My wife has committed to our marriage. All the evidence points in this direction. But she has lied to me, and continues to lie. We are in different states. But she already bought a plane ticket to reunite.

The problem is she's still seeing the other person. She told me she's not. And one time when I became suspicious she started crying and said if I'm susspicious she might not be able to return. Then she made me promise not to ever talk about it again.

I had no proof, so I left it at that. All the while thinking they were still meeting. She will return in 4 weeks. Should I let her continue the affair and start fresh when she comes back or should I put a hard foot down now? It get's me so mad I'm considering divorce. I forgave when I found out. But for her to lie and continue to cheat really aggravates me. I need complete honesty.

How did you find out?

How do you know it's still going on?

Why are you separated and for how long?

Why do you have to wait four weeks for WW to come home?

a.k.a. she's bullying you into trying to accept the unacceptable. These are the expected actions of a cheating spouse, a WW in your case.



I'm confused - how do you know that she is still seeing the OM then?



"Letting" your spouse continue an A is a bad idea. Allowing your spouse to do so because she bullied you is an even worse idea, because now you will lose her respect.

How you try to END the A though may determine whether or not your M continues. For example, bullying, ultimatums, etc. will likely not work. Plan A (including exposure), and Plan B if necessary may produce better results.

Do you know who the OM is? Is he M'd? Have you exposed the A to anyone?



Handing out forgiveness cheaply is another great way to ensure your spouse loses respect for you. She needs to earn it, and it sure doesn't sound like she's doing so at the moment.

Through a text message: Sorry for not meeting you outside. There's only a few more days left before my husband leaves. Just wait until then and send text notes. Love you.

I'm in West Coast. She's in East Coast. She has a 7 month project there that ends in 4 weeks. We got together for the holidays out east. First week was very nice. We were very happy. But then started noticing my 6th sense. Thougt only women had this. So I became suspicious even though I'm not ordinarily that way. That's when I found the text note.

She's been going on the trips with friends. But when we talk she's always calling from quiet places like hallways and bathrooms. So I was suspicious. Didn't always say love you at the end of the conversation either, like she was afraid someone might overhear. I asked for group pictures with her friends. She said none. Not even your friends? No one out of 10 ppl took pics?

Work has separated us since she has a project there. It's going on 7 months now. Will return in 4 weeks. She can't leave yet because of work. And I can't leave because I just took a coule weeks from work. Although I'm tempted to just fly out there even if it means losing my job and our kid getting delayed in school.

Letting my spouse continue breaks my heart. And I know they're still seeing each other because it was his birthday recently. And that day she said she had a birthday to attend. I'm not 100% but the probablity is very high. Can't think of anyone else's birthday she would go to.

Yes, I forgave when I found out. There was never any other thought, for the sake of the kids. But her having told me it was strictly emotional and that it would have been better had I not discovered because she had chosen the family before I came over for the holidays means little since I keep suspecting they meet. She said she would not meet or call him until after she came back to the west coast.

The only thing that's keeping me going is the fact that she will return. And the other guy will stay way over there. Physically, they cannot meet. It's just these 4 weeks that I can do nothing. I can't go over there. I can't sleep with her to make sure she doesn't stray. I have to just sit tight. But her broken lies adds pressure to the wound and I don't know if I can forgive again. I'm thinking about calling her and telling her I want out. She needs to earn my trust and forgiveness, and so far hasn't evens started. If she's like this after the discovery. Will our marriage be solid going forward? If not, I'd rather divorce now while the kids are still young.

But it's very hard allowing her to spend time with the other guy for the next 4 weeks. Should I involve the parents? That will prevent her from meeting the other guys, but will blow matters up. And if we don't get divorced, they will always know and keep it against her maybe.

Exposure is one of the best tools that can be used to break up an A, and if used in a respectful and caring manner, it should assist in the recovery of your M. The conflict resulting from exposure can in fact bring the A to an end very quickly.

If I was you, I would tell her parents about the A: your suspicions and the evidence that you have.

Did you tell your WW you forgave her when you found out? I always thought this is somewhat weird for a BS to say such a thing because it sounds more desperate than anything else and lets the WS know they don't have to lift a finger to get forgiveness from the betrayed.


I could not live with my H boinking OW for a few more weeks before having the nerve to show his face at my door after he had his fun. No thanks.

no did not tell her. Just said I choose family. Should I tell my parents too?

If you think your parents can be of help to you, whatever that is - pressure to end the A or support for you - then go ahead and expose. Just don't threaten or warn WW of exposure.

Tell everybody in the business that needs to know. Ask compassionate leave from your own company and see what they offer.

Please read the sit articles and do them RIGHT away.

I would never be able to look myself in the mirror again if I knowingly allowed my wife to sleep with another man. Have some dignity.

Listen to what she is saying. "It would have been better if you hadn't found out because she had already chosen the family?" She apparently feels justified trampling all over your marriage vows as long as you don't find out. She is one entitled, selfish POS.

I like imagine's idea of asking for some sort of emergency vacation from your company and then just go out there. Don't warn her, just show up and move in. Tell her that you are there to work on your marriage and you will not, under any circumstances, share her with another man, emotionally or physically. If you don't respect yourself, your wife sure as hell won't.

Jaruuk,

Hate to tell you this, but if she is still in contact with the Om, then SHE HASN'T COMMITTED TO YOUR MARRIAGE! She is just fence-sitting and cake-eating by lying to you.

Tell her kindly but firmly that absolute and perpetual NC is REQUIRED FIRST. If she refuses or hedges, then tell her you love her and want to make your marriage the best it can be but will not allow her in your life if the OM is still in hers...Go to Plan B.

So my wife has been back a week now and nothing has changed. Turns out her plan for the return was still communicating with the other guy in New York and actually leaving for a month every 6 months leaving the kids behind! It's so she can have her freedom to hang out with her NY friends. Yeah right, it's her freedom to boink the other guy. What nerve. She says I'm no longer in her heart but I can try to win it back little by little. In the meantime, she's going to keep communicating with the one who is. That's her plan which somehow she got me to agree to for a day before realizing that Dr Harley says reconciliation is nearly impossible with continued contact.

So I told her to cut off all contact but without being angry or demanding, always using Dr Harley's name in to explain why. She said maybe I can go live with him instead and stormed off saying it was over. Then a few hours later she regained her composure and said fine, I'll live with you another 8-10 years until the kids are old enough but you be their dad I'll be their mom, and that's that. That's the most ridiculous thing I've heard.

But she still didn't cut contact. So then I informed her parents. And they contacted the other guy not to make contact. He agreed. But he too lied because he called her the very next day. So then things escalated and her parents called her. That was the last thing she wanted them to know. She is so mad at me she said that's the last straw, now we're really getting divorced. She threatened to move out and a lot of things. Both myself and her parents have no idea what to do next. We think she's just pissed because her affair will finally end. But I shudder to think what will happen next. Any advice?

And I can't go to Plan B because we've been separated for 7 months which is what caused the whole mess. If we separate now, we get divorced. Especially since she can just go to NY and be with that other guy. The only ace I have is the kids stay with me. That's the only thing preventing her from leaving right away even though she threatens it.

At first she said she was taking the kids during all our discussions if anything were to happen. I said you're the one who cheated, you don't get the kids. So this time when her parents found out, she said we'll each take one. I said no way. She says I am nowhere in her heart now for telling her parents and never will be again. I hope it's just her fog talking.

Jaruuk,

I'm sorry WW has put you and kiddies in this horrible mess.

All I can offer you right now, (it's late and I'm trying to go to bed ) is to tell you to read 'Addiction' by Gabby222. It's a thread on this 'Just Found Out' forum.

It has the carrot and the stick info. Actually all the advice will be helpful to you.
Read it and read it again. Then do it.

More advice will come, just keep posting.

Good night and take care.

I should confirm for you .... YES, all her talk is fog talk. Get used to it, it has a tendency to hang around, and it is just as irritating as real fog.

She has now given me an ultimatum. Either we get divorced with me keeping the kids (she's given up fighting for custody) or we stay together for 8 years until the kids are older, at which time we'll get a divorce anyway. But, and this is a big butt, she can do whatever she pleases. She will see other men and I can see other women. She will do whatever she wants with no regard for me. I have no say in her life, her activities, etc. This makes me no sense to me! What kind of a marriage is that? If that's her idea of trying to limit damage to the kids, I think maybe it's better I just get divorced now.

Don't agree to anything that you would not accept in a good M.

Your WW is NOT in a position to declare ultimatums.

If she wants to get a divorce because you won't agree to her "demands", let her go ahead and file for one.

How old are your kids again? Do the kids know about the A?

While your WW stumbles around in the throes of your addiction, continue practicing Plan A as much as you can, but don't let yourself be a doormat, forcing yourself to accept behaviour that you would otherwise find unacceptable.

You have been given a gift yet you probably don’t realize it. First, get her to put that in writing (email, TM, or formal Legal Seperation Agreement) and agree to her terms. Take her ultimatum now! Once she realizes what she has done she could change her mind and your life will never be the same.

Get to an Attorney NOW!!!! I can’t stress this enough. Man, I live where you were I would drive you to the Attorney’s office right now.

Hopefully, she will agree to this and move out quickly. This will allow you to divorce this women with minimal damage. And believe me, I understand the state you are in. I was you a few years ago.

My xw took my 4 kids out of state, divorced me after having an affair with a guy who was 10 years younger and my son’s Travel Baseball coach.

The facts are that she is a walk-away-wife and the chances are good that she will keep walking. You can always Plan A her after the agreements are in place.