H had EA 2005/06. It's been tough getting past it. I guess we've done everything *mostly* right but not as right as I'd like. No full transparency. He still bristles when he thinks I'm looking at his email over his shoulder. I do spot check but have never found anything. Cell phone logs come to me and nothing there either. Took him a week to write NC email and said he didn't want me to read it but I did anyway and didn't tell him (I should have). It was wishy-washy, IMO. Yes, it said it was over and it was wrong and he hurt me, etc., but it also told her he thought she was beautiful inside and out--etc. etc. barf.

Exposure was pretty full. He still is angry I exposed him to his family and friends. Blames me for alienating them.

We did talk about the A a *lot* at first. Then eventually, as these things do, the subject was discussed less and less. But here I am still not over it. And things between us recently have gone from bad to worse and I wouldn't be surprised if he'd tried to contact her again (or accepted contact from her).

So today, I bring it up in the context of some other things that I was trying to be O&H about, and he says "you are never going to let me forget that--for the rest of my life you're going to throw it in my face".

I think I know what he's doing. The best defense is a good offense, right?

But how do I answer him when he doesn't want to discuss it and still thinks it's wrong that I exposed and to bring it up again?

Tell him he broke the unconditional trust. Like a glass vase that was broken it can be glued back together, but it will never be the same.

His past has caused you the need to verify that he is not back sliding again.

Tell him that those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing

I think if I were in your shoes I'd temporarily drop the references to the affair and focus on the marriage in the here and now.

Tell him that it is important to you that the two of you develop the tools for a happy, successful marriage -- one in which you can feel safe and he can feel free from persecution. See if he'll attend a MB weekend. See if he will buy into POJA and Openness & Honesty.

After you accomplish the above, then re-visit the affair, the NC letter, and be completely open and honest with him that you know the NC letter was wishy-washy and that it hurt you. Cover the things that are still bothering you about the affair, and if he bristles explain to him that the longer he withholds information from you, the longer it will take for you to be able to leave it in the past. Explain to him gently and lovingly that you need these things to heal and move on.

He's not acting truly remorseful. He's acting like he has something to hide. Is he still involved in the affair, do you think? It could just be guilt because he is still hiding deep secret painful truths from you. Either way, you need to excise the dishonesty.

What has yet to be discussed that you still believe is important? Did you stop discussing it because you ran out of things to ask or because it became progressively uncomfortable? There comes a time when no more information will ever be truly useful.

If you still need to discuss issues to find closure, that is helpful. OTOH if you want to discuss it to get the ultimate answer to the ultimate question of "why the $@#& did you do this to me?", then discussion is not helpful because that is a question that cannot be answered or, IOW, there is no answer that will make you feel better.

Him not liking that fact that you are checking up on him is a caution and a boundary that is unacceptable. He is either not yet over the A or is totally remorseful internally and wants to forget it.

I will say from experience that you do need to change the status quo. If you simply continue on like you are, chances of recovery are not good.

You are afraid to commit because (and rightly so) you have been betrayed. WH is not willing to commit either for reasons only he can explain. Sooner or later you will both have to take that chance and move toward the center. If not, the gap between you will continue to grow.

Harley says that the BS who continues to bring up old affairs with the WS is commiting marital abuse. That the WS, in that situation, should confront the BS.

He also says he hasn't yet got a good technique for dealing with resentment.

A WS who is not remorseful and who refuses to help the BS heal is the one being abusive.

Hmm, I read this and thought of Mike_C.

Let me fast forward a little bit. Most of us take our marriage vows expecting fidelity. Not many of us (except for rich people with prenups) plan for infidelity. Going into the M, most of us believe that we would end the marriage if an affair were to happen. But by virtue of the fact that you are here, you are facing a moral dichotomy. You are betraying your own prior held beliefs - you are betraying yourself in a sense. The worst part is that you may not even understand why you are doing it. Love? Maybe. Hopefully even.

Sooner or later you are going to have to look within yourself. Pretend for the moment that you are years in the future and the marriage is happy and successful. The question is whether you can feel good about yourself for having reached this point or if you will feel diminished as a human being for having compromised beliefs.

We all want to understand why the A happened so we can quantify it, categorize it and file it away knowing that it is in the past. I don't think most WS's give us that luxury because they either can't or won't give us the only answer we think we need to hear. So I just try to put it on simpler terms in my own mind. The question I ask myself is whether I am happier being with my wife than I think I would be without her. If it becomes the latter, it's time to leave.

In my mind I think I am a better person now than I was prior to the A. I don't think I am better than FWW. I just think I am stronger, wiser, a better husband and father than I used to be. How FWW feels about herself is her issue but I don't try to do anything to hurt her self-image. Instead I try to help her improve her self-image. I do that by trying to meet her ENs as I understand them.

So what is going on with you at this point in the process?

Pio,

It's good to see that you still got it. Really good, spot on insight. For some reason I thought you were a female, though. (thought JL was, too, for that matter. LOL)