with your lawyer and your state's family law to see just how much power he has to tell his dad, "I don't want to stay with you this weekend.".

Now please make sure that both you and your son understand... Standing up for himself like this can have implications into the future. The XH might blame you for brainwashing your son (you aren't - you're merely letting him know that he has a choice). And the GF will come to resent your son for not wanting to be around her. This could be problematic later on if she becomes his step-mom.

Good advice. I also was going to suggest asking your son if he wants to do something about it in court. I also would add, however, that you can see if there is such a thing as a mediator, someone who can sit down with your son and his father and help them discuss the situation. It would be a great empowerment lesson for your son to learn to negotiate for what he wants.