Wife and I are taking a class at church. We both did the EN questionaire and my top 5 were:
1. Sexual Fulfillment 2. Admiration 3. Physical Attractiveness 4. Affection 5. Recreational Companionship

Her top 5 were:
1. Openness and Honesty 2. Family Commitment 3. Admiration 4. affection 5. Financial Support

We stopped the discussion at my #3.

My wife is beautiful and I love her very much. Before reading HNHN I had not recognized PA as an important need of mine. After she lost some weight last year from 118LBS down to 103LBS I saw that it made me really happy and even more attracted to her. She still had plans to do weight training/pilates/Walking/Aerobic activity, etc to become more toned and add some muscle. Seeing as how losing a few pounds made me happy, I thought getting in even better shape would make me even happier and at the same time make her feel better about herself.

So in rating how much my wife is meeting my need for a PA Spouse, the choices were -3 -2 -1 0 +1 +2 +3. I rated her as a +1 based on the following ways she could meet that need better.
1. Doing the weight training/toning up would easily meet the need to a +2 level.
2. a combination of some of the following little things would get her to a +3 level:
- Avoiding wearing a particular pair of shoes I really don't care for and buying some more that we both like.
- Avoiding wearing 3 shirts/sweaters that I don't like and think are unflattering and either buying new clothes we both like or wearing one of the 10-15 outfits I really love for her to wear.
- Wearing her hair in one of the 5 styles I like and avoiding the 2 styles I don't like.

So reading this, she said her feelings are hurt and she didn't expect this "+1" rating especially since I have been telling her recently how good she looks to me. And she does look great!

Her summary is that I think "Her face is OK, but I don't like her body, her clothes, her hair or her shoes..."

I feel so bad that I hurt her feelings and I don't know how to make it better. It's like she thinks I am not happy with her appearance, when that is far from the truth. The reality of seeing how this affected her and how she is avoiding me and doesn't even want me to look at her body has made me reconsider my top 5. If I had to choose between PA and Affection, I would choose Affection for sure, So I need to move PA to #4 and Affection to my #3.

I almost think my #5 (recreational Companionship) could be moved to #4 and PA down to #5 - My thinking is that if she spends time with me doing the bike riding and working out that I like to do and she says she wants to do more of, then "by accident" I will have both needs met as she becomes fitter.

So last night I stopped and got her a bottle of her favorite wine and a single rose, made the bed and left them both there for her. She thanked me for them and we hugged and kissed and I said I was sorry for hurting her feelings and that I loved her very much. She said something like "well it's the truth about how you feel..." I said something like Well, I think it may have come across as harsh and critical and I didn't mean for it to.

This morning, not much interaction, but she was wearing a really nice outfit and her hair was my favorite style. I told her she looked nice and kissed her goodbye. A few minutes later I told her I really like the way she did her hair and she was appreciative of the compliment.

I guess I was hoping this class and the workbook would be an opportunity to learn some things about each other and find ways we could make each other happier. We didn't even discuss her needs yet, but I know there were some negative satisfaction levels from her about me meeting her needs. I am not hurt by that - I want to know so I can do better.

So looking for advice on where to go from here. I am missing the Affection and of course my #1 - duh!

H - 37 -(me)
W - 37 (beautiful)
M 18 Years
DD - 19
DD - 15
DS - 8

Well, I can't say that I blame her for being hurt. To get down from 118 to 103 and have your H just barely put you in positive territory is definitely enough to crush a lady's spirit for sure. OUCH!! This, from someone who lost 30# to get to 125, which my hubby liked (actually he thought I was too thin at 125). So yeah, I think you messed up a little.

Does she have to get your approval on all the clothes she buys? My H has tried to buy me clothes and quite often, the stuff he picks out is something I don't care for. He really stinks at picking out colors!

That said, I commend your sincere effort to make it up to her -- that all sounds quite sweet. And it is in marked contrast to a certain other poster in a similar thread who is getting a few 2x4s.

Wow, methinks you'd better don your fire retardant pants for the responses you'll get on this one.

How tall is your wife? 118 lbs is small--103 is tiny generally.

If I were your wife, I'd be feeling very hurt and uncomfortable right now too. She sounds like someone who takes very good care of her body and appearance. This rating system of -3, -2, etc. is very subjective and that's a bit of a problem. See, from what you post about your wife, I--and I think most people--would probably have rated her as a 2+ at the very least, unless she doesn't bathe, or something weird like that. The things you talk about as deficiencies are very minor (the hair styles), but you whacked her down a whole point on things like that. Really a communications issue more than anything. It's not that you are unjustified in wanting those things, like different clothing or shoes or hairstyles, but that you judged her--on this particular value system--quite harshly and I imagine she is reacting to that.

She probably feels like there is such an incredibly high standard of appearance that she has to meet to make you happy, that it is an untenable situation. I mean, three kids--she's 103 pounds and works out--she's doing better than 90% of us normal people who don't have to keep up our appearance for a living, like a model or actress. She's probably thinking--what if she gains 10 pounds? What if she loses a leg in an accident? Would you leave her or fall in love with someone else? Gonna take more than a single rose to bring you out of the dog house on this one, my friend. Long heart-felt talk recommended.

We are men. We are designed to say things which our wives and women in general will find upsetting.

Women find their appearance and weight especially, one of their most crucially 'sore' subjects (in general).

I just shove a candybar in my mouth when my wife asks me how she looks. No matter what I say, I am afraid I will say it wrong. And lord help me if I like ONE pair of shoes over another. And remember this one "YOU make those jeans look FABULOUS!!!"...

Remember, put the emphasis on the WOMAN, NOT the apparal.

heh

Good call, Cant. You're a smart man.

I notice that SF isn't even ON her list, and it is your number 1. Hopefully she won't rate you +1 in THAT department.

Women are so self-critical, that I think a man needs to rate his wife HIGH, in fact, PERFECT. Then you could say the only thing that would make it better is.........................

Cantfigure it out has a great idea. Next time, stuff your mouth with a candy bar.

By the way, how tall is she? 103 is very low.

The ONLY thing WORSE than telling the truth, is telling her she is PERFECT. THEN they think you are lying, and wonder just HOW BAD they must be, that you can't even tell them.

OHHHHH...... the minds of women......

I don't think so, Cant.

Women are usually very self-critical. It is the mirror of all the slender, beautiful women that is held up to us all of our lives.

My sons' both have drop dead gorgeous girlfriends (in their mid 20's) and you should hear them fret about their looks. One has a tiny, tiny waist, and rather curvy hips - and that is one of the things that attracted my son. But she is so self-conscious about her figure!

I think if a man is very particular about clothes or shoes, he needs to take her out shopping and be there when she tries things on. Most men get too bored doing that.

I know - I agree The weight loss was a few months ago and I certainly praised her all the way though that and gave her lots of compliments, so it wasn't like she just lost the weight and this complaint was all I had to say.

Certainly not - I like 90% of the clothes she has. The few things I don't like are mostly old clothes she has around. I doubt she even likes them that much. I might like to go with her or have her bring home a bunch of stuff and pick my top 5 outfits or whatever. I know men are different, but I wouldn't want to go to the effort of shopping (yuck) and buy a shirt and pants and feel good about wearing it if I knew my wife didn't care for it or thought it didn't flatter me. no way.

Thanks - I am trying I need some more ideas.

Amen. My thoughts exactly.

My H is high on PA. I didn't realize how much until it was past the 6-week wait time after giving birth to OUR son and I approached my H, wanting a little action. My H turned me down, saying he wasn't attracted to me when I was fat. It's been almost 8 years but don't think that hasn't stuck with me? (I can tell you exactly what I was wearing, where I was standing, and what the weather was like outside.) To this day, I wonder if H will stay with me if I'm struck with a dibilitating disease or become disfigured.

As a woman ages, the ol' body changes and the work she did decades or even just a few years ago to stay fit won't produce the same results. It's a lot of work to work against a woman's naturally slowing metabolism and when you're a mother, involved in so many other people's lives, it's hard to put in the extra time and thought necessary to take care of your own physical being. FWIW, I'm almost 5'5" and when I got down to 116 last summer (the post-infidelity diet), family and friends said I looked emaciated. Everyone wears weight differently but I hope your W is shorter than me.

I understand physical attractiveness is important to people. I like that my husband is handsome and it's what initially caught my attention, so I hear you. But I've also been blessed to have gotten to know him well enough so I can see the many other things to keep me attracted. He has, in fact, gained quite a bit of weight since high school.

Nice to read that you see the power of your comment and you want to make it up to her. That's commendable. Talk with her. Reassure her her looks aren't everything. They're important, but not the end-all-be-all. Unless they are. And if that's the case, then you either better be saving lots of money for plastic surgeries or you better walk away from her. Because you can't stop Mother Nature.

On another thread, Mike said (and I'm paraphrasing here) that his wife has voiced concerns for what may happen when her looks go -- a top EN for him. He's told her that he also worries about not living up to some of her ENs either as they age so how about if when the time comes, they put extra energy into those EN's that they are able to meet. Sounds like a great plan we all should consider.

5'4 I think. Weight is just a number and she doesn't need to lose weight, The only thing that could meet my need better is if she worked out or ran biked, aerobicized, etc...
I think You are right +2 probably would be more fair since she looks great, but I was knocking a whole point for "material things like clothes, shoes, hairstyle. Oh and she bathes and smells good to
She doesn't work out - We are building a home gym but it's a few weeks away. If she was working out a few times a week even just getting started I probably would have not taken off that point because workign toward that would also be meeting that need. Godd points. I would have been yelled at for spending more money if I spent more on an apology. She won't talk.

Good points as well - as a man I wish her needs were as easy as this. As a man I would be like "cool a checklist...Clothes, shoes, haircut, lift weights... This will be completed by next week!" next item..

Xcuse ~ all I can say is you need a big :twobyfour: up side your head.

It was #7 for her and I got a ...............+3 Whew!
I agree I should have gone +3 and said working out and that other stuff would make you +4 supermodel wife!!!! I should have posted BEFORE I filled this out...
5'4" She's skinny, but would say herself that she would like to have more muscle tone and be "tighter" If anything she will probably gain weight. (muscle)

For which thing? My EN or the way I presented it or too high standards? (Please don't say all of the above...)

Her #1 was Openness and Honesty which she gave me a -1 on meeting for her and her comment was "I feel that he doesn't share things with me if he feels like I will get upset"

xcuseme--you're a bit literal minded, lol. Hopefully your wife understands that and is only mildly torqued at you right now.

Do you mean she never talks to you or only about this particular problem? Doesn't really matter--your mouth works, right? Apologize, explain exactly what you meant, reassure her that even if she were not the perfect Barbie Doll that you would still love and cherish her.

Unless, of course, you would not. That would be a whole 'nother thread.

Dude - forget the openess and honesty when it comes to how attractive she is. You fell in love with her the way she is. You can be open and honest about something else.

I think you can still pull this off though. Tell her that you want to go along to pick out some clothes that will suit her tastes and yours.

As far as the "firming up", invite her to exercise with you.

No way is she anywhere near me considering her not attractive.
She has a small frame and looks great at 102, 103. It wouldn't take much work for her to get in shape 3X a week once I get this home gym together and she will be incredible. (I will be working out with her for sure)(and hoping she wears some skimpy workout gear) -

She was upset, but I tried talking to her last night and was doing 90% of the talking, but she at least was listening.
Later she was a tiny tiny bit affectionate to me and I was trying to be moderately affectionate. After a nights rest, she was finally returning some of that affection. Today we have been great and sent a few messages back and forth and I can't wait to get home to see her!!!