You may fail to see. Dr scott might not.

Can you do me a favor and run down a quick list of the questions I am not allowed to ask. It would probably save us both a whole lot of time.

Read the articles on the site and the Basic Concepts. Then make a decision if you can support them. If you can, post in a way that shows that you understand what the concepts are all about. If you don't support them, then you could always find a generic marriage site that does not use a specific set of concepts. People come to this site for Marriage Builders type support. While we all miss the mark a bit from time to time, at least we all have read the site and support the concepts.

But I imagine that you are going to do what you want to do. Just be prepared to be called on your non-marriage builders comments and questions.

That is exactly the case with how the lies began in the A. Past history I only know of two boyfriends. Don't know much about the first guy. The second guy was more of a comfortable relationship...they were not really matched too well. I think he was just there and that she did not care for him very deeply. I never thought about prior dating relationships??? I did not know they mattered?? I guess my parents always told me to look at how the parents interact, so that is what I usually keyed in on. Interesting.

As far as what kind of husband I am, I have no problem answering that. I am known as being blunt, respectful and to the point in 10 words or less

I am more of a homebody than her. I have a few close friends that have not changed over the years. My strengths as a husband would be dependability, honesty, and I work really hard around the house.

Weaknesses would probably be not as social as most. As far as romantically, it is hard to tell, she withdrew emotionally sometime ago, and I guess so did I??

But ya'll don't worry I don't have a thin skin and I will not blindly take anyone's advice. I do not regret total exposure and would do everything the same way if I had it to do over again.

EDIT: BTW, while co-workers and friends were outwardly aghast, at least to her, about exposure, my bet is that deep down somewhere the married ones respected me for it.

What do you want to share with WW tomorrow?

OTH

Though I have not been posting here this long I have been reading here since 2004.

What I have noticed is that in the past new people were slower give out advice then today.

The co-workers and friends are critizing you for the exposure? Where are you hearing this?

From her...but I assumed it might be true. I guess in my limited experience, the MB approach seemed rather unique. Most affairs I have personally seen were kept quiet by all involved parties.

As far as what I want to share, I guess it would depend on her. If she seemed genuine about saving our marriage, I would insist on NC, radical honest and professional counseling.

Are there lists of MB approved/trained counselors??

I guess you would have to follow her statement up with a question. How many of the people that are critisizing you have cheating adulterers for a spouse? Tell her that you would be happy to listen to any of them that will come forward and let you know what they did and how it worked for them.

On another subject, regarding peoples comments on my posts. I find it fascinating that none of the people that are actually the initiators of their threads, have as yet, found any of my posts to be either offensive or off point. I actually appreciate their courage in addressing my comments. I think it does them credit. I also can understand my detractors because their goal is to protect the thread creators from perceived advice that may not be in line with the founders principles. As I have said, I am one voice on this board. There is room for more then one view.

If WW is the source, ignore her. She'll lay any guilt trip on you she can. If you socialize with any of these people who are supposedly whining what a meanie you are ask for names. If WW doesn't give any, ignore her. If she produces names, confront those you consider your friend as well. If it's true, kick said person to the curb because they are not a quality person you need as a friend.

People keep quiet out of fear. Don't become that person.

O/T: Hi Ouch,

You are welcome. Please remember there are many folk here that have experienced infidelity. It can confuse the hearer when there is a conflicting viewpoint.

Your thoughts on helping other folk is commendable. Don't be offended when someone brings you back to the program. We both have many things to learn.

God bless you!

Harley suggests that Radical Honesty is one of the key features required for a truly intimate relationship, and that honesty includes honesty about each other's history, including past relationships. For example, ex-lovers can cause problems later on if they come back into your spouse's life. It's my thinking that knowing about how those past relationships actually started and ended can give you a lot of insight into what you could expect from your spouse. Unfortunately, many ignore this to their detriment, based on the several cases here of BSs complaining about the waywardness of their married-many-times-over spouses...

I think looking at how the parents interact also helps, though I only found out about several years after hitching myself to my FWW. If I knew about this back then, I'd have run to the hills instead.

Don't worry too much about those co-workers BTW. The intent of the exposure should be to cause as much discomfort in the A as possible, and that's exactly what seems to be happening.

Yeah, I am not too worried about what other people think. I acted with honorable intentions and I have nothing to be ashamed of.

WS and I went out to dinner last night. She was more interested in telling me how she disagreed with exposure than working things out. I guess this is normal so soon after, but I am discouraged now. I am getting close to giving up.

Dr. Scott--you said "y'all", hehe--I love it since I'm born and raised from the Deep South!!!

Of course, WW is more concerned about the destruction "you" caused in "her" life as a result of the exposure. She's not much concerned about the destruction that "she" caused in her own life as a result of HER actions. This is typical.

You have done the right thing. Sounds like she is in the "fog" phase and not ready to accept the consequences of her own actions.

From what I have read, the fog lasts until nc and withdrawal are complete??

I have been thinking about what my boundaries and capabilities are, and if this goes on much longer, I will change my cell phone # to assist in NC with her, while at the same time getting my stuff out of the house and moving on. Hopefully, before the divorce is final she will realize what she is losing.

Am I too hasty?? It just seems nobody is looking out for me. The exposure was awesome and has made a huge change quickly, but she is still in fantasy land.

BTW, Dawn, "Howzyermomanem??"

My opinion, is to not rush into plan B yet. The impact of all the exposure is still going on. Let it set in a little longer.

drscott,
I just read your thread from the beginning. I must say, the way you handled exposure was AWSOME!

But I gotta ask... How are you holding up mentally/physically?

Dr. Scott--You are moving pretty quickly but it just all depends on what you ultimately want and how you want the situation to turn out.

If you're sure that you're through then go for it. If you think there is any change to work on things and that WW may change then give it a chance. It's just all up to what you want at this point. It's all about you in my opinion. If you want to D WW then, that's certainly your choice.

You are correct in saying that WW is still in fog and will be for a very long time--even after she has established NC. One thing (if you want to work on it) it to have WW write a NC letter and allow to you approve it and mail it to OM. She needs to provide complete and total transparency for you.

And, BTW momanem are just fine!!! They're fixin' to celebrate Valentines Day up in Gawgia!!! I miss home!!!

Just hang in there and I promise you if you will move this over to General Questions 11, you will get much more support.

And, Dr. Scott--I forgot to mention this but, you are the EXPOSURE KING!!!

Thank you, exposure was hard, only the BS truly knows. Aside from being very powerful, it is also a little healing. Naming the secret monster in the closet helped me in a lot of ways.

Not time to plan B WW.

Let exposure work.

Where is WW spending her nights?

How has exposure effected their jobs?