As of tonight, after 25 years of marriage and 10 years after an extended affair plus the fog that never lifted, husband has decided to run off with his Internet porn and a bottle of Jergens. He can't bear to be around me any longer, what with his intense feelings of guilt and all. He says he just feels so much better when I'm not around.

So, my whole life has been uprooted and I've been deposited in a small community where I own a vacation home but have no friends. Our sons don't know yet, but this summer is not going to be a good one for them.

Tried really hard to meet his needs, but he stopped letting me do that a few years ago. Tried to get him to go to counseling. Tried getting his dad to talk to him.

He just wants to work and masturbate to porn. I guess being married to a real woman is just too difficult.

I don't really ever want to hear from him again. I have so much to live for, two sons to love and raise. Somehow, I have to help them get through this. And I have to teach them how not to be like their father.

hey Ms Princess.....First let me say that I am so sorry that you find yourself here. This is such a hard journey that we face, but I garentee that you will come out the other side a much stronger person.

I have a few questions for you to begin with. First, do you have any chiuldren together? If so, how old are they? Is your H still involved with his 10 year affair? Why did you put up with it for so long? Are you wanting to try and make your M work or are you here seeking support for your divorce?

THere are many wondedrful people here willing to hold your hand when you need it. Please give us a few more details so that we can help you better.

(((HUGS)))

We have two sons, 16 and 11. Our older son is at boarding school, living away from us.

My husband was only involved in the affair for four years, but I would have to say he's been in a fog for the last six. I have no doubt that he will make efforts to reunite with this woman. He'll go on the assumption that she's a sure thing. He believes she was his soul mate, but he also thought I was.

I didn't put up with anything. I have spent many years trying to discover what his needs were and trying to meet them. He's systematically cut himself off from me with every effort. I stayed with him on behalf of our children. I really wanted our marriage to work, and not just work, but to be a real joy for us. And he really doesn't. He seems to prefer porn.

I really don't want to be married to him any longer. I am hurting for my sons, who are slowly going to figure out what a jerk their father is. I want to raise them to be men of character. I never expected to be a single mom. I'm really cycling through a lot of emotions these days. We haven't told the boys anything yet. At the moment, I'm with my older son and there are moments when I'm struggling to keep from falling apart.

I do have a therapist, and a good friend who has my back. But I can't be on the phone with them all the time. I know that keeping my eyes on my future, making my life into what I want it to be for my boys and myself makes me feel strong and centered. I'm taking action to make it all happen. But I wish I knew when the emotional roller coaster was going to end.

Thanks for the support.

Jungle,

It sounds like you have been on a very hard emotional ride. IMHO, it doesnt matter if our H are involved with a real woman or a fantasy woman, the devistation is the same. It doesnt sound like your H has been willing to do any of the work to try and fix the M. There is only so much one partner can do.....then the M inevitably falls apart. It sounds like your H made the decision a long time ago to follow the "dream" relationship instead of what was truly real. This is not your fault. Please dont think it is. It sounds like you have given and given only to left at the end anyway. There is obviously something very broken about your H. I am so glad to hear you have supportive friends and are in IC. This is so important when it comes to getting through all of this. I tell you, the first few months were total h#ll for me. I couldnt eat, I couldnt sleep. People would tell me that I would get through this, that I would come of this ok, no even better. I refused to believe that life would go on wthout my H. But you know what, it did. It has almost been a year since he droped the bomb and I am actually doing really really good. Please believe me when I say there is a light at the end of this tunnel. We did not choose to be on this path, but we are here neverless. It is now time for you to change your focus and take care of you. Hire a L and get your finacials taken care of. Establish custody of the children for their sake. You need to live your life as if he was never coming home. This will save you so much grief in the long run. If he does come home, well great, it is an added bonus, but you will not have wasted your time pining over him while he is off doing his shenanagins. Focus on you, go NC for your own sanity and remeber this.....it starts about them, but it ends with us! You can do this. Keep coming here and posting...especially when you need to vent. (((JUNGLE)))

IDEY58, it's like you've watched my life unfold in a movie! You truly have been there too.

I just received the book Spiritual Divorce today. I read a couple of pages into the first chapter and got to a list of stages for a spiritual divorce. I decided to stop at Stage 1 for the moment, to let it all sink in. It's acceptance. And acceptance feels like a wad, stuck in my throat. I want to gag on it right now. I feel nauseas from it. But I know I've got to get my head and heart wrapped around the idea in order to move forward.

Today, in yet another moment of sobbing that welled up unexpectedly, I came to the conclusion that I needed to learn how to comfort myself. Because all the other people in my life, they have lives too. While they're all amazing and supportive in their own way, there are times when I just can't go to them. And I'm going to have to do it for myself.

I'm moving forward in so many other aspects of my life. I do have a lot to live for and look forward to. I'm in college again, and have two years left to graduate. I'm on the road to personal wellness, having converted my living room to a gym (lost 45 lbs. in the past year). I'm living in California again, and while some might not think being here in these economic times is a good thing, I am thrilled to be back in the U.S. and totally happy to be an American. I'm renovating my home, because I can afford to and can help somebody's business along somehow.

I'm free to be me, entirely! I have regained all my personal freedoms! I have two really wonderful sons and I am going to be very strong for them. I am going to lead my family with lots of love and I will raise them to be quality men.

How's that for some affirmations?

I know that I will continue to have moments when I doubt myself, when I will want to fall apart and wish I had a partner to lean on and back me up. In reality, I never really did. I guess I've been there for me all along.

Thanks for the validation, and for putting a time limit on the suffering. I've already gone through the not-sleeping part. I'm not giving up on quality sleep any longer. I've put myself on the road to good sleep hygiene. Not eating, oh, that's NEVER been my resultant stress behavior...unfortunately. I am eating healthfully, and don't feel like eating just to stuff the feelings. So that's a good thing. What I am overindulging myself with is watching TV. When I feel like I'm frozen with fear and dread, checking out with some TV is great. I've been watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Feeling some as*-kicking strength as a result of it. The slayer is good medicine!

JP

First, I have to say I can tell you are defiantely a woman of quality.....Buffy the Vampire Slayer, well, I own the entire series and Firefly to boot (love Josh Weadon). Even have the CD to the musical episode. My son knows all of the words as well.

Ok, enough geek talk. Jungle, you truly are doing great. I have to question the book you are reading.....advocating acceptance in the begining..well I just dont think it is possible. This stuff is hard and it envolves a process that we have to go through. It is the same process as over coming grief. I know I first wen through denial (oh he will realize what he left and want to come home. I will make it easy for him to just step right back into our family life) then depression (why doesnt he love me any more? What does SHE have that I dont have? how could he do this to us??) to anger (if I had a baseball bat I would beat the living [censored] out of him. He is a worthless human being who does not deserve any kind of happiness) to fianlly acceptance (well, ok, he is a smuck and I am truly better off on my own. For the first time in my life I know who I am and am doing things that make ME happy). Dont force it, it will come. It truly is a process. I still fluxuate between anger and acceptance. At least it is SOOOOOO much better than being in the denial or depressed stage of things. When feelings bubble up inside of me, I focus on them and honor them. They are there to teach me something. I have found that by not ignoring them, they actually pass much quicker.

You sound like you are trying to find some healthy outlets to this mad rollercoaster ride. You will fall and you will have moments where you feel like life is just way too hard. Again, it is part of the journey. It is meant to help you get stronger and wiser to your own needs. There are so many books that I read to help me through this. First was "his needs her needs" but unfortunately OEO was already deeply involved with his girlfriend and I just did not know it. So, while I was trying to fill him up, he was feeling pressured by me. I read DIvorce Busting, again has some great advice but I dont agre with what she says about what to do if a spouce is in an A. I think some of her advice can actually cause more grief because people are left waiting. Surviving the Affair was really really good. I do recommend it. I learned about how to have boundaried for myself and why it was healthy. I have posted to a couple of different sights and have learned so much. I think in your situation that you need to just let him go to figure out what he wants. It doesnt matter if your H is shooting heroine, gambling all of your money away or using porn...an addiction is an addiction. The best thing for you and your children is to seperate yourself from him until he decides to overcome his addiction. I got a couple of post from others that I want to share with you...hopefully it will help. Just trust yourself, focus on you right now and stay in therapy. Im glad you are here and hopefully you can find the best path for the happiest you.

I posted this awhile ago but thought it might help you in your situation. Hope it does:

With everything that has been going on in my life I have seen how important it is to have boundaries. THere needs to be guidelines in my life for me to feel safe and having space to heal. At first my STBXH did not respect them, but after a couple of conversations he is now abiding by my rules. I can even remember thinking "Oh my god, if I do this, if I cut him out of my life things are over." Well, he sailed that ship. He made it clear where his priorities are and is not with his family, but with OW. I had to let go and focus on me because my life is no longer about him. It is about doing what is best for me. I realized not too long ago that life is short and I am the driver of my destiny. Do I sit back and let his bad treatment of me navigate my course or do I say no thank you and take over for myself and find happiness.....I chose the no thank you option. I know I will be getting a D. I am ok with getting a D. Who would want to be married to a man like my H right right now? Only someone as broken as him and it aint me!

I want to post something I have learned about establishing boundaries. I really has been the best thing for me. It gave me some control over what I would allow and what I would not allow. I read a book called "The Secret Laws of Attraction." Here is what the author said about boundaries:


Boundaries are not about controlling others. People will do what they want. Boundaries are about protecting yourself from others. When you inform people, you are simply teaching them how to treat you.....If you dont have sufficient boundaries, you'll get burned and will eventually put up walls to protect yourself. These walls are what keep people out. Boundaries enable us to really open up and be intimate because we feel safe. The bigger your boundaries, the safer and more relaxed you'll feel and the easier it will be to connect with other people.



Setting boundaries is a stretch but well worth the effort becaue of the rich reward: people will respect you. We respect people who have boundaries and we dont respect those who dont. Indeed, we are often tempted to abuse those without boundaries. Perhaps it is part of the survival of the fittest concept - animals casting out the weak and sick so the stronger members can thrive. Like animals, we too can sense boundaries immediately. This is good news. Often, the moment you instill a new boundary, such as "People cant critisize me" you'll either be tested right away or no one will critisize you. People instinctively sense your new boundaries and dont go there. Its a powerful new aura you are projecting.

Strong boundaries enable us to become less needy. We are naturally attracted to the people we like and respect - the people who have a sence of dignity and self respect. When you have boundaries, it is easier to attract the right man or woman in your life. And, without them it is impossible to maintain a healthy realtionship.

Okay, first of all, lets take care of the geek speak...I loved Firefly! Joss Whedon is brilliant! I'm looking forward to watching Dollhouse. I hope it's as good as I want it to be.

Watching Buffy (and Angel) has actually led me to buying a punching bag on one of those stands that you fill with sand. I've got it in my living room/gym and I just ordered a DVD to learn how to do a workout on it. I want to be strong like that, Xena-like. I may be 48, but I will not be a passive-aggressive any longer. I want to be strong, assertive and very sure of myself. And I can visualize myself wearing lacquer red high-heeled peep-toe pumps, with the heel spike at my ex's throat.

I've read all the books you listed, plus more. Every Man's Battle, The Emotionally Distant Man, The Passionate Marriage (I really loved that one, actually went to their women's seminar and we went to their couple's intensive therapy weekend in January), Emotional Intelligence...I have quite a library! They all helped me grow and learn...and somehow, that became the problem. I outgrew him in so many ways, and it was increasingly uncomfortable for him to feel like a man around me, he said. He told me that I made him feel emasculated. I just don't get that one. When he's mistreating me, and I stand up for myself, somehow I'm emasculating him. When I'm supposed to be his best friend and supporter, and I'm trying to be his partner in life, but he pushes me away and goes to view porn in the middle of the night, and I catch him at it and feel hurt and get angry, I'm emasculating him.

Spiritual Divorce, I misquoted it...it's not the first stage, but the first law of of spiritual divorce...The Law of Acceptance:


For me, that tells me that stepping out of my relationship with my husband puts me where I need to be for the next phase of my life. And to be honest, for the last 25 years, I felt that I, personally, was on a holding pattern until I gathered the right skill set to move in the direction I needed to go. And I know where I'm going now. Staying married with the circumstances as they were would have been a pure waste of my life. My sons need me with my head moving toward the new phase of my life.

I'm choosing not to contact my ex at all, except regarding the boys. I'm settling in to the idea of being single. I find today that my thoughts surrounding my ex are more about how I'm going to defend my singleness. He's coming back to the U.S. with my younger son in April, for a week. I was fretting about what to do should he suddenly want me back again. I know this is one of those fleeting fantasies that plays out repeatedly in my mind. But in my mind, I'm not going back with him, and I'm not taking him back. And I'm making that choice for myself and for the boys. And that's a good boundary to maintain.

JP

Oh, this one really hit a nerve with me. You see, my ex loves to play the victum. After all I was incredibly abusive towards him. When I asked him how, he told me that every time I told him what emotional need he wasnt meeting it made him feel really bad inside. I was abusing him because I made him feel guilty for not being a loving, supportive partner. Shame on me for asking him to hold my hand on occation or to drive me home from a mediacal proceedure at the hospital, or to just sit next to me on the couch when we watch a movie together. Yes, looking back I can see how awful I was...<snort>. Maybe if I let him stay in his mancave playing video games 24/7 while I continued to take care of the house, the money, his dying grandmother, our son, my cancer, all the while never expecting a lending hand, then just maybe I would still have that prize of a marriage. Instead, he now has someone that has no personality, no responsibilities, and no freakin brain. She worships him and does everything he wants, including paying for his sorry @ss. No, I got the better end of the deal. I did not chose to get this life education, but I did and my growth has been a gift to me.

Jungle, you have done so much work on yourself. I totally understand what you mean when you say you passed him in growth. THere is only so much you can take of not getting your needs met before you say enough is enough. It sounds like you are trulying moving on and getting a life. You seem to have detached in a healthy way from his abusive behavior. So, what is it you want now? Do you think you are ready to D or are you still just playing with the idea of it? Just from my expirence, dont do it until you are ready. How will you know....well, when you can finally look at it as nothing more that a financial division. It is not personal and there are no loonger an emotional connections involved, then you are ready.

How long has your H been out of the country and how long will he be back for?

Our family has lived overseas for the last 11 years, for his work. About three years ago we bought a vacation home in Northern California. Thank God! Because now I have a home already in place, and a car that's paid for. The only drawback to this place is that it is in a very small town, there's not a lot of services close by, and since I've only been spending the summers here, until very recently. I really don't know anybody. And my kids don't know anybody here either. We have to build a life from the ground up.

At the moment, my older son (16) is at boarding school, which is actually a good place for him to be. It's a good school, and he's only four hours away from me. I can go see him whenever I want. My younger son (11) is still living with his father, overseas. At the moment, we're keeping it this way so he won't have his life disrupted right away. Our home has been inside a company compound, and his school, which is a very good school, is only a two minute walk away. He's got his friends, his bike, and other people to look out for him should The Ex have to go on a business trip.

I am not moving forward with anything regarding divorce until my younger son is with me on a permanent basis. I did all the work trying to keep us together. If The Ex wants to break up the family, he's going to have to do all that work. He wants a collaborative divorce. Fine, whatever. His guilt makes him throw money at me to make him feel better. He said he was going to sign over the house to me completely and include money to cover the house payments in the settlement.

According to the law, the filing party has to have lived in the state for six months and the county for three. I don't need to move forward with filing anything until things are in place as I want them. If he's going to get ugly about something and wants to push for the divorce, then he has to give up his job and move back to the U.S. and live here for the alloted time in order to make things happen. In that event, then I'll get my own lawyer.

In the meantime, I'm getting my own divorce financial planner and I'm getting completely out of debt and saving money to live on for six months. I don't have a job and haven't worked since we moved overseas, so I'm going to have to create my own career on my own terms.

You're making me laugh! We had a man cave too! Yeah, and I was the one who dealt with the death of his mother, due to cancer, and got the whole family to go to grief counseling. And I have been the respectable face of our family in our expatriate community. When others look at those men that have dumped their wives for their little green-card-seeking souvenir ho, no one looks at them with respect, and those women are never welcomed into the community. The only men who "respect" the guys with the souvenirs are other Neanderthals who don't respect women and have already emotionally abandoned their families.

I'm not blameless. I know and accept that I contributed some heavy things to the sorry state of our marriage. But I set out to wright the wrongs, and I did my best to remain in a state of respectfulness for him, ready to move past our past and forgive him for his mistakes. Up until the last couple of weeks, I was ready to leave the past behind, forgive him, forgive myself, take him back and move forward together, in the right direction. I'm not in that track any longer. I know that, even if, on the very slimmest chance, he changed his mind again, that I am done being married to him. We have to end it. We have to walk away from the old marriage, from the past, and I have to move forward from here, with integrity. And knowing that gives me peace.

JP