This might be a little different but I am trying to get some advice. My husband lied to me about an OW he was texting/talking to that he knew I did not like. I found out, big blow up, they quit 12/1/08). Then she called him on his work phone. I found that out too. He changed work phones (12/19/08) but her best friend, our neighbor, forwarded him a text from OW saying how she was glad she got to know him, etc., so he decided to call her with *69. It did not work and she got his new work number. I found out. Big blow up again. Requested no contact. Stopped for a few days, then we were at an event they were at, I was social, they thought it was ok, and contact started again. I found out 12/29, big blow up again. On 1/7/09 he ended his work phone and changed his personal cell number. Told neighbor wanted nothing to do with OW anymore.

During this time I did a lot of things I should not have. I've always been one to do the right thing because it was the right thing to do. The worst thing I did was get ahold of phone records that were not mine to get ahold of, so that I could see if they were talking. It became so frequent, the anxiety and guilt really got to me.

I also googled her alot, etc. I recently saw she purchased 2 phones on ebay. I had told my husband I was concerned she would purchase him a phone and get it to him somehow. He told me I was nuts (they did not have an EA on his part or any PA). Then the other day, my neighbor supposedly told my DH that she got a new phone and was getting blocked calls and wanted to know if it was me. I had no idea of this and told him so. He even checked my phones. He told me the first 3 digits were 208. So the next day I told him that if he concocted this whole story just to cover his butt, that he had this phone and was worried I would get ahold of the OW phone records again, then he was shooting himself in the foot, as I would see this new number, as well as our neighbors old number, and know he was lying. He agreed.

Anyway, a show I was watching the other day reminded me what character is and I realized I had lost mine and didn't like myself much anymore. Character is the sum and total of a person's choices. I choice to walk the dark path and its been killing me. I finally told a Christian friend the whole story and she told me to read Proverbs and get right with God, so that is what I have been doing.

I've seen my husband cry and tell me he wants me to love him again, that he would not do anything to jeopardize us and losing his new son (his one any only). He was in my office today and looked around and saw all the pictures removed of him. He got very upset and said to me "you are erasing me". Do you have divorce papers too? I felt bad but I didn't feel anything.

He swears nothing is going on, that it all started with friends and trying to get three couples together. He told me yesterday that one thing that made him run away from anything to do with OW, is that neighbor told him that OW thinks she is in love with him. She said that OW is in such a bad marriage and is needy and reaching out to any man, but she has no right to do this since he is married.

I don't know how to move on. Has anyone out there been thru this? Where you realized spying on the other person was worse for you and that you just had to wait it out and see what happens? That the choice to be a better person than those involved just about kills you every day because you WANT to know but don't want to do anything illegal to find out? He seems sincere. My counselor says I am afraid of deception. If I continue to be afraid he is talking to this woman on a secret phone, I can't move forward. But it is hard to try. He has told me he will do whatever it takes including we can talk to our neighbor and see if she really has this new phone. Part of me says ok, but is embarassed about it, especially since it will all get back to OW. Is it worth it? Any advice?

Dr. Phil says to never leave a marriage if you still get emotional about it. When you reach a point where you can discuss things without emotion, then you are ready to make the decision to leave. I am almost there but the WHAT IF game is still being played, especially the WHAT IF HE ISN'T DOING ANYTHING!

Please help.

I think you should dump your counselor. Your husband has proved to be untrustworthy, and so you can't trust him.

There is nothing un-Christian about defending your marriage and family from an attack. And to have a good defense, you need to know all about the threat.

Yet he called up OW. :RollieEyes: Wayards lie. They will swear on a stack of bibles, their children's heads, their mother's grave...all the while lying their behind off. Tears mean nothing.


Women don't just say they love some man out of the blue. Yes she could be a crack pot, but trust your instincts.


:crosseyedcrazy: :twobyfour: :crosseyedcrazy:

Dump this counselor. You need the truth.

I agree, but I don't think obtaining phone records illegally or hacking an account is what anyone should be doing, do you?

Should I go to my neighbor and just ask her if she really has this new phone number and not care if the OW finds out and thinks I am insecure? Do I have a right to know, no matter what anyone thinks?

RUN from this counselor. We had one tell my husband that he should leave me if I wouldn't trust him, and we were there because of his lying!

You have to be real careful about where you get your advice.

What should I do? I refuse to do something illegal again by hacking an account. I dont' want to go to jail just to get the truth, but do I have the right because of all of this to confront my neighbor about this supposed phone? Do it in front of my husband and should I really care if they think I am off my rocker?

Have you exposed to OWH?

"The worst thing I did was get ahold of phone records that were not mine to get ahold of, so that I could see if they were talking. It became so frequent, the anxiety and guilt really got to me."

How was it illegal? If it is your husband's phone, you have a right to know.

Supposedly he knows some of it, but not all.

Nevermind.