My wife of 5 1/2 years and partner of 14 years left me over a month ago. she took my 15 month old son with her to a city over 900k away. no notice just a "dear John" letter.
I should state that we had been arguing lately, over the last few months our arguments would escalate to the point that she would grab somthing that is important to me and threaten to destroy it, which in turn would lead to me trying to get my stuff back. Yes that means grabbing her, and yes I know that that crosses the line. but now she is saying that I am abusive, saying that I got physical with her. as I said I know that i crossed the line but i have never hit her.
I have not been meeting her emotional needs. I have not been as much of a help with the child as I should have. I have not been as much of a help around the house as I should have. Hindsight is 20/20
but I am not the only one who has not been meeting the others needs.
eight months ago we bought a house, signed a 25 year mortgage. I spent over a month doing renos to the house, trying to build a home for my family.
Our son was planed and we had to work at concieving him, she had two misscariges and I could tell that the misscariges were tearing her apart inside. but I could as well tell that she was elated to have a succsefull pregnacy. as was I.
Her hormons went crazy! I didn't know what I was coming home to on any given day. I had hard time dealing with it so I hid from it. trying to find ways to stay out. I did allot of camping that summer. I did allot of hiding. After a while I saw the error of my ways and during the last three months of her pregnancy i was there for her, or at least i thought that I was there for her.
Now she says that because I wasn't there for her we grew apart and she never got over that. Yet we still bought a house.

I could go on and on about our issues. as I said we have been togethter for 14 years. thats 14 years worth of issues. I have brought up coucelling in the past but we never followed it up.
So, my wife and son are 900 km away. we have only spoken a handfull of times and when we do she only wants to talk buisness. She is asking me to sell all of our stuff. I say asking I should say telling. she is being a stone cold b****. no emotion in her voice. no attempts at speaking about us.
I am walking on eggshells everytime I talk to her. I don't want to say anything to make her more angry with me. throughout all of this I still want her back. I am hurt and I understand that this will bring up alot of trust issues if she will have me back. she has always been extreamly controlling and this is a prime example of that. Yet I have never questioned my love for her. I have never questioned that I want her back.
She has not told me that we are over but I am worried that she is just doing that so that I will continue to take care of our things here. I worry that she is stringing me along.
I have thought about seeking legal advice but I can't bring myself to do that. I know that that would be the final nail in the coffin and I can't bring myself to do that.
I want my family back. I have told her that I am willing to try anything. But she won't tell me anything.
Another thing that worries me is that she is staying with her older sister in the city. My wife has three older sisters and the one that she is staying with is the only one that is not married. She split with her boyfriend of 10 years around a year and a half ago. and I worry that she is not bringing up the importance of keeping a family together. misery loves company, right.
I don't know where I am going with this. I guess that I am just asking for another opinion. any thoughts on how I should proceed. am I a fool for still holding on?

any help is apriciated.

What is she doing to pay for stuff? Did she get a job there? This is 900 miles away or 900,000 miles (900k) away? Are we talking same state or same country? Why have you not followed her and gotten a job in the same city she is in?

she always had a savings account that i wasn't allowed to see. I know that she took at least two grand from my account when she left. and she is staying with her sister free of charge. It is 900 killometers away (canadian) and it is the same provence. I have not followed her because we bought a house and we own other property where we (I) live. To make matters worse we had a pipe burst and have an extensive insurance claim ongoing on our house. I have to much to take care of here first. but I have stated to her that I do intend on following her. I have to sell my house (after it is repaired) and the rest of our assets before I can follow her. don't think for a minute that I haven't thought about dropping everything to follow her but somone has to do what is right and responsible. someone has to make sure that the kid is fed.

Do you have friends who can help you? How are things going?

I do have freinds and have been relying on them quite heavily. things are going better I guess. My wife has told me that if I take care of the issues that she has brought up than we can look into councelling. I don't know if she is just stringing me along but I refuse to give up on her/us.

I do kbnow that I can't take all of the blame for this mess and for now I will let it slide but if/when we reach councelling I will most certinly have my own issues that she must work on. She is very controlling, as is evedent by her method of dealing with this problem. And if she/we knew how to comunicate better things would have never gotten to this point.

I am still hopefull, I am trusting that she does see a way for us to reconcile. but as she is demanding that I sell all of our possesions (house, mobile home, camper ect.) I do have to wonder if she is just waving a carrot in front of my nose. as I said I am still hopfull and am willing to take that chance.

You should consider intensive marriage therapy. Intensives are usually 3-4 days spent with a counselor. This is hard core not your 1 hour a week "talk alot but nothing gets accomplished" deal. Seach for "marriage intensives". You can do it in a neutral place where you can both travel too. Tell her that you want to take care of the issues but you need help to do it. This would also work well given the distance involved. Good luck.

First, do NOT agree to anything permanent like selling your stuff.

ANY time she brings up divorce, stick to this one statement: "I do not talk divorce. I only talk marriage." And refuse to continue any conversation about divorcing.

Now, as for separation, it seems to me like you need to look into some legal pursuits, such as not allowing her to take your child away from you without your permission. At the time, you may be afraid of angering her. Do not let that stop you from protecting your relationship with your child. I've seen over and over again that, once a woman has separated from her man and taken the kids with her, the man has a hard time getting any decent court settlement about time spent with kids. Your case is unique, but it's safer to look into it now than to find out later too bad, she's the guardian now.

Also, I really think you need to take a strong lead in this situation. All I read is how you let her do stuff. That's not a criticism - it's very common for men to step back and be afraid of angering their wives, and then the wife walks all over him! AND loses any respect she had for him.

Women have to respect their husbands. Human nature. The only really great success stories I've seen here have involved the one who's left behind stepping up to the plate and being PRO-active, not RE-active. Take decisive steps to either move back in with her or get your child back with you.

at this point she still won't even talk to me, she has been gone for 43 days and still won't talk about us. I have told her that I will work on my personal issues that she has brought up but that she is being unreasonable by telling me that I have to sell our mutual possesions. I said that if she wanted to liquidate all of our assets then she should have satyed to take care of things. She should have stayed to work things out. At this point she has ran from her problems and is still ignoring our issues.

She has told me that I can't push her, that she needs space. Like I said it has been 43 days since I have seen my son. I know that I am a good father and i know that I am not as bad of a husband as she is making me out to be. I have been doubting myself due to her accusations but as you said Catperson, I have to stick up for myself. I know that I have rights but I am still not ready to take any legal action. But the waiting and doing nothing is f'ing killing me.

I am still worried about her being under her spinster sisters whatchfull eye. But Iknow that I can't do anything about that.

I have maintaned the stance of "I am willing to work on things, I DO believe that we can make it through this" but she has to come to the decision of wheather or not she wants to. I am trying not to be vindictive but it is getting harder and harder every day.there is a fine line between sticking up for yourself and being outright angry.

I have concidered a meeting with a lawyer but just for advice. Like I said I will not take legal action, If she wants to end this it will be on her shoulders not mine.

I agree that I do have to take the lead here, but everytime I try talking to her she gets angry. I know that she is feeling guilty about all of this and rightfully so. but I can't help that. I would concider myself lucky if guilt was all that I am feeling. try self doubt, remorse, anger and a general sense of being alone.

One of the issues that she brought up is my drinking. I am not one to drink to get drunk, more of a habitual alcoholic. but I have been cutting back conciderably and Have not had a drink since saterday (four days) I know that it is not alot and I am not out of the woods yet but it is a start. I know that I am trying. It would be nice to get smothing back for a change.

So thats it, hurry up and wait. thats her awnser. like I said it is killing me but what chioce do I have?

You need to see the lawyer about access to your son. If you go too long without seeing him, she's liable to press abandonment charges on you. Then you will NEVER see your son.

And you don't HAVE to do anything. Not until you see a piece of paper saying you're appearing in divorce court. Don't give her any money to finance her waywardness.

I am not in any way abandoning my son, I have stated to her that I do want to see him and that I don't have the money to fly down to see him. we have a house and someone must stay here and pay for things. as I said she cleaned out my bank account and left me with just enought to pay for bills. I have been saving all of my emails to her and I have stated that I want/need/deserve to see my son. but it is not an option at this point. she seams to think that the money that she was saving up for us is all hers. I have not been fighting that because I don't want her to not be able to provide for my son.
I have told her already that I will not sell a singlr thing of our as she seams to think that she will get the money! I don't think that she understands the legalities of deviding mutual possesions.

I don't see how she could say that I am abandoning my son. She took him away, she took all of my money so that i can't afford to go and see him. I should say that I do have money to see him but then I will loose my house. our house. although it would serve her right at this point I am trying my best not to feed into my anger. that would just make things easier on her.

I didn't mean you were, fishy.

I'm just trying to prepare you for what might happen in the courtroom if she decides to press for divorce.

That's why I urged you to take steps to prove that you're trying to see him. Steps that are verifiable in court.

One of the issues that she brought up is my drinking. I am not one to drink to get drunk, more of a habitual alcoholic. but I have been cutting back conciderably and Have not had a drink since saterday (four days) I know that it is not alot and I am not out of the woods yet but it is a start"

Dude - you need to go to AA immediately. That is the only way that your marriage will recover.

HF,

Put your words into actions...

Go down and file a kidnapping complaint against your wife. Seriously. Get to a legal aid rep and wait in line...be heard...be advised...so that you can set a legal separation document so the police can enforce visitation.

Do this right away...won't harm your marriage. Will bring reality. You a parent. You're needed. Removal is harming your child.

Do Plan A as described in Surviving an Affair...bring reality. Do not get in the way of her consequences...which come and you can't stop...you can delay or temporarily block.

Step aside. Do marriage. This is part of it.

Do NOT participate in fantasy. You're the lighthouse for reality and your wife isn't in it.

Be pleasant and upbeat on the phone to her...make sure your child hears your voice, assure that you're doing everything you can to be together again.

Go to AA. Meetings matter. Those are real actions you take.

You may have experienced the world making sense when you're not sober. Learn to understand that was YOUR fantasy, not reality, and consequences won't stop because you stop drinking. The sucky ones at least drop way down...because you aren't creating more and more with every binge.

Do all of this for yourself...your half of the marriage. Don't focus on what she's thinking/saying/feeling/believing. Focus on what she's actually doing...she's harming your child. She feels entitled, justified and lacks respect. That's hers. You can't change her. You can change you.

Your choices. You're can do this. No doormat in Plan A. Plan A is your best, most respectful, humble, determined and clear self. Period. You contact your family and friends...ask them to support your marriage...your battle.

Recovering a marriage is one day at a time. AA can help you see how the 12 steps help you with both issues, simultaneously.

When you hold yourself accountable, you'll hold her accountable, 'k? She can stay separate from you and safe, and NOT harm the child...in the same town/city. Know and exercise your rights. Take the steps. Doesn't mean you're ending your marriage...means you're no longer basing your choices on her response...which is at the heart of your addiction, too.

Because of <blank> I'm entitled. She's doing that now. Sure hurts...ain't pretty...and it's pretty devastating.

Learn that you are free, every minute of your life, to choose differently. None of us are entitled to anything...life is a gift, along with all the accoutrements. She can't make you and you can't make her...so doing the right thing is what matters...consider making your goal clarity, acting from respect and love.

LA

ok so from what I can gather, uyou are advising that I stay away from the angry outbursts, disrespect and demands as mentioned in plan A. I am 99% sure that there is no "other man" I don't think that she is like that. but at this point I have no idea what she is doing so I can't say that I am 100%. So I am looking at aplying plan A anyways. good advice, thank you. I have been letting her walk all over me. I have been her doormat. but no more. as I said I am having a hard time walking the line between sticking up for myself and being outright angry.

I am as well guessing that you are suggesting AA for legal maters, I.E. proof that I am working on my drinking. I do think that I can do it on my own, not on my own as I have some friends that have formed my support group. I am turned off by all of the religion in AA. No offence to anyone but I have never been one to believe god, I have always said that I am my own god. I am enough reason to live a good life. Besides how could a god or anyone else let this happen? aa is so steeped in religion it is hard to ignore.

I have already called the police and they told me that as long as the child is safe there is nothing that I can do. I called them on the third day that she was gone.

Now through out all of this, drinking or not, I have been rather clearheaded and I have a good sence of what I should do but I am having a hard time not playing into my emotion. After every phone call I say "why did I do that?". I tell myself "let her make the next step" then we go a week at a time with no comunication. I'll start getting frusterated and I'll call her, angry and scared. Like I said I know what I should do, I just have a hard time putting it into effect. putting my words into action.

I will look into legal aid today. I will not drink today and I will not call her/ e-mail her today. I will not be her doormat!(self reasurance)

thank you for all of the advice/opinions. please keep them coming!

one more quick question, would it affect things in court (if it gets that far) if I maintain the stance of "I love You and I am willing to work on things"?