Sorry, Jayne, thanks for letting me know. I didn't read this until after I posted again. Yes, it's a trigger for me. I thought this was how to be supportive, to trust that you will know what to do in your situation, while bringing up concerns that I see, too. You may have already discussed these possibilities with your H, but I didn't know, so I thought I should ask. I'll step back, though, since it's making you feel hurt, and that's not helpful.

Jayne, I'm sorry! Come back!

I'm back. I wasn't gone, just working and AFK.

Thanks for the chance to practice being H&O about how I was feeling, in a reasonable way. Often I either don't say anything cus I don't wanna be mean, or I end up saying it in a mean way. I was afraid of hurting your feelings, I hope I didn't.

You do bring up some good points. With the cats, we simply take them with us when we travel as a family. They've crossed the border several times, from when they were just old enough to have had their first shots. It's even easier to travel with a dog, cus they don't mind leashes and they go outside, not in a litter box. It's hard to carry a scared cat with sharp claws when you reach the hotel. But it's perfectly natural to walk around in public with a dog.

My neighbors where I lived before would also take care of them if we were flying somewhere and couldn't take them. Here we'd have to make arrangements for the cats anyway, if that came up.

In a way I think having a dog will *help* with the kids: get them out of the house, burn off some of their energy, keep them entertained and not killing each other. And take some of the pressure off the cats, who now tolerate quite a bit.

Sounds like our cat, except it is Flick who has made it that way

Have you ever played cat bagpipes???

Hmmm, cat bagpipes... nope can't say as I have. But please don't mention it to DS7a&b, and give them any ideas!

Yesterday they were having the cats chase some yarn around and around and doing somersaults, and then hugging them and loving on them... cats were pretty tolerant, but it sure would be nice to have something a bit less... breakable... a bit more capable of fighting back, IYKWIM!!! ROFL Yeppers these kids definitely need something that can defend itself. And go outside with them, without being cougar snacks. They were driving me nuts yesterday.

Couple points of clarification:

#1. I meant to ask, what praytell are cat bagpipes?

#2. When I say 7a&b were hugging and loving on the cats, I don't necessarily mean in a gentle way. Well as gentle as a DS7 might be, which isn't too bad, but I'm sure the cats get tired of the kinda hugs a 7 year old boy who really needs to go chase something outside might give.

Now. I had a major scare today. I have this nasty habit of taking off my rings- if water or anything gets underneath them, I can't stand it, etc. So today in church my hands were dry and itchy so I took off my rings and put some lotion on... put the lotion back in my purse... guess what I forgot to do???

After church DS7b was showing me his rock collection. Bless his sweet little heart, he said he'd really like a diamond, and I said that I have a diamond, and... ok, it's not on my hand, no worries, I'm sure it's by the sink since I always take them off to dry my hands... NOOOOOOO!!!!!!! OMG NOW I REMEMBER!!!!!!! OOOOOHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! And I'm thinking, my mom is gonna kill me..... which may seem weird but you see, the rings are the rings my dad gave her. They are way more expensive than anything we could've afforded at the time... plus H wasn't concerned about buying me a ring, although he meticulously picked out *his* ring... and, since my dad is dead, those rings are absolutely irreplaceable...


AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!

So I'm panicking, DS7b is helping me look but I know it's pointless cus I distinctly remember taking them off in church, and not putting them back on. I call the church but everyone's left... I'm asking H to help, I woulda liked for him to be looking up the church's phone number or something while I was checking all the sinks in the house, or at least get up and give me a hug or something. He won't even stop typing on the computer, won't even look up. I ask him to help and he says there's nothing to be done. GGGRRRRRRR!!!!

I said, "I told you we shoulda given our tithe today!" and he said, "It sounds like you just did."

I go online to find the names of the pastors etc (we're new here remember) and start looking up home phones. I finally reach someone and... praise God.... they found them!!!!!!!!!

So I can pick them up tomorrow morning.

So then H said he was glad they were found. I replied that it really hurt me that he didn't do anything to help or even get up.

I am glad you found your rings, I am sorry H didnt act like he gave a hoot. I did laugh a little teensy bit at the tithe comment (sorry)

Ok cat bagpipes...

Place cat between underarm and waist. Best to have cat in downwards pointing direction.
Slowly bring elbow towards waist in bagpipe squeezing motion.
Cat will "rowwwwllllll" in slighty increasing volume.
release arm.
Repeat.

When you let the cat go, make sure you make some distance between you and said cat, or loose a little blood via the ankles.

Very funny, but cat will bnot appreiciate it.

I know lots of ways to 'torture' cats

*no cat is actually hurt during this , only recommended for adults.*

ROFL!!!

Was it on MB that I saw the directions for cleaning your toilet and bathing your cat?
Was that you???



......
Miss dem lil blue dudes. Getting tired of the lil yeller dudes. It's almost March Madness, prolly time to switch back to the lil Duke Blue dude and lil Tarhole dude arguing. (almost said "duking it out.")

Actually I thought it was you that posted it on the joke thread.......

Jayners, Jayners...

about the rings event...

Would you consider you admired, fell in love and married your H because he DIDN'T react the same as you do?

In parts, this is true for all of us...

when something hits your deep fear button and a panicked feeling takes you over...ohohohohhoh...a steady, unflappable response from your spouse can say, "You know what? I've seen you face much bigger than this is right now."

Okay, sans the words.

However, his humorous attempt repair matched yours...and BOTH of you are funny. Funny is a stress breaker...it can be an unspoken "we're in this together, me in my role, you in yours; we're in balance"...

and maybe you want that to change. Don't expect, state..."I need you to panic with me right now. C'mon, it'll be fun. Try it."

"I want you to break into the church with me right now. Kids, get your coats."

Then look in his eyes and hold his hands and say, "I need you right now, this minute."

No assumptions, hidden tests, wanting and not asking...and definitely not wanting him THIS time only to flip over and do the panic dance with you.

However...you took care of it yourself...all the way through, didn't you? Did he get off the computer so you could look up the home phone numbers? Or do you have two computers?

Did you judge yourself as over-reacting? Did you judge him as under-reacting? Did you call yourself names in your head at all? Did you sit paralyzed? Did it look like he sat there paralyzed? Did you want to sit still and make it so it didn't happen at all?

You write so well I felt it in me...and times when I have faced a loss that great to me, too...you're not alone. Seems like I got to watch myself do, think, feel and perceive just like you did for those moments...

bless your heart.

And your most beautiful, stunning, incomparable soul.

LA

Hmmmmm.... where you goin with this....



yes. Of course sans the words. This is *my* DH we're talking about.


Thanks! Yep I think he uses humor as a stress breaker a lot. Sometimes it works with me, sometimes I'm not in the mood. But I agree, it's a nice tool, and I love the way you put it, "We're in this together!"


That woulda been AWESOME!!!!!!! LOL


Yep. I should take my own advice to cat and SW, and actually *tell* DH the reaction I wanted. LOL It's really ironic. What I was thinking was, "Get off your butt and get over here and give me a hug you dummy! And then run around flapping your hands like me and help me find the phone book!"

Did I communicate that? Um...... no.

Funny that I was telling cat to tell her H that she wanted a hug.

We have 3, 4 if you count the mostly inoperable one. So no he didn't get off the computer.


No I didn't think I was over-reacting, although he prolly thought that! LOL Yes I DJed thinking he under-reacted. No I didn't call myself names... I had some for him though... No I didn't sit paralyzed. I was literally running from one room to the next, I couldn't stand still enough to find the phone book. I was running around flapping my arms and squawking like a chicken with its head cut off. And encouraging DS to flap with me. Sending him to one bathroom while I went to another, to look. Even though I knew it wouldn't be there.

What, flapping wasn't productive? LOL

Yes DH had a point, there wasn't much to do if the church was closed, except wait for Monday... except I didn't want to wait that long. So there was *something* that coulda been done. I would've liked for him to participate in the struggle to figure out what to do; to get the phone book for me; or to go online and get the names of folks for me.

And to hug me. Maybe. If he coulda caught me, as I flapped past.


Awwwwww..... *sniff* Thanks!!!!

I got them back now. The secretary said she had taken them home with her and had worn them to make sure they didn't get lost, she didn't even want to leave them in the office overnight. She said they would have to glue them to my finger. LOL

Ok, yes, one of the things that makes DH good for me is his unflappable nature.

(HAH! Betcha never thought you'd see that word used literally!)

Jayne I had to laugh about the running around flapping thing. My dh says that when I get mad I stand still with my arms rigid at my side like a penguin and then flap around. He thinks it's funny as long as I don't start yelling at him too much.

[T/J]

Jayne and Cat (and anyone else I guess)

Would you please go to recovery and help Verve. She is having some trouble expressing her needs to her H, and telling him how much his IB is hurting their recovery. Thanks

Her thread is called "moving on and hopefully up"

[T/J]

'Kay, thanks for the heads up.

*hugs*

lol Happy! Yep my DH thinks a lot of what I do is funny too, as long as I don't start yelling at him too much.


BTW: here's an interesting little factoid I just found whilst following a bizarre CNN news item:

I didn't think I cared that much about Valentine's Day. It usually falls in the middle of the week and I don't have time to even think about it other than getting all those Valentine's Day cards bought and written and candy inserted in time for the kids to take to school. I think there's only been one or two other Valentine's Day that H and I were even in the same state or country.

And yet, I find myself grumpy because the only thing H has suggested for tomorrow is that we take the kids to the bank to open accounts for them to put their birthday money into.

I've been practicing drive-by pouting H&O. The pouting is actually ok, a form he responds to with friendly kidding back. So I've told him that I'm grumpy because he hasn't planned anything for Valentine's Day.

Yes, I got him a box of chocolates. He prolly knows cus he prolly saw it in the bag on the counter. He likes chocolate more than I do. What I would have liked is if he had found a baby sitter, and then taken me to dinner and a movie or something.

How about just saying, "Hon, for Valentine's day, lets get a sitter and go to the movies", or whatever. Takes lots of pressure off the guy and he doesn't have to mind read.

I would think that all those times you spent valentines by your self you imagined that if you were together dh would have made a bigger effort. From his point of view, you never spend v-day together, so it must not be important. Unless you tell him in other ways he has no way of knowing.

I can't remember if you told me he is a programmer, but if so:

function valentine_day(jayne)
{
if h_status== in_US
{ children= atsitter;
activity = movies;
after_activity=fun;
}
else
activity=poker_night;
}

I love the function valentine_day!

You're right, I shouldn't expect him to mind read. I'm just tired of finding the sitter myself, and if I had brought it up, I think he woulda told me to get the sitter, based on past mistakes.

He even refused to find the sitter when we were in Canada where he lived, and I didn't know anyone except for people that he worked with and saw every day.

I had to find a sitter to pick them up Tuesday when I had a night class and he was out of town. I really wanted him to take the responsibility for Tuesday nights, and find backup solutions when he couldn't pick them up. I did come out and tell him that, and he wouldn't agree to it.

Wow, yes, all those times we weren't together, now here's a Valentine's Day that falls on the best night possible, a Saturday, and we're together. What a waste.

I guess if I had really wanted to do something I would've made the plans myself.

Jayne, you could take care of the kids by yourself for too weeks, but you don't want to find a sitter so you two can go out tonight? I don't know why I have a hard time understanding your lack of enthusiasm about that. You do hundreds of things a day harder than finding a sitter. That's the easy part, isn't it?

I could understand a lack of enthusiasm about something that you don't want to happen, but I thought you do want to go out with him tonight?

No, finding a babysitter is very hard. I've been asking two women who work in the lab down the hall from my office if their daughters want to do it. The daughters aren't quite old enough to do it by themselves so one of the moms comes as well. So I hate to impose. They have a lot of activities so a lot of times it takes several weeks to find an open date. I finally left it with asking them to let me know when they are available and I'm sure H and I would love to go out whenever they want to babysit.

I also cold-called a guy I never met just cus one of those moms said he and his wife have a kid about the same age as ours. The second time I called him they were busy, and I don't want to call them again.

I even asked a waitress in desperation if she knew anyone, and she gave me the name of her friend who runs a daycare. But that would be as a Tuesday night backup plan, not as a Saturday night babysitter.

It was hard enough finding an available babysitter in the town where I lived. I hated being the one who had to find the babysitter in the town where H lived, and I hate that I'm the only one trying to find a babysitter here.

The thing that I would have liked would have been the *gift* of *him* doing the work of finding the babysitter.