And in case iam or Krazy or whoever it is that feels this way asks- I told him last night he could have custody and he did not want it. Not only that, he does not want to see them at all. How could a dad be that way? I guess they deserve a better dad than he is...

We've talked before that his faith doesn't condone pot smoking or the kind of abuse he's been dishing out before and after your EA.

You are standing between him and God, and you are preventing his recovery or potential for recovery.

It's time.

You know it. Imagine Jesus talking with you about the Atonement - what He did to cover the debt of your sins and of your husband's sins. But you seem to be bent on suffering for your own and forgetting that He already suffered them. Will you make His gift for nothing?

Talk with your ecclesiastical leaders - about ALL of it. At this point, three years later, they're not going to think you're excusing yourself. Let your husband go through his recovery or fall. But get out of the way of God taking care of you!

I know Penalty Kill, I know. It was just trying to do everything I can do to keep my family together. I would never give up my children.....

Someone please tell me I'll be okay- and more importantly, someone please tell me the children will be okay. Even if you have to lie.

Not only that, he does not want to see them at all. How could a dad be that way?

BR, no that's not it, this has been going on 3 years

Using resentment as a way to control and punish a spouse

I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.

By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.

What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive.

I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"

What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."

To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."

My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing. And as soon as his resentment doesn't pay him any dividends -- no longer helps him get his way -- he will find that it hardly ever occurs to him.

Hanging on to an unpleasant thought because it helps us somehow is what psychologists call "secondary gain." It means that even though the thought is unpleasant, it gets you something you need, so your mind keeps it around for its usefulness. There are many unpleasant thoughts that have this characteristic, and I have helped many people let them go by helping them destroy the usefulness of the thought. Making sure that S.K.'s husband never gets what he wants by bringing up her affair will help him overcome his resentment.