I found out on Dec 23 that my wife was in a 3 1/2 month emotional affair with an x that she was planning on taking to the next level. He broke it off and she still wanted to continue the affair but was not able to. She confessed to me but her confession was full of lies. I dug into everthing and found out the truth. It was worse that I thought. In a 3 1/2 month period she spoke to him an average of two hours a day, sometimes up to eight hours a day, she also text messaged him over four thousand times during this period. She confessed to me today that basically she is with me becasue she was unable to continue the affair. What do I do next? We are in counseling but this revalation may be more than I can handle. Help!

Breathe.

How long have you been M'd?

Any children involved?

Was she involved with that X when you started your relationship with her?

We have been married 17 years and have seven beautiful children. she was not involved with the x when we began datiing.

My wife and the x recently re-established contact (4-08)

Read the articles here on the site. Expose where necessary.

Find and meet WW EN's. Don't be shocked when they don't work initially. It gets better when they are out of withdrawal.

Keep reading. You will be busy quite a while.

First thing is. Close all joint accounts. Open one for you and one for her. Then give her a budget. Cancel all credit cards. If you can't trust her with your heart, you can't trust her with your money. Since the EX shut it down. And she would have gone further. You may want to have her go to her parents. She is in the fog still. Hopefully NC and MC will bring her out of it.

she is a stay at home mom it sounds like. I can not imagine what second choice feels like. After she said that, you may decide to take a hard line with her. As well as cutting off all finances to her out side of a budget. I would move her into another room. If she wants to be the wife of another, make her a maid. Or let her move out. All of what I have been saying is based upon you being a loving and supportive husband. If you haven't been then you need to try and fix it. If you have been then you need to withdraw affection and support. It is to soon to try to woo her back. She needs to separated from you. She needs to miss your love and support. You have probably been giving it to her all along. Well now see how she feels when that is gone. You need to bring her to crisis. You don't know what you've got till its gone.

Ouch,

You are aware that the "advice" you're dishing out is absolutely contradictory to the Marriage Builders program, yes? A program that has helped thousands of couples recover from infidelity? Created by a psychologist who for more than 35 years has been advising couples caught in the trauma of infidelity?

In order to try to understand why you would do that, I dug around your earlier posts. Interesting that you have NEVER DEALT WITH INFIDELITY YOURSELF. Your "strong marriage" does NOT trump Dr. Harley's years and experience in helping couples recover from such a nightmare.

Your own words:

"Married 29 years no infidelity. I post because we have become empty nesters, and the two most dangerous times in a marriage is 7 to 10 years in and then Empty nest time. I was thinking we were growing apart and so looked into infidelity sites to read the stories as a proactive way of avoiding what I have been reading. My mom was a WW and divorced my dad when I was 5. So I can identify with the children of the posters here. We really have a strong marriage and love each other dearly. But forewarned is forearmed. I also think that there may be a place on these boards for the opinion of someone with a strong marriage. I was mentored by a man who was married for over 60 years. My belief is:

We all have an investment in each others marriages."


I hope you never experience what this program has been designed to deal with. But, please, if you're going to post on the boards created and financed by Dr. Harley, do not peddle your advice as a better plan for dealing with something you have never experienced in your own marriage. If this man were to follow it, and lose, would you offer it to others?

totally undone,

Read Imagine's post, and follow it. The Marriage Builders plan is your best shot. Thousands of happy customers.

If it doesn't work for you, try Ouch's approach. By then, you'd have nothing to lose.

Is there some way for me to check with you in the future to see if my opinion is acceptable to you? I thought the disclaimer at the top was sufficient to alert everyone that these are individuals "opinions". You asked "if this man were to follow it (my advice) and lose, would you offer it to others?" No less or more then if it worked for him. Why do you think my opinion carries any more or less weight then anyone else.

Your comment actually appears to hold me in contempt because I haven't suffered through infidelity. Wow. Is there a forum on this board that is allowed to only post about good marriages? Who is the judge of that one?

Generally when some one disagrees with me they post an opinion stating where I am wrong. I can live with that. And the moderators of this board are welcome to either contact me or ban me from posting here. It is their site after all. But until that happens, I will continue to give my opinion and encourage others to do the same (including you). Thank you.

I didn't sense contempt in the post, but, speaking as a BS who's trying to recover his M, I can tell you for sure that, for most persons, the approach to M building undergoes a paradigm shift if their M is affected by an A.

I'd even go so far as saying that, for many who haven't experienced infidelity in their M, understanding that paradigm shift is a bit like a blind man trying to understand the colour blue.

Even then, there are a few here who haven't experienced infidelity that truly "get it". "Just Learning" is one poster that comes to mind.

maybe it was the caps that gave me that feeling.

As I understand it, Dr Harley has not expierienced infidelity in his marriage, either. So, apparently, that is not a prerequisite for a valid opinion.
Your opinion is in line with that of many other expierienced people and the approach you suggest has proven effective in many cases, as well. It's not all tha different than what Harley suggests, as it seems the main thrust of Harley's approach is to avoid the besseching, imploring etc. I do not think closing the accounts and implementing consequences is inconsistent with the plans. Nor did you suggest raging etc.
Not sleeping together is wise in the sense that one absolutely needs to protect one's health.

I actually have not read any of Dr. Harley's work. I just think accountability and setting up an environment where the cheating spouse has to look at themselves is the most effective route. It is extremely difficult to see through the fog. But they are the ones who have to see through it. You can't do it for them. They have to recognize and own their part. What they are going to lose has to eclipse the high from the affair. Anything, examples, word pictures, denial of affection, denial of financial support, pressure from loved ones and friends, exposing the OM/OWs affair to their spouse, showing your spouse that they are only a piece of "A" to the OM/OW and that they don't really love them, even isolation (with an accountable influence in their life like a friend or counselor) is on the table. Also I believe any intelligence gathering equipment, PI, is required until enough evidence is gathered. Everything but anger, begging, pleading, negotiating. Almost like a wayward child. I have always felt that allowing consequence in a persons life is the greatest teacher.

That's a bit like what Harley's "Plan B" is like in fact. However, I believe Harley suggests that Plan B (if it comes to that) is more effective if you first perform a Plan A, where basically eliminate all of the "love-busting" that caused the problems in the M and present yourself in the best possible light to the WS.

If the WS is of the opinion that you're an uncaring and controlling S, then denying affection and acting in the general manner you've described above will not entice them back into the M. It will force them further away, and they will only return if they believe that they have no other choice. That's why it's essential to do the "Plan A" part first, so they see the BEST side of you before you start cutting ties to them.

You still there t_u?

Is OM married and where does he live in relation to you?

I agree MIM, You had better own what yours before you try to change someone else. I think a lot of men are just so f-ing stupid. In a lot of instances, it is so easy to make your wife happy. Why would a man not want a happy wife? Arguing and fighting takes a hell of a lot more energy then taking out the trash or changing the baby. But women are just as guilty. They can put their friendships before their marriage easier I believe, then men. They call it getting advice, which a lot of the time is just license to [censored] about their husbands. Their natural instinct is to protect the friend, when in truth if they were true friends they would protect the marriage.

He lives 1500 miles away and is married for the second time with three kids.

She has been cut off. No computer or credit cards. I have total control of the bank account.

I sent her to her parents for two weeks so she could get the proper perspective and see the real damage she has caused. She understands that if I am not satisfied with her progress when she returns we are done.

Being far away is a good thing. Are any of his children with W#2? If you have caught this in time before it went to a PA, you are lucky but there is still a lot of damage to deal with.

You need to expose to OMW. WW and OM are liars so dont believe squat from them that it's over. If POSOM is on W#2, he probably doesn't want to face D again and is just a cake eater looking for some cheap thrills. OMW could be your biggest ally in all this so don't get scared that WW will get pissed. Expose. What do WW's parents think she's there for? I'd expose to them as well.

Did your WW take the kids? I'd have them come back to the marital home with or without WW. Before they come back get a keylogger, GPS or anything else you might use to gain intel. Your WW doesn't need time to reflect on ways to spin the truth. Plan A and expose.

You might get more feedback if you ask the mods to move your thread to the GQII section. Hang tight. If you caught the A early enough you may have a great chance of recovery. I have to run. Good luck.

Outstanding. I think far to many BS let their feelings completely guide their decision making. When the best thing, can be to divorce yourself from your feelings and just do what you know is right.