...to those who are going thru it, or prepping to go through it.




I'd like to dedicate this thread to giving CONCRETE advice and strategies to others contemplating or going thru Plan B.

Plan B is HARD and sucks rocks. It just does. I thank God everyday for those who helped me personally through those incredibly long, hard and painful day and nights.

If you have been through or are going through Plan B, please post your advice here. It's a long, hard road and newbies need to learn from the mistakes AS WELL AS victories of those before them.

My first piece of advice is to pray a LOT during PB.

I did and I know the comfort it gave me. God is good and he IS there in your darkest hours. And there are plenty of them in PB.

After that comes the logistics.

Number one would be to KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GETTING INTO.

Plan B is an absolute DISASTER if you go into it half-*assedly (is that a word????).

The most important details for ME to get nailed down were:

~realizing that it was NOT my responsibility or concern to figure out where WH was going to stay or HOW he was going to transport our kids (his car at the time was not big enough to hold them all...some dear friends around here reminded me that THIS WAS NOT MY PROBLEM).

~who my InterMediary (IM) was going to be.

~what the child visitation schedule was going to look like.

Next was explaining to my IM what their job entailed (and I had to change IMs at first...the initial one I chose was too personally involved and backed out after a day...I was eventually glad that she did because she was RIGHT...it was too personal for her).

Our second IM completely understood what an IM's job was and she was SUPERB (thank you, IM!! You know who you are and you are awesome!!!!):

And IMs job is:

~to act as a "spam" filter; they are to filter out any unnecessary info. That would mean anything PERSONAL, and would inclue only NON-personal info.

~to pass ONLY info that is crucial to the BS's finacialor child visitation/well-being circumstances. Most everything else is "fluff" and does not need to be passed on to the BS.

Once you have your IM figured out and have explained to them what their "job" is, then you are onto dealing with other issues in PB.

I have never been in Plan B, but please forgive my intrusion. It's just to point out something that I hadn't noticed on first reading and that came as a surprise when I re-read SAA recently.

That is, that Dr Harley actually suggests that the BW should move out of the marital home, with the children, and go to stay with family for support.

There must be a reason why he says this. He does not explain why he tells a wife to leave the home, but I think I have worked it out, seeing the problems that many wives here have had with carrying out Plan B from their homes.

When my H would not end his affair, I thought of separation and I felt that that if any one was going to move out of the home it would be my WH. He was the offender, the children needed to be in their home and near their schools and childminder, and they had not done anything wrong. I was not going to move to some scummy rented house leaving most of our possessions behind and pay an exorbitant rent, while my H lived in comfort in my nicely cared-for marital home, and would probably bring his ho there into the bargain.

But SAA tells a wife to move right away from the home and area, and there is a letter in the Q & A columns here in which he gives the same advice. (He does tell people to check their legal rights and responsibilities regarding moving children.)

Having seen the struggles that many here have had when they and the children stay in the home, and having seen how the poster who has moved the children abroad has avoided most of these problems, I think he might be suggesting that the wife's removal from the home will affect the husband more sharply. It will also help the wife make a complete mental break from her marriage - the main point of Plan B.

Of course, not everyone has supportive family whom they can live with; I didn't. Indeed, there are practical difficulties that might rule this action out for most, but I'm simply interested in what lies behind the advice. It is hard to make the clean break if the WH simply won't comply. If he has already moved out to stay with his ho (as with some here) things are easier, but if his conscience is clear (to paraphrase a WH being written about on another thread) he will make Plan B very difficult if the family stays in his home.

I'll go now as this thread is for active and former Plan Bers. My apologies for gatecrashing.

I am not ready for plan B yet but I would like to be prepared for it if/when that time comes.

The biggest obstacle I see would be child exchanges. I understand that i could have WW drop off our son at an IM's house, but what if she refuses and the visitation agreement specifically dictates where exchanges are to take place?

I am pretty sure that WW would never agree to drop off our son at an IM's house but you never know.

I have this picture in my head of what our exchanges would look like during plan B: I'd have a sack with eye holes placed over my head when I open the front door to our house and snatch my son in before she can say anything...

Seriously though, what are the options here?

Thanks,

E

SC, the BS and the children only move out as a last resort, when the WS won't move. It is best to impel the WS to move out, for obvious reasons. They need to suffer the loss of the home, etc. Nor is it fair that the BS lose their home to accommodate an affair. Now, IF that can't happen, then the BS will have to leave.

Note that in Sue and Gregg's case, the BH got the WW to move out without the children. Sue then went to court, got possession of the home and got her BH kicked out of his own home. It is very rare that happens anymore, though, because men are a) more aggressive in defending themselves and b) fathers rights are becoming more accepted in many places.

Why don't you start thinking about how you can get her to drop the boy off at an IM? For example, start getting her to do it beforehand and get her in the habit of doing it like that. You just have to be creative.

I had planned for our kids to walk down to a neighbor's house 2 doors away so that H could pick them up there and I would not have to see him.

They were not our IM but I asked them anyway and they were very willing to help. We never needed to use that option because he was respectful of my PB and never came into the house, but it was a good back-up option.

Not sure how old your son is, but is this an option?

I'd have come up with a good reason for this that would also no jeopardize my chances for custody in the event of a trial.. But I will think of ways that I might be able to do this in the meantime.

I have been in Plan B since March 06. I have 2 children then aged S11 and D3 their bags were always packed and waiting outside the front door and Exh would knock then put the bags in the car and the children would go out to him. Due to an altercation with S11 while I was overseas Then S11 decided that he did not want to see his dad at all and since July 06 has not seen him. Daughter now six still goes every other weekend and the routine has been in place now for nearly 3 years.

It works for us because Exh can't face us and does not want to engage because of what he has done. Since separation in 2005 not once has he asked about his children, what they are doing how school is nothing at all. We have a D18 and she has not spoken to him since Dec 2005 so Plan B suits him.

I am very sorry to hear that your ex decided to do what he is doing and be so little involved in the lives of your children.

This is just out of pure curiosity, but when you say that you are still in plan B, do you mean that you are still trying to recover a marriage with WH? I have absolutely nothing against that, I was just curious since your signature says that you are divorced and he is remarried.

I'm not trying to recover my marriage it is dead and gone now, at the beginning I was but after everything EXH has done there is nothing left. I still love the man that I first married but do not love the man that he has become. Plan B is to protect the BS from things that the WS do.

As Dr Harley says "
plan B, success is by no means guaranteed. The problem with Plan B is that the unfaithful spouse may not return, nor agree to the plan for recovery, even after the affair has ended. Separation in marriage is always risky because, "out of sight, out of mind." Unless plan A leaves the wayward s pouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder.

But, as I mentioned earlier, the risks of separation are great. It should be used only as a last resort to help resolve a fatal flaw in marriage. Once separated, couples often never do reconcile, remaining separated for life, or they eventually divorce. A fact unknown to many is that fifteen to twenty percent of all married couples end their lives permanently separated. These, who are not included in divorce statistics, usually feel that they should not legally divorce for religious reasons. But for most practical purposes, they are as divorced as those legally divorced. Their separation did not create the opportunity for reconciliation, but rather, created an even higher barrier between spouses."

I knew there was a risk that he would not come back and that also is what Plan B prepares you for being able to have a productive life without Exh.

The only thing that really gets to me is how can a father who says he loves his children completely ignore 2 of your children and only have contact with one.

Next piece of advice would be to really begin to start thinking CREATIVELY about ways to avoid contact with WS.

At baseball games, etc. I sat in the stands far away from him, with friends or family so that no C would be attempted. I made no eye contact and left immediately after the game.

Be on guard that C may try to be initiated.

On your "days off" from child visitation, do your best to keep busy and have fun.

I did a LOT of home re-decorating during this time. I did things that normally would have been left to FWH and it was a good self-confidence booster that I was able to do these things.

I went out with my friends as often as I could. I did whatever it took to keep busy and not think too much about where my life was.

I exercised a lot. I got out of the house when the kids weren't home. I hung out with supportive friends and family.

MF, I think that this thread is a great idea! I'm so glad you started it!

PUD,

I honestly believe that people will reap the fruits of what they have sown.

It may not be much consolation when there's so much pain to recover from. But just based on one thing in your signature line...


I sense a colision with the karma bus for your ex. Re-married one month after the divorce? Hello??? He's just asking for a disaster. For every 4 years you are married you should allow 1 year for healing before you start any new relationship. That's not going to last.

I saw a very interesting statistic yesterday...

75% of second marriages end in Divorce.

87% of third marriages end in Divorce.

93% of fourth marriages end in Divorce.

He's on a colision course.

The unfortunate thing is that because of the choices he's made the kids may end up not having anything to do with him.

bump ^^

Another key point to Plan B:

Do NOT try to half-*ss this. Do not go into this thinking "I'll tell him/her that we will have NC, and since I haven't put enough enerty into finding an IM, then I'll explain that they are only to contact me if there's an emergency."

Ain't gonna happen. All you are going to do is p*ss them off, and now you have a p*ssed off WS who's going to do everything in their power to C you for any excuse.

You will never detach.

They will never "miss" you.

You've just stated a boundary that you don't plan on enforcing and you are setting a BAD example of what your recovery might look like.

Plan B is the perfect time to begin practicing your BOUNDARIES.

So state your boundary of NC with WS and MEAN IT.