My name is Tony. Im 36 years old and id have to be one of the biggest idiots out. I have been married to my wife for nearly 14 years. We are the proud parents of 3 beautiful children. My wife and I have been together as a couple for 20 years. For the past 4-5 years I have done nothing but self destruct and ruin a beautiful marriage by stupid behaviour. Firstly a few years ago I had an emotional affair with a girl I worked with. Why or what lead to this Im not sure. Things seemed fine at home. There was never anything sexual with this girl. So as sex was never involved I refused for a long time to believe that it was actually an affair. But I have learnt that affairs can take place in all shapes and manners. And I believe emotional ones are deadly. I no longer work or have contact with this person. After this surfaced I moved away from home and my wife and I worked on our marriage with he help of marriage counsellors and also a psychologist. When I did eventually come home my wife set out some ground rules which I tried to follow. But sadly I resented them as I was still under the belief I hadn’t had a serious affair. Yes this was a mistake on my behalf. My wife was very insecure for a long time and wasn’t totally helped by me pushing her and hoping she could recover quickly and we could move on.

Early in 2008 my wife meet a lady in my sons U9’s soccer team. I was the coach. Immediately alarm bells rang in her head. She had a gut feeling about this person and warned me against her. As I didn’t think there was a problem I refused to or I guess ignored my wife’s initial instinct and I carried on. This caused a divide in our relationship. It stopped my wife from watching our son play as this person in the team caused her serious insecurities. One night we had a coach/manages meeting and I lied to my wife about my whereabouts and was subsequently caught out. My wife was gutted and all the work we had done to rebuild our marriage was bushed further back. I stayed away from home for a few nights and to my wife’s credit she allowed me to come home on the condition that I change teams in 2009. I will admit it was hard in letting go of the team as I thought my wife could try for our son’s sake. This is where I learnt how selfish I actually was. But thankfully I came to my senses and I moved to a new team in 2009. It is only U10 soccer after all. When I think of it now I can’t believe I was fighting with my wife over U10 soccer. She didn’t deserve this heartache.

My latest and very last incident ever took place early this year. I went out to a friends going away party. While sitting with a close mate a group of girls asked us to join them. They were at the same party. While drinking and talking I was seen acting in a stupid way with one of the girls. Im not 100% clear on what I did. But please don’t think Im blaming alcohol. I know that at the end of the day I have to be accountable for my actions. I can remember talking to this person about my wife, my children, I showed her a photo of my family. I showed her my wife’s name which I wear proudly tattooed on my arm. I honestly thought I displayed or at least made it clear I was married and happy. Yet I somehow managed to let me guard down and I acted wrong. My wife was told by her close friend that we were sitting too close. She said that this person ran her hand up my back while I stood at the bar waiting service. She said I touched or groped her breast. And that this person had kissed me. I honestly can’t remember the night all that well and I haven’t denied any of this to my wife. Im not proud of what I did. Im not proud that I can’t remember. And as I said I won’t blame drinking. I take ownership for this. Im ashamed of myself.

When this all came to light my wife was just devastated and she asked me to leave immediately. Which I did. As this was on a Sunday I just drove around lost. On the Monday morning I went to see my therapist. I was an emotional mess. She made and immediate booking for me and my very first words to her were ‘why do I keep hurting my wife’ We spoke for 2 hours that day about these incidents and ways I could deal with them in my head. I made a promise to myself that I would work as hard as I could to rediscover the real me. The man who made his beautiful wife happy all the years earlier. While seeing my therapist she has diagnosed me as suffering an attachment disorder. And on top of that depression. I saw my local GP and it was his diagnosis for the depression. He is under the belief I have suffered it for quiet a few years. The attachment disorder is something my therapist touched on a few years earlier. But as I wasn’t really interested in sorting that out then, I was more focused on dealing with my marriage problems. Had I realised that this may have been an underlying issue I would have worked on it. But again no, I was being selfish and I just wanted a bandaid solution. My therapist puts a lot of my behaviour down to my upbringing. My wife is aware and has been aware of these problems for a few years. She has begged me to do something about it. Im not sure if it’s a man thing but I kept avoiding it  At first I thought YES I have an answer. But today as I sit here I personally believe that it can contribute, but it can’t solely be the reason or even an excuse. Im not trying to use this disorder or depression as an excuse. But I feel it’s a small explanation.

Today I take full responsibility for everything I have ever done to hurt my wife. I do love her and I certainly don’t want this to be the end of our relationship together. I feel as a man I am weak and have issues in controlling my boundaries. I was never aware of this previously. In my time away from my family I have been to therapy and Im at a point where she has basically said Tony you don’t need to come back as your answering your own questions and she’d not picking up on any emotions that need dealing with. So that’s positive. I haven’t taken medication for my depression as yet. Im dealing with that the best I can and hope to avoid medication completely. I have read 4 books. The best being ‘Manhood’ I realised after finishing it I have issues with saying no and Im easily mislead. The book also helped me discover how to connect with my dad. I only meet my dad when I was 18 and contact between us isn’t that great. I have never really had a solid man influence in my life ever. When I tried to talk to my mum a few weeks back she laughed at me. That very second there and then I accepted my mum is who she is and I just have to lose the resentment feeling I have towards her and move on. I am ok with that now. I am learning each day to be stronger and to avoid influences. I do keep myself aware of boundaries and Im always watching myself and my mannerism to ensure I understand myself. Im reading, talking, writing and doing all I can to learn about relationships, trust, forgiveness. Im leaving no stone unturned in being a better me. And more importantly Im happy to do this as Im becoming a better man and Im hopefully losing the selfishness that I carry around.

I have had to grow up and I have had to do so really fast. I miss my wife and id love nothing more than to rebuild what it was we had before. Im aware that trust is going to be next to impossible to regain. But in saying that I still want nothing more than to try. I realise now that Im selfish. I realise I have issues in my head that I have had to deal with them. I accept that I should have listened to my wife and not fight her feelings or thoughts. I have learnt that ownership for past problems is a massive step to take. And I Tony take ownership of my problems, and my past. Im not perfect. I tried to be even when I knew there were problems. I built a massive facade around me and I went through life with blinkers on. My wife said to me recently that all she ever wanted was Love, Devotion and Trust. Why didn’t I see that? Or why did I lose sight of that. It’s all any of us want. I can’t sit here now and make promises to my wife as I have done previously. I know she see’s me in repair mood now and thinks it’s the same old pattern. I can’t change that. Writing to her is all I have some days. I don’t have a big support network around me and I fear if I don’t contact her she’ll forget me .I sincerely think that Im way more understanding of not only her emotions, but also mine. Im not lost or confused. I just want to stop feeling selfish and to ask is forgiveness, trust or even another chance to much to achieve.

To my beautiful wife, Kim, I hope that one day you can read this and you can see past the same old Tony things and maybe see that I am trying to understand why I do what I do. I won’t make promises to you as I have broken the before. But I will say I will never ever put myself in a position where my boundaries are threatened. I will never rest or become complacent. You are aware of my history and you still have always given me and our family your 100% + love and attention. For that I thank you and I hope you will allow me this one more chance to prove I have finally learnt.

Tony.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Glad you have found us.

It sounds like you need some boundaries, because the same thing keeps happening over and over.

Is your wife posting here?

No sadly she's not. This is all of my own doing and Im seeking help and direction from as many people as possible. In time i hope i can get her to read these postings.

It seems to me that the issues in your marriage are much simpler than attachment disorder, lingering resentments or depression. It seems to me that you are unable to discern the difference between right and wrong. I almost get the feeling that you reside in a world of gray where there is no black or white. It is a world where you can rationalize your ill-made choices.

You seem to live your life as a taker and stroke your desires no matter the cost to anyone else so long as you are satisfying your ego. That is what your letter says.

Even in your post it seems that you search for redemption or acknowledgement that you are acting in a noble fashion. With each successive mistake of cruelty that you deliver to your family you ask and pray for their forgiveness. You have a long history of abuse that you have documented. Why should anyone believe you now? What makes this time different from last time?

Your long letter of regret and apology is the very smallest of a “start”. Let’s see how long you can hang out here, in these pages, where the truth wears no disguise. Let’s see if you can become the man your letter claims you really are.

One last thing, taking ownership for your poor choices is much easier to say than it is to do. You know, you have given your wife more than ample justification to end her relationship with you. No one here would blame her if she dropped you flat.

Yet we are a group that saves marriages, not destroy them. I guess I’m just wondering why you might think it beneficial to your wife and children to keep you in the picture.

What do you want from the experts here? How do you think we can help you?

Mr. G

Im not after sympathy and Im certainly not seeking redemption for what I did. I feel Im easily mislead even thought I try to be a leader. I have not excuses for my behaviour. It was atrocious. There is nothing I can say to justify what I have done to my wife. Im trying to answer my own questions. Why have I turned this way? Why have I taken a beautiful marriage and relationship and not take any regard for the consequences. I love my wife and I don't ever see her not being there. Am I just selfish? Can I recover? This afternoon Im seeing a new therapist. I have unresolved questions in my head and I need help answering them. I thought I had answered them. But deep down Im still stalled. Well that's how Im feeling now. So Im not going to sit and wait for answers. Time waits for no one. I want to lose the selfish me me me part. Im an excellent father, I want to be an excellent husband. Im hoping you guys can be open, honest and I can find a direction, a word, a phrase that will give me a lift. This isn't all about me. Its about my wife and what I did. I obviously sought something from someone else. I need to know why. I don't want anything else other than my wife. Up until recently I always wanted to be excepted by others. Now, today. I just want to be excepted by my wife and family.

Tony, it sounds like you have a lot of self pity in this post.

And who has misled you and why did you allow it? If you feel you are so easily misled, do you think you should be allowed to be FREE?

Tony, recover from what exactly? And what are you stalled about?

Im not trying to make this sound like self pity or anything. Im just trying to seek answers that will help me. I am upset with myself yes. I wish I could turn back time. But I can't so Im trying to be positive and Im seeking answers, truth and advice. As for being mislead. Maybe that's the wrong term. Im not sure of how to explain it. But it lead me to drop my guard and let people into my world. When I most certainly shouldn't have. Ever

Of course you are selfish, we are all selfish. What is important is how you manifest that selfishness in your daily life. You have heard the term, “It is better to give than to receive.” That is true because in healthy relationships the act of giving produces euphoria in the person who is doing the giving. You “give” your wife a gift (it could be something as simple as a kiss) and you “take” her smile and gratitude. It makes you feel good and in a good way.

Read the concept of “Giver/Taker” in the front end of this web site.

We refer to love as the actions that we take for another person that are loving in nature. It is this give and take of the actions that we call love that actually produce love including respect, and admiration and above all, calm. Your letter in your initial post is a letter of love and great humility. To give it meaning, to make it real, it must be backed by the actions that you take as a lover of your wife and a father to your children. Love is the things we do for one another, NOT how we feel.

Read all about the “Love Bank”.

When you do things that satisfy your selfish desires at your wife’s “expense” then you end up where you are now, broken, on the verge of divorce and disgrace. When you figure out how to satisfy your selfish desires at your wife’s “benefit”, well then, you really got something.

Remember, it is ACTS of love, not FEELINGS of love that count in the end. Learning about these things shows that you care but even more important, it is an act of love and gift that you will benefit from and guess what? Your wife and family will benefit too. Get it?

I hope you consider some of what I’ve proposed.

Mr. G

tony, I believe you HAVE self pity and that comes through loud and clear with your title "I am an idiot." However, pity is very unwarranted here and prevents you from taking responsibility for your actions.

Recover from my mistakes. I want to make my wrongs right. Not just for me, but for my wife. There's no chance in the world she would take me back if there was uncertainty in my life. I want to erase uncertainty. I want to understand me and my behaviour. I want to beat depression and id like to deal with my disorder. As for being stalled. I thought I understood myself last week. This week after reading, and talking to my wife. Im not ready to leave therapy. So with that Im seeing a new person who doesn't know me or my past. Fresh start so to speak.

But it's not pity I'm trying to express. But I understand what your saying. Thanks.

I have printed off The Giver & Taker and The Love Bank. I will read this afternoon. Thank you very much.

Let me help you understand your 'behavior." You cheated. You cheated because you have poor boundaries and placed yourself in vulnerable situations. Do you understand it now?

Your marriage is crumbling and you are running off to some therapist to YAK about yourself. That is not helping your marriage and only signals your W that you are looking for excuses in your childhood. She is right to not give you a chance as long as you continue wasting your time with this nonsense.

You have caused your W terrible harm and your response is to go to a therapist and yak about YOURSELF.

When you will be doing anything to save your marriage?

But you ARE expressing pity. You might be trying to hide that, but it is obvious.

Tony,
In some ways you remind me of how my H used to be. For many years my H carried a chip on his shoulder. He needed attention from women - it was all about stroking his ego. It wasn't until he EA and him almost losing everthing that was the world to him, did he really start to understand that he needed to make changes. He needed to grow up and realize what had value in life. You are at the same point. You need to get rid of that chip on your shoulder. It took about four months of MC and the resources at this site to help us out. I wanted to divorce my H and only agreed to MC because I felt I owed that much to my kids. I didn't think MC would work but it did and our M is the best it has ever been (now two years later). I hope your W post here - it will help her. I found out about this site later than I would have liked. I could have used the support at the time.

GG

But my wife is urging me to seek help. Id love nothing more than to try and work through this with my wife by my side. But I have absolutely no chance of her even considering us unless I seek and except the help that she has asked me to get for a long time now. Im not proud that I will be sitting down talking to a stranger about my past and about my behaviour. But Im finding talking and listening is helping me learn and understand myself. I know everyone has it tough at some point in there life. I virtually raised myself. Im 36. I didn't finish school. I left and joined the workforce at 15. I was a qualified tradesman at 19. My wife and I built our first home at 21. We have had to grow up fast and with each others support. Somewhere along the way my wheels have fallen off. And I want them back on. I want to live with my wife till the day I die. Im not trying to make this sound pitiful or selfish. If I didn't want her or us id not be doing this to myself right now. Im asking for help and for direction.

Pity is a bad thing hey.... I don't want pity.... This is confusing me....

Thank-you Ggirl615. That was really encouraging. I believe your very right. I have a chip on my shoulders. And I need to grow up. I just hope and prey it's not too late.

Tony,
What are you looking for here?

GG