OK, thinking about a note to this effect:

Wife, it's been a week since we last discussed boundaries and progress in our marriage. My understanding is that you are staying here to work on our marriage and to be with your children. You told me that you would not contact The Dude while here. I think you know where I stand on our marriage, but I want to reiterate that I cannot continue in a situation where you are sleeping in our bed, in our house, with our children, while remaining in an affair with another man.

I appreciate the love and friendship that exists between us and the efforts you've made to maintain it. I've had some very nice times with you and it's beautiful to see you with the children.

I do not want to create a dynamic where you feel forced to lie about your affair with the Dude. I will take the fact that you have not told me of any termination of the affair that it is still in progress. I will not live in an arrangement where you are living with me, but involved with another man. Please tell me what your plans are.

My idea for Plan B is that I will stay in the house with the children. I will not keep her from seeing the children in a place that I agree to. We will only share childcare expenses and some credit card debt. All other financial connections will be terminated. I will ask my brother to act as an intermediary for communication related to practical matters and children only. If there is a desire to commit to a reconciliation plan, then I will talk.

I will pursue a legal separation to give this request some teeth.

Plan A is still the current MO and I have another month before I will consider Plan B.

How does that sound?

Aaaaaah, 3:15 in the morning and no sign of the wife. This feels familiar. I will be asking her to proove that she was not with OM tonight or to stay elsewhere. I won't live like this.

I would just ask her to stay elsewhere. I'm sure she was with the OM, but even if she wasn't, she is not being respectful to you and her family. Let her move out to carry on her affair.

I still have not heard from wife as of this morning at 9:00. I am going to ask her to move out. I can't keep doing this. Is this when Plan B goes into effect or do I stick with my goal of withholding a decision until March 15th? I can't see maitaining this level of self control in Plan A for another month in the face of this much disrespect and abuse. I suppose I'll wait until I hear from her to see where she's at.

Help me help me help me.

Lots of people do Plan A's when they're not living together. All it means is building up this great image of you. You look good, you smell good, you fix things, you care about her, you take care of yourself (so you're not just sitting around waiting for her crumbs), and you DO get on with your life. If she's not around to go to the zoo with you and kids...that's her loss not yours. See how it works? Seeing you get on without her will probably be the strongest possible impetus to make her question her decision. I truly think half or most of the appeal of the affair is the ego boost it gives the WS, knowing you're desired by two people. Once she sees you able to cope without her, she'll be going 'wait, what?'

I think you make a very good point about the ego boost. She is very brazen and convinced of her desirability right now. In fact, it seems like physical attraction has really been a focus for her lately. I've done a very good job of whipping myself into shape and looking my best, and she has noticed. She doesn't really reach out to me, but she is yet to stop me when I rub her back in bed or touch her leg, or hug her.

OK. I'll hold off on Plan B a little longer. I will start packing her things to help get the message across. I am asking her to leave.

Hey man this is truly rough. Do you wonder how her first husband coped with all of this when you were there.

Have you at all contacted OM and told him that you are determined to save your marriage.

I know I'm supposed to get reviews here first, but I'm tired of inaction. This is the email I just sent her:

I am done. I’m not going to continue to facilitate your affair and you disrespect and abuse. I’m not going to contribute to your ego and your inability to choose between two men. You’re my wife. I am not going to compete for you, because you already know my qualities and you know I am the man for you. If you can’t face the guilt for what has happened, if you can’t reengage your friends, if you are only willing to hold onto your anger and resentment, then I think I’ve done all I can do to convince you to come back. I know that I have screwed things up too, but I’m willing to do something about it.

I’m moving on with my life. I want you to stay elsewhere, starting tonight. I will begin packing your things, and you can come by and get whatever else you need. My life is now about me and our children. I will stop at nothing to protect them from the pain of this situation. I will no longer lie to them.

If you’d like to discuss this, let me know. Otherwise, please stop by to gather your things today.

Good on you, Zen. Have her stuff in trash bags and ready for her to just grab.

The disrespect must end and it's good to see a BH stand up for himself.

Go talk to a lawyer and secure your rights. File for abandonment.

Take aggressive action.

I err on the side of going to Plan B and cutting her out.

I hope this works for you! I'll pray for you guys!

Well. She came home and saw her bags packed. I told I would not continue in this fashion. I told her that I am her husband and I will not just let this continue. You stay or you go. Decide.

She just called the dude up in front of me and told him she won't be seeing him again.

She agreed to use 'Surviving the Affair' as the method of recovery.

Dear lord the roller coaster is too much. I'm elated and scared and nervous and guarded. NC letter is the first step. Transparency and radical honesty are next. I'm going to try to do this by the book.

Thank you Lord for your mercy!

May he grant you strength to endure the rollercoaster.

Had another gut-wrenching talk. She really feels very little for me other than friendship. It's VERY hard to take. I feel like I'm having to convince her to do this. Is this normal?

Normal, normal, normal.

Stick to your boundaries. You are making headway. Like BobPure says, "It's a marathon, not a sprint."

Well she did make the decision to choose you over other guy.

While she is in withdrawal do not expect anything amazing from her.

I've had some crazy days over the last month, but yesterday might just take the cake.

We put the kids to bed and opened a bottle of wine. Sat in bed and talked and watched some TV. Soon, we were talking about the big issues again. It started out light but got heavier and heavier. We kept drinking on top of it (A little background: I was a total non-drinker until this all started. I thought by losing this hang-up it would be something we could occasionally share - slippery slope, I know, but there has been some good catharsis through this as well). Soon we're starting to uncover some very heavy stuff about our childhood, etc. The conversation took the strangest twist. WW starts telling me she thinks I should sleep with someone else, basically so we're even. I'm trying to listen, and of course the caveman in me is intrigued by this idea, but I basically keep saying that this most certainly will not help our marriage. Somewhere in there, I sprout this bloody nose! I haven't had a bloody nose since I was a kid! I kept telling WW that I'm listening and I want her to keep going with this idea, but that I think it just results in one more thing between us that keeps us apart, and I just want to work on our marriage. We're pretty toasted at this point. I'm getting pretty emotional. She goes out on the deck and smokes a cig (habit she picks up under heavy stress). I start balling and the nose starts bleeding for real. Not a pretty sight! I finally get ahold of myself, cleaning up the blood and she comes in and says, you're being the same old you with your black and white absolutes, starts throwing the rest of her things in the bags I already packed early in the day. I start begging her to stop, telling her that I'm still listening, not really knowing what I did to drive her off. She left. Then she texts me a copy of a note that I sent her 6 months ago when I was on a business trip about how much I loved, admired and relied on her. That was it.

So. This all points to one thing in my mind. She keeps telling me this is about marriage being dead. That's the reason for the affair. This is about her inability to face the guilt for what she's doing. Seeing me broken and literally bleeding sent her over the edge. I didn’t mean to bleed for goodness sake. Shouldn’t have been drinking so much. Oh well.

I woke up with a strange clarity this morning. I'm going to begin Plan B, with some very serious reservations that this can be fixed. Plan B will let me move on at least.

She called and apologized profusely and said she wants to be here.

I feel drained, yet glad, I guess. I think I just need to reiterate my boundaries and she can either live within them, or move on.

Happy birthday to me.

WOW. Great proof you never do anything when you have been drinking...

Today is your birthday? Happy Birthday!

So I'm confused. She said she wants to come back but you want to do Plan B? Because she left? Please explain your thinking.

ETA: Oops, never mind, now I get it.

BTW, the thing about her wanting you to 'try it' too - that's about her guilt, her wanting you to not be able to hold it over her head for forever. Not about friendships, etc. - about self-preservation.

I'm reading a really good book that I think may help in y'all's sitch. It's called Healing the Shame That Binds You. It makes a lot of things make so much more sense, like the stuff above.

Tomorrow is my birthday, but celebrating today. WW said she wants to be there (at birthday party) with me this morning, despite this craziness. This is a pretty big step because everybody knows the situation. Nobody has been too harsh on her... well except one of her best friends who blew the whistle on her.

She emailed and said her 'sleep with someone else so we're even' idea was terrible.

I just have this sinking feeling that she's so damaged and screwed up that we can't get past this. Still, I think if she can confront this stuff now, it means she's actually worked through something in her life instead of running away per usual.

So daunting. And yes, drinking while delving into those kinda deep waters... maybe not such a good idea.