Hello, I haven't posted in a while but have been feeling pretty down and have been searching again for some hope, some help. Don't really now what I want to say. I guess I want to ask a question.
How long does it take? How long before this pain is bearable...how long before you stop praying, stop hoping, stop hurting? It seems some days I will be okay and then some day it seems like it never will be okay again.

How is it that you think you are going to be with the person you love most in the world for the rest of your life and then one day you find out that is not what he wants and he never did?

Short history: M 34 yrs, together 37, 3 sons 30, 29, 15. H left 3 yrs ago to work out of state after Katrina.... I did not go...big mistake I realize now. At the time it was not a good place to be and having a son in school and a mother living in the downstairs apartment seemed like a bad idea. Long story short, secretary moved down too and they started affair, she has been married 3 times already told him the kids would be fine in time and I would find someone else...that was her experience anyway. He has never cheated before, but where he is there a a bunch of males together drinking and basically living like frat boys. No wives all the beer they can drink and no rules. We are not divorced...I can't do it and he has not.

Mind you this is not someone who ever acted this way before, as soon as he started the affair I knew, he could not pretend, I had never known him to lie to me or anyone else our whole marriage, when I asked him what was the matter since he seemed so different when he came home to visit he told me. That is when the lying started, every thing he said was the response you always hear...I never loved you I never wanted to get married in the first place, she makes me happy...on and on.

He is drinking alot and he never did before, he does not know how to face his children so he doesn't. He has not been home in 1 year... I have taken our son to meet him a couple times and he has flwon down to stay with him a couple times but that is it. She was not there when he went. She had come home to visit her family. None of our sons will have anything to do with her and they are all hurt beyond belief. My oldest will not speak to him or talk of him at all. My middle son is profoundly sad that he has been left by a Dad he thought adored him. And our youngest has lost the best friend he had, the one who rock climbed, did Karate with, rode bikes with, laughed with and looked up to above all else.

I don't know what to do... I am on meds but this pain is unbearable sometimes and I miss that other half that used to be here. So my question is how long?????

I can't tell you how long, but I can tell you that if make some changes, it will probably be shorter.

What kind? Mental, physical, and operational.

Read uplifting books, get more/different therapy.

Have you changed your exercise regime? The number one way to feel better instantly - physical activity.

What are you doing new that you didn't a year ago? What have you always wanted to do but never did? Find out how to get started.

Basically, kick yourself in the rear end and start stuttering forward. Movement = progress.

SMA

I remember you. I read back on your posts and it appears that nothing has changed. Well nothing except your WH. He is still deep into his A and doesn't seem to be looking back at all. Did you speak with a lawyer?

I know you said that you COULDN'T D your WH, was that because of finances?

You're are in the same place that you were a year ago. You seem to be hoping that he's going to come back and be the man he was before. Please try to look at this and see if you can get your self into a position where what he does or doesn't do is not what you base your entire life on. You have to take control of your life. You need a plan.

Your WH has actually been in a PLan B of his own. He doesn't communicate with you or your family because it is too painful for him to do it. He knows the pain he is causing all of you so he hides and doesn't face the reality of it all. He can't. Don't know if he ever will be able to. Some WS leave for good JUST BECAUSE they cannot deal with the sad state they left their family in. They can't deal with it so they let it go. The only thing that helps them deal with it is the A. So it's this ugly viscious circle. It ONLY stops when the A ends. But there is a small percentage of A's that don't end.

What are your plans if the A doesn't end? How long are you willing to wait to R YOUR life?

Your pain is palpable. I can even feel it so I know you are not in a good place. But nothing is going to change that unless he stops it or you do. You can only control you.

What would happen if you could file for D? Do you think that might just wake him a up just a bit to see that you are no longer waiting for him and you are moving on? Would that rattle him enough to end his A? I don't know if it would but honestly if that doesn't you will find yourself in this horrendous state forever. Or until you have a mental breakdown.

Please step back and look at this as logically as you can. Nothing has changed in years.

((((((((sma)))))))))

Wow, three years??!!!

I agree with previous posters, take steps to help yourself! Read books, see an IC, stay on the meds, seek support from family and friends.

Have you exposed to his family? Obviously your children know about the situation.

Take steps to help yourself. All you can control is YOU! So do it. Be strong...