My husband and I are in recovery from his affair, but I can't get over the statement,"when did I ever last more than 20 minutes with you." He has apologize for the statement, but the statement is still true. I feel second best in the sex department. Does anyone understand? I realize I was not the n only sexual partner, but I want the sex to be even hotter than what he experienced with her. Anyone.....I am hurting.

The wife and I are starting a sex therapist this week. Its not that or sex life isn't great. But it can always be improved on. Some things you can try.

Tantric yoga (sex yoga) classes
Oral
toys
fisting with clitoral stimulation.
have sex in different places.
cultivate fantasizing about each other by sex talk over the phone to each other.


Having a good sex life is like anything else. You get out of it, what you put into it.

Are the kids still home with guys?

I don't think lasting longer is a sign of it being hotter. IMO the hottest sex is when you can hardly make it past thinking about it...

I could come up with all kinds of one-liners on this one:

The widest roads are for where there is usually the most traffic.

Traffic slows down most when the most cars are on the road.

The river runs slowest where it is the widest.

A bull rider only has to last 8 seconds to be a hero!

I do understand...

Most of sex is in the brain anyway. And I find that I last the longest when I'm thinking about something else. :RollieEyes:

The better the journey, the easier it is to reach your destination. And while for women it is the journey that matters most, for men it is all about the destination. Getting there is the method and not the goal.

Hopefully some ladies will be able to give you some more serious thoughts. I might not be the best source for this right now...

I'm not trying to make light of your problem, but I do think that lasting longer for a guy is not the sign of hotter sex.

Mark

It sounds like your husband is a little focused on himself. The biggest turn on for me is watching the mrs. The more turned on she gets the hotter I get. So I focus the first 20 to 30 min. on her. To me, It is not the length of time it takes me to get there. Its how far I can take the wife and how long I can keep her there. If I have been successful in that area, her thankfulness is always well worth the wait. You shouldn't look at yourself as second best. As a man I would be a harsher critic of your husband.

What we're going to the ST for is so my wife feels more comfortable initiating sex. That is a major turn on. Do you initiate often? Or do you wait for him to make advances?

beautyb

"when did I ever last more than 20 minutes with you"

This statement can be taken too many ways to give advice.

Did he last longer with the OW?

Did WH never put in enough time with you?

The answer is yes, he has never denied that he could last a half hour and she could orgasm with him. Since he doesn't last that long for me, I am not able to climax during intercourse, we found other ways for that.

This is just another assault on my person, that I am not enough. However, I believe that I am and more, not trying to be narcissitic but confident. As a wife, I would like to be the sex goddess in his life, the one where all sex fantasies are fulfilled, and this makes me feel,to put it simply...just crappy. This comparison is difficult to overcome.

Thanks for all the replies. I am tired and going to bed, sleep always helps.

Thank you all and God Bless.

I would have to say you are prettier, more skilled, or both. He can't last as long because you because you make him "boil over" faster than the OW can.

How about some activity that brings you almost to the point before you two do intercourse. People, not a machine.

Thanks for the compliment, who is to say who is prettier or more skilled, I can't answer that.

Also, can you clarify your last statement regarding "people are not machines. Thanks

Beauty,
Do you know your WH fantasy? If it's a safe one, play it out. SF does get better when both spouses are committed to recovery. This is my second year into R and SF has never been better for both of us. We became much more verbal about what we like and want.

GG

You cause him to boil over quicker, means you turn him on more, means he O's faster with you than OW.

Everyone presses the gas pedal a certain amount they all will get the same response. People are individuals and do not respond the same to everyone.

Thanks for the imput, I am so confused by this whole affair it does a number on my psyche.

Blessings to all and thank you.

BB

Beauty,
R is a process and you will go through different stages. How long ago was DD - how long have you been in R?

There is alot of power in guilt.

He was probably preoccupied with YOU while he was having sex with her. If he was feeling guilty about what he was doing at all, it would probably have the same effect or more so, of thinking about the roster of the Yankees or running prime numbers through your mind. heh...

I would agree though... if he is too quick, there are things which can be done. But I wouldn't look at that as a negative on YOUR end.

As far as YOU go and reaching climax, have him spend some time you your arousal prior to imbibing in his own. If you are closer at the beginning, and he pays attention to what works for you... he should be able to get you their first.

I want you to know from a man's point of view there are hurtful things that we say sometimes that just blurt out of our mouths. They might mean something right at that moment, but in the end they really mean nothing and we wish we would have never said them. Sometimes I dont realize how long my wife can remember something I said so long ago that meant so much to her, either hurtfully or in a good way. I never understood how she could hold onto that for so long, just get it out in the open even if he gets mad about it, and dont stop until you believe he is sorry for saying it and really didnt mean it. Trust me.

Best wishes

I think my wife is seriously HOT. And when I haven't had SF in a while I swear I could be done in like 30 seconds.

In fact that was the case a few months ago. Hadn't been intimate for a long while and it was over in a flash. Wife and I were laughing and she said, "geese, what are you like 16 or something...I should have brought a stop watch to this" We were both rolling on the floor laughing our tails off.

SF has been a little iffy since DDay. It's high on my ENs and the wife is on Anti-depressants, so her sex drive is slim to none.

In all seriousness, reaching orgasm quickly is a good thing from a guys standpoint...at least this guy.

Try reading the book "Passionate Sex" by Schnarch...I read it and it's good. We've never had a problem in the SF department (except for not enough, LOL), but this book was still helpful.

All BS's have issues with SF after d-day, it just comes with the territory. Different things work for different people...sometimes it opens the door to being able to talk about it more, (it did for us), which increases intimacy in this dept.

Another thing that is really important...once he has de-fogged, you may need to get some things cleared up.

I too had horrible thoughts and images floating around that this was some sort of really great sex...it wasn't. FWH described it to me as "very awkward and sterile". Doesn't sound great to me, I've had SF like that before and it was awful. I've repressed those memories because it was so GROSS.

[It helps too that someone else the OW had sex with emailed me after my big exposure and told me not to feel bad...sex with her wasn't that great. I think he was trying to make me feel better, and I think he felt very badly for me. It took a long time for that to make be feel better, however....it's funny how even the FACTS will not make the BS feel better sometimes. We insist on believing the lies we have told ourselves.]