My 1.5 year marriage is full of lies. After the first month, I found out he had been married 5 times. He talked to his ex on the phone which I had to stop. He had another woman he had texted and talked for a couple of years upset that he got married and she kept trying to get him to see her in another state, so I had to get him to send her an email saying it was not what she thought they had. There is also the fact that we had trust issues on the computer to the point I put a keylogger on it. He found out and did some website stuff that was pretty hurtful. He doesn't work much and I don't trust him.

Back in the spring, I met my neighbors best friend and I instantly did not like her. I tried to be nice but I could not shake the feeling that something just didn't add up. She started coming over whenever we were home or my husband was outside ), etc. I watched the way she was with him and I told him several times that she was attracted to him and was trying to get to him. He didn't believe me. So, I just silently hated her. At the beginning of December, he was texting his sister back and forth, and he got another text at the same time that came up under the name "xxx" his sister. I saw that, not closly, but he said it was not his sister. Since something didn't ring right, I looked up our phone records and saw he was texting his sister on her number but this other number was someone else. I did a phone report search and it came back to this other woman. What really got me is that several times in the prior months he would say something about her and I would ask him if he was talking or texting her and he would tell me no. So now I had proof and he and I had a big blow up about it.

I was pissed that he lied. Again. So he tells me that he wouldn't talk to her anymore, but all he did was start talking to her on his work phone.

I've become someone I hardly know anymore and I hate myself. I've become suspicious, vengful, a liar and so underhanded. So, how did I find out? I ahd to find out if they were talking. They were. I called her and said look, what is going. She said they were just friends and it all started to try to get all of us couples to be friends. I told her that there were 5-6 hours of talking done everyweek including over 1700 text messages a month. That seemed a little much. She also said that my son wasn't a year old yet so my husband wouldn't leave so soon.

Anyway, DH switched work phones and then calls her again on the new phone and I found out. He said that *69 didn't work and he thought it would. So it went on again. Of course, he kept saying that his work phone was for work, but I guess since she had sprint it was ok since it was free. So, after I found out again - after he told me it was over - they quit talking for about 5 days. We then went across the street for a UFC fight and they were there. My son was sick so I sat with him all evening. Every time he talked to her she just lit up. It was gross. After that night, all the texting and talking started again and I blew up. Supposedly they thought since I was ok that night that everything was ok. I told him no, I meant what I said about no contact. He had to choose me or her. So time went on and I found out they were still talking. I packed his stuff and put it outside, called him and told him it was over. Of course, being stupid, I let him justify things. That she kept texting him and he got sick of it and called her. So, I called her myself (of course, he warned her.) I asked her what the heck was going on. This time it was oh, nothing. Just hadn't heard from him or seen him, but she and her friend had seen me going in and out of the house because they watch me and know my schedule. I asked her if he had ever asked her to quit calling or texting him and she said no, but he on the other hand said he went off on her about it and was not nice. She said that she had to tell him that she would not leave her husband unless she has absolutely sure things would work out between them. Making it sound like he has feelings for her. I was so mad. Two people, two stories and both full of lies. To make matters worse, at the times they weren't talking, she would forward messages to her friend to forward to my DH.

Finally on Jan 7th, it stopped as far as I knew. He got rid of his work phone and we changed his cell number. He wouldn't even give it to our neighbor. In fact, one evening she met him at his truck and asked what was going on that no one could reach him. He says he told her that he changed his number and got rid of his other phone and that we wanted nothing further to do with this other person. Period. Supposedly she understood.

So a couple weeks go by and I'm still worried about it and upset. I just had to know everything so I would google her and look for information on her. I found her myspace page, which we blocked and then she tried to reach him on facebook. We blocked that too. I used her myspace page initials and found her on ebay and found she bought 2 phones. One of my fears that i had voiced was that she would go so far as to purchase a phone for him and get it to him somehow, so I freaked out and brought this up. Then the other day, he comes home from running errands and says he ran into our neighbor and her husband at Wendys. She wanted to know if I was calling her because she was getting blocked numbers on her new number, because supposedly she was changing to sprint now so she could talk to her friend, which makes no sense to me since she has been talking to her on Cricket for 2 years. I told him it wasn't me. He checked my phone, my blackberry and my phone records. Later, I got to wondering if I got set up. That maybe he did have a secret phone (which i have looked for everywhere) and this was his way of covering his [censored]. I even told him, that if it was, then all I had to do was check her phone records again and if I saw that there was this new number and also calls to the old number, that I would know he was lying. He said he saw my point. So now this is driving me nuts.

He's told me over and over again that he was sorry, that I am treating him like he cheated on me. He's told me that he is so fed up with the drama that he just wants it to be over and he would not do anything that would make him lose his son - because I already told him that if I found out anything, I would take his son away from him. But, I can't find it in my heart to forgive and trust again. I am so afraid of being lied to again. So afraid. That is one of the things you just don't do.

Granted, I've done it to him and and i have done some things I should not have done. I hate myself for it. I guess it was a line on a show I was watching the other night - that character is not what you do when things are good, but how you act when things are bad. I took myself down to their level. I was horrible and I am trying to so hard to find my character and dignity again. I've never let someone influence me so badly before. I have asked God to forgive me but what i really want him to do is tell me if I should have faith in my husband.

What do I do? I have spend so much time thinking about things and how our whole marriage is nothing but lies and deceipt. I am so unhappy. I see so many advantages to being divorced. The anxiety is killing me. I can't eat. I never smile anymore. My daughter wants to know why I am mad all the time. I can't trust anyone. I don't know how to do this anymore. Yes, I did things very wrong, but I don't know that I can ever trust him. I don't think I do now. I don't believe my neighbor has a new phone. I think she is still using her old one. DH said he would go across the street and take a picture and send it to me. I was like no that is for me to deal with not you. I am tired of him telling our neighbor everything I think and say and then I know it gets back to this other woman. Maybe nothing is going on, but I don't know how to shake the feeling.

I even tried a couple counseling sessions. He told me was I not insecure but I had a fear of deception. The other days was when I realized that I had to elevate my character above theirs no matter how hard. If something is going on, then what goes around comes around. He doesn't go anywhere so he's not having an affair. He calls me all the time, but I just can't trust him. He says he will do whatever it takes to prove things to me because he does not want to lose his family or his son. I don't want him to do anything. I want to prove it to myself.

I feel like I"ve been walked on, lied to and deceived for too long.. I just want it over and I dont 'believe my own husband when he tells me it is. Why can't I? I don't know what to do anymore, but I feel like I need to walk away from all this. The only bad thing is that maybe I am wrong, but my gut tells me I am not. On the flip side, what if they are talking? What if I am being lied to? He comes home to me. He says he loves me. He spends all his time with us. I know him well enough that if he didn't want to be with me, he would leave (look at his track record). He is so adamant that nothing is going on. I don't find any other phone around the house. I've searched the car and garage and everything and I don't find anythign unless he is hiding it across the street. He thinks I am losing my mind.

How do I move on and make sure I am doing the right thing? I am trying to hard to change what I've turned into back into what I used to be before I got married but it is so tempting to want to do the "bad" things I have done because I have gotten so used ot it. I keep repeating to myself "character, character". I will win this. If nothing is going on, then good. If it is, I will eventually find out and know I deserved better but feel I wasted a lot of time on a man that knows nothing about respecting a marriage.

He says he loves me, is in love with me and would not do anything that would make him lose his family or his son, but he said all this before when he was supposed to stop talking to her. Without trust, I don't see this marriage working. I know I am too focused on what everyone else is doing but I don't know how to move that focus somewhere else - like to myself. I want to do the right thing for me and get away from lowering myself to their deceiptful level.

Any advice? Sorry this is long.

There is so many lies maybe you can get a special deal at a polygraph office.

Crossness in the family will make the home broken. A kid would rather come from a broken home than live in it.

He sound like a serial cheater. Drop him.

I am sorry to correspond with you under these circumstances. The folks here will really offer some sound advise because they've lived it.

Not sure how old you both are, but being married 5 times seems like a lot. An awful lot.

The thing with the cell phones has a name. Some folks call them affair-phones. The thing with your H blaming you has a name. It is called projection. They splash their badness on you. The thing where they work to convince you it is all in your head has a name. It is called gaslighting. They try to make you think you are the crazy one.

You've only got 1.5 years invested. We know how badly it hurts. Your H has an horrific track record -- run away while you have your sanity. Eliminate people with low morales from your friend list. It really does help to surround yourself with people who do not live the type lifestyle you are being subjected to.

Finally, H is having an affair and that woman is the OW.

We are both 39 years old. This is my 3rd marriage. I've always been big on honesty but the more I look at the last 18 months, it is always one lie after another. He tells me he did it to protect me because he knew I didnt like this woman. Or he tells me I'm psycho for thinking these things. I do not believe he is having a physical affair, but I believe he is lying about being in contact with this woman, though I have not found another phone and have surprised him several times by coming home at different times. He is a truck driver and goes back on the road Friday.

I guess where I am at is that a marriage should not be frought with constant worry about what the other person is doing. I should not have to worry about it all the time. It's painful because every day for months I think about a divorce. I even have the papers written up so I can file without an attorney. I just can't make myself do it. He seems so sincere when he talks about loving me and our son and how he wants to do it right this time. Makes me think I might be wrong, but there is always something that comes up. Nothing is ever normal or honest.

I'm turning to God on this one. I have a Christian counseler I am starting seeing next week and I am telling my story to a friend (since we married I have been told I am not to tell anyone our business, but yet he can tell the OW's friend across the street everything I say). I feel like a pawn in a game.

Read the Plan A and Plan B items on this site. I think one of the things that is recommended is exposing an A. Keeping it secret allows it to continue.

Use your brain. Everything points to a PA. Why would he lie to you if there was not one? Those with nothing to hide...hide nothing. He is not that person. He is hiding a PA.

Also, did you have an A on him? That would change things somewhat...

Here's the deal. He didn't cheat on me, he lied to me. That is the crux of the situation. I found out about him talking/texting to her by seeing an number on his phone and then getting ahold of a phone search and finding out it was her number. I have never been a liar and I don't tolerate it well. This whole situation that lasted 6 weeks has turned ME into a liar and deceiver. I don't like that part at all. I asked him to have no contact with her several times until it finally happened for sure on Jan 7th.

We have a 6 month old son together and I told him that if I even found out anything, that I would take his son away. He is scared to death. That being said, I am still concerned but I think it is my issue after so many lies. I have not found a secret phone, I have not found any contact with her, etc. He knows my concern about the phone with our neighbor and says our neighbor has changed to Sprint from her old carrier since she could never get a signal, etc.

Today he wanted me to come home for lunch. I had left him several messages telling him I feel about all this and that lies have destroyed our marriage and there is always something he finds to lie about. That I would rather hate the truth than be lied to. Anyway, at home he asked what i wanted. I asked him what he wanted. He said he has had no contact with her, she has never come over and there is no secret hidden phone. He says he would not take the chance of that happening. He also said that around the time all this blew up, he asked our neighbor what the deal was. She told him that the OW was in love with him because her marriage was so bad, or thought she was in love with him, but this OW was also needy and grasping at any man who would be nice to her, and my husband was the lucky one. He said when he found out, he said no more. I don't want to talk to her, see her, she better not come into my yard or even look over at my house. I am not giving up my wife and family for her and I never would. I thought she just wanted to be friends. Our neighbor said she agreed with him and had told this OW that what she did was wrong.

So now it is my choice as to whether to believe him or not. Its not about an affair, its about lying. Its about me becoming someone I don't like. It's about a fear of further deception with no way to prove it without lowering myself to do things I shouldn't (guess I could hire a PI).

I have never looked at another man since we have been together. I honestly believe he thought it was innocent but it turned out not to be on her part and now she is in love with him. My problem is trusting him that he is not in secret contact with him.

Doing something with OP that you wouldn't do if your spouse was standing right next to you = cheating*

Have to ask. What do BH, FWW, PA, EA mean? I keep seeing all these abbreviations but don't know where to look for clarification.

I agree with you and I told him that. He says its over, swears its over, will do anything to prove it. He thought they were just friends. He never suspected she would have feelings for him. But I don't know if I can get past it and get away from the doubt. Too many people involved. I feel stuck but I don't want to make a mistake and walk away if he is telling the truth, I just don't know how to know for sure.

Hi Sb,

All abbreviations are at the top of this thread list page.

His REASONS for lying to you are bogus. He is lying because he is HIDING something.

You are correct...you cannot and SHOULD not trust him. Untrustworthy people SHOULD NOT be trusted.

How long are you willing to be the gatekeeper? Is this what you want for a M?

You have NEVER had the truth, why do you expect it now?

It's not what I want and I told him that. Right now what I am seeing is that he is doing everything he can to get me back and to get me to love him again. I told him last night that while yes, I did some deceiptful things to find out what was going on, I did not lie to him about another person. I told him I am not doing those things any more and will not stoop to his level. I also told him that his temper tantrums when we talk are not going to guilt me into anything. He is the one that has something to prove. Not me.

Just like all these other posts, there is nothing but the other person's word that things are as they are. I guess you have to have some faith in God and in your spouse that things are going to get better. I love my husband and I guess I am going to give him this one last chance. I don't really have anything to lose. He knows where i stand and I think it scares him to death. He is the one with something to lose. I already know I will be fine on my own.

If I am looked down up because of this decision, I guess there is nothing I can do.