Well, IMHO because marriage is a commitment you made and in the end I wanted to do EVERYTHING I could to save my M.

Or you buy into the timeline and addiction theory and understand that WH is an alien who is OUT OF HIS MIND and that the odds, the bets are he will be home and figure it out.

This is YOUR story, YOUR journey, but things to consider are, even though WH is being a MORON and simple JERK, are you prepared to leave stones unturned and not try everything by just letting time be your guide.

I don't judge, I don't take peoples journies away, I just heard your pain in the beginning, I felt in, I felt the absolutely need to somehow make sense of the absolute insanity and it's just hasn't been that long since it happened.

You suffered a tremendous trauma, your life was blown to bits, but hurrying to conclusion isn't allowing G-d into your life and doing his miracles.

I didn't want to go into Plan B, I wanted to keep doing Plan A, and in fact I did the most AMAZING Plan A. I was having a blast.

I was willing to do ANYTHING, even if it didn't make sense to me, even if it was HARDER on me. I wanted to know that I FOUGHT the ABSOLUTE HARDEST for my M.

Plan B was one of the HARDEST things I ever had to do. But I'm owning that I have done an almost stellar Plan B. I have not had ONE WORD of contact with WH since March 17th. I saw him in court, and looked the other way, and then he emailed me right after and I ignored because it wasn't an emergency. And the last attempt on his part was threatening my child to put the cell phone bill into my name. I didn't respond and acted when it was best for ME. NOT HIM.

When I went into Plan B I went in believing that it was very possible I would NEVER have any contact with the man I loved with everything I had in life to offer, and yet I was willing to just trust G-d and those on here.

We somehow thing that going into Plan B is easy. Oh it's not, it's harder than Plan A because we BS's are getting OUR FIX of the H we once knew.

You can do whatever you set your mind to. But only YOU can do it. We can offer the suggestions, tell you how to do it, etc, but in the end it's your life, your choice, your war.

Oh god. I am so confussed. I don't know what to do, but I sent him a plan b letter again today and I hope the financial part will work out.
I wish I believed in us, but right now I don't.
The pain is easier when I believe it is over, so for now it has to be for me.

Leave the Plan B letter, stay dark and do nothing. Let go and let G-d. TRUST G-d.

My AA sponsor taught me NO AMOUNT OF PAIN WILL KILL YOU. IT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH THAT PAIN THAT WILL.

Brown, this is painful stuff. It HURTS, it SUCKS, but you have to feel it, walk through the pain because you will learn about yourself, you will learn about who you are becoming and what strengths you have deep inside.

Don't lie to yourself, it you believe it's over because YOU want it to be over, then that's one thing. If you are saying it's over so it doesn't hurt. I would ask you to stop that and just let G-d work it out.

to be honest right now I have no faith in god. My dad was a minister when he was alive and grew up believing that if you were good and kind it comes back to you and this is unbelievable right now.
I know it could be worse, I have a friend whose child killed himself and I have 3 healthy beautiful boys, but no faith right now.
I can't imagine what I did in my life to deserve this or what kind of test it could be.

BE, things could always be worse. I've seen that just from reading some of these threads here. Things could always be worse...remember that.

But, you also have to keep in mind that this is not the first time your H has done this to you. So, do you want it to be a continuous cycle and perpetuate itself over and over again? Or, are you willing to say "enough is enough". We also have to keep in mind that G*d has a purpose for us all and His will be done...it is not our place to question the why... We will all be judged some day. But, we do have to take action--just pray for guidance and direction but also use your common sense.

My grandfather used to tell me "what goes around, comes around" and man, have I found this to be true.

Take charge of your life and stop being a doormat.

I grew up a pastor's daughter too and believed the same thing, although not in the way you'd think. My dad died very young and I saw him go through some horrific situations involving "members" of the church and his denomination. My dad WAS good and kind and it DID come back to him... he died at an early age with a broken heart because of people, but his faith in God remained strong.

It's taken me over 50 years to learn that people will mostly let you down, but God is steadfast, true and never changes. His mercy is BIG.

He loves you when you love Him, when you doubt Him, when you hate Him, and when you curse Him. He's still here.

I can not tell you how many times I cried to God and said:
"WHY? why am I suffering, while he is out having a grand time?? I am the one who went to church, sang in the choir, took care of my kids. I did all the laundry, all the cooking,and worked full time. But I am the one lonely and alone. He is happy and having a great time. This is NOT FAIR"

fast forward to now, and my life is so much better than I could have ever dreamed for myself. I wish you knew me personally! You would know that I am telling the truth.

You are going through a season of pain. A horrible, no good, rotten season of pain. But it will only be for a season. Allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to cry when you need to. Go THROUGH the season, dont stay in it.

Meanwhile, your WH is going through a season of false "happiness". I truly believe that his happiness is mistakenly related to a notion that he is going to clear his financial slate, start all over, and no longer have bills and debt hanging over his head.

This is a lot of what my Ex had decided in his own mind. At first he was convinced that OW#1 was going to sell her house and the two of them would have all of this money in the bank to spend wildly. Turns out her house was an older mobil home, in a park and not even worth the amount she owed on it.

and at one point, OW#1 was no longer in the picture, and my WxH was still acting like I was the source of his troubles, and he needed to remain free to chase his own happiness.

within 9 months he was even farther in debt, with no W, and no OW. That was when his season of "happiness" ended. And mine had just begun.

I am in a MUCH better place now. I am married to a man who truly loves the Lord. My new H does not have a probelm with debt or money. I can fully trust him to take care of our bills, and I no longer lay awake at night wondering how I am going to pay them.

My Ex definately had a spending problem. He once got a credit card at Bi-Mart (discount store) and bought a $600 rifle without telling me. Then he would hide the bills from me and mail the minimum payment each month. Problem was, the check he used to pay the bill, came out of the same account I used to pay for everything else. I never knew when a check was going to clear the account that I had not written. He also got a Disney Store credit card and bought hundreds of dollars worth of Disney crap. then it was a $2500 boat motor. Each time, he would tell me that he would "pay for that himself"with some miracle money that was supposed to come, that never did. I was always trying to juggle the finances, and keep everything afloat.

I am 100% certain that when he left, it wasn't really because "I did not love him enough" - but that is what he said to me. I think it was because he could not get that "high" from spending money any more, because he knew he had us too far in the hole all ready. So then he found an OW to give him a new "high" and decided that his spending problem from our 18 year M was all my fault. I didn;t give him the "high" that a new relationship gave him, so that forced him to go out and spend money we didn't have, to make himself feel better.

I was just like you once. certain that I would never be happy again. That I would be lonely, alone, and divorced. Certain that God had rewarded my Ex, and punished me. I was SO wrong. it is just that my reward was coming later. And my reward has been worth waiting for.

and I have to say: my life was better even before I met my new H. I had reached a point of peace. I was enjoying my life, my friends, my children, and my closer walk with God. After I reached that point, I knew I was better off. And then the Lord brought me another prize - my current H.

God is not punishing you - or rewrding your Poopy WH. Be still, and know that He is at work in a mighty way.

I wanted to add one more thing:

You talk about believeing it is over. think on this:
Your old M IS over at this point. Done. The relationship you once had, does not exist. BUT you CAN have a new M with this man. And at some point, that will be YOUR choice, not his. He ended the old M. You will someday decide IF you want a new one, and if so, how YOU want it to be.

You may not believe me yet, but someday, you will.

Cry out to Jesus for now. He is right there with you. And he does not test you - he allows you to go through times of learning, and growth.

and if you spend a little time each day seeking him, talking to him, reading the Bible, you will start to see his plan for your life. And his plan wil be something MUCH bigger than you have now.

Thanks for that, it helps so much tobe understood.
My kids and friends say get over it, stop crying it has been 3 weeks and I barely make it home from work before I cry.
I do truly believe one day he will want to come home, but we will see.
I still have trouble sleeping and eating, but I am getting stronger every day, okay maybe every other day

browneyes, sometimes you can only get through the next five minutes. Other times you can get through 20. Don't think about the long haul. Just concentrate on the next hour or the next day. The pain is so bad at first that thinking about surviving a week or even a day seems impossible.

So just break it down into 5 or six minutes at a time. Then tack on another small unit. Maybe a half hour. And stick in a prayer. A rosary if you are catholic, an our father if "other". That fills a minute.

Later you can start a gratitude journal. But not right now. 3 weeks is still pretty raw and fresh.

Okay? You have just been hand-held and hand-squeezed for encouragement. You can make it through today, just through today. We'll talk about tomorrow tomorrow.

BE, I think I've asked you this before but don't remember your answer...when you went to the doctor, did he/she give you anything? i.e., antidepressants, etc? If not, have you considered something like St. Johns Wort? I have started taking this and it has seemed to help me...

You are doing very well for such a short period. But, it sounds like your WH is stringing you along--you know, leaving a door open for IF he wants to come back. But, this is something that you have to decide for yourself--what is in your best interest...

And, with the returning of the house key thing...it costs about $2.00 to have a duplicate key made. He MaY have done this before he returned your key. Did you think about that?

Any new developments?

Just bumping for Browneyes,
How are things? You haven't posted in a while???

I have been following your story and just wondering how youare doing too.

Well thanks for caring, but it's all pretty bad.
My lawyer looked at the finances ans agreed that the refinance is a good idea, we got a great rate and it will clear up the credit card bills only up to the day he left.
He already has over $3000 in his name only.
He said he doesn't want a divorce, he just needs to find himself blah blah blah.
He swears he is not in contact with any other women just unhappy with his life and needs to find out what makes him happy.
He says if I love him I will give him that time.
What a load of bull huh.
He will never come home we only talk about the refinance and we are signing tonight so goodbye any chance our marriage had.
I can't make him want me or love me when we have no contact and it is to painfull to talk to him so I guess it is really over.
He has been gone for a month now and I have seen him 2 times for a couple of minutes.
He hasn't even seen the boys in weeks.

sorry, my doctor has been calling me constantly and I think it is time to get something to help with this pain
Wh actually said it makes him sick that I would even want him home.

Okay he knocked on the door tonight instead of walking in and he went to check on the leaky sink, had some coffee made gaot him a cup fixed the way he likes it and even had baked my famous chocolate chip cookies. He asked if he could have a couple, I said of course.
I was wearing my skinny jeans as I am quite a bit smaller then last time he saw me and I looked and acted happy and content.
As soon as the notory left he gave me a paer he signed saying the house is mine and he will pay morgage, taxes, and pge until a time that I want to take it to court.
He acted like we were never even friends, like we just had to sit and sign papers together and then he left, i waited about 20 seconds before I started crying, and now I can't stop, I guess my marriage is really over, I don't know what to do, I know I can't keep having him tell me bad things about myself, but I love him and I miss us.

Browneyes, why didn't your H go to the L and sign papers? You are not protecting your heart by still talking to him and having him come over. I thought you did a Plan B but still in contact with H.

Look at your posts, ever time you see him you fall apart. It is not good for your soul.

Get to a doctor and speak to him about your emotional state and stop answering the phone for H.

You will start to feel better with no contact.

I know I shouldn't talk to him or see him anymore, but this had to be done and I wanted him to see me looking and feeling better, even though it wasn't real.
I had really hoped he would see the me he loved and not the one that has been crying and who knows maybe he did.
We had a great marriage and were best friends, I still don't understand what he is doing, but I thought the last time we see each other I should be looking good and pretending to feel strong.
I am having such a hard time giving him up, he seems fine with no contact and is living his life without me no problem.
I just miss him so much and wanted one more chance for him to miss me, now I guess I have to go dark and give up 25 years of my life.

Brown, how are you this morning?

I just miss him so much and wanted one more chance for him to miss me, now I guess I have to go dark and give up 25 years of my life.

Brown, think of about 10 things you loved to do during those 25 years that do not include your husband.

Then focus on those things. You need to develop a positive gratifying blessed life apart from any man!

You can do this.