It's not your fault. Keep the faith.

i've never experienced this much pain in my life. why would someone who once said they loved you be willing to hurt you so deeply. My soul is in agony, my sobs have no sound. I cannot function, but sleep eludes me. pain upon pain ... that's some kind of LB.

Where is OM now staying?

ironically, he's staying at their boss's house

We know your pain. Stay with us and keep posting. You have shown strength...more strength than I at times. Good for you!

Deep down inside she loves you. But the fog of the affair is clouding her. Either that or she has been replaced by an alien

Either way it's going to be rough waters for you for a while. Be strong! Be calm, work on you and your family. Keep exposing if you need to. End the affair. Bring light to the darkness. Show the affair for what it really is...crap!

GPS her car, keylog her computer, flexispy her phone if you can. Snoop your tail off and prove to her parents that the A is still going on. Enlist their support.

Be strong. You CAN do this! Others here have and you can too!

thanks for the support ... when you watch your wife of 12 years ... ww notwithstanding ... pack a suitcase and walk out the door it rips your heart out, as if the A and the lies hadn't already done so. Cup of coffee and I'll be on with the day ... if any of you are praying people, pray that I can make it through this and still have some love left when she returns.

GWN,
I am really proud of you and what you have done over the past week or so. I remember when I first posted to you, I wondered if you would have the strengh to make a plan of exposure and all.

But you did it and did it well. You have read the materials on this site, you have given feedback about the events of you life, you have listened carefully to Mel.

Stay calm, but do not be cautious about letting her know that you are not to blame for the events. She is the one who is commiting adultery. If she has no blame in this, if she has done no wrong, nothing to hurt anyone, then why should she be so upset that you have told others of her actions?

thanks Lake. I've been trying to stand strong and calm as long as she was here and we were progressing ... now that she packed her bag, I'm allowing myself to feel ...

I'll stay the course.
Thanks again for all of you encouragement along the way

so ... I'm on to my "now what?" questions.
WW will want to come and see the kids ... she didn't even say goodbye to them when she left for MIL's.

I'm about to go read up on plan B - not sure that that's where we are but, from what I recall, it seems like a natural shift ... she left - so I should stand firm that her return is contingent on NC and commitment to recovery - right?

does that mean that someone should mediate between us, that ww and I have no contact until she is ready to commit?

I'll go read, but I'd love to hear what you all have to say.

(sighs deeply - still can't believe this is happening, wonder when I'll wake up)

What you should be doing is filing for custody on charges of abandonment and give her a big dose of reality.

That's part of the stick.

She's handing you a gift by leaving you with the kids.

there is no "abandonment" clause in where I live.
though I will be getting my legal ducks in a row, that's for damn sure.

gwn, I suspect she will be back soon so just hang in there. You have inflicted a major blow to the affair and she is licking her wounds. The affair in untenable and has no future. She would practically have to give up her children and her family for a thoughtless, deceitful man. It has a 95% chance of crumbling, so the odds are in your favor. Relationships based on deceit and thoughtlessness have no future.

This is far from over, so don't despair.

Do you know who the OM's parents are? Have you tried to track them down? The reason I ask is because exposing to the OM's parents would shut off that path and make it very hard for your W to show her face there if they knew who she was. An appeal to his parents to persuade the OM to leave your W alone might be very effective.

The fact that the affairees are both without a home is a hinderance to the affair. They are both suffering because of their choices, which puts more pressure on the affair.

Most importantly, I would be stay in touch with your in-laws so they can make sure she isn't carrying on her affair from their home. What is their plan if they find she is? Because I assure you will try.

mel, I haven't tried to track down OM parents. Good thought though.

As for my MIL she will not tolerate WW seeing the POSOM as long as she's staying at their house.

I will be GPSing the car today so that I can keep tabs and inform the MIL if there is contact.

Perfect.

mel, lake,
can you help me with plan B ... she's gone, but she'll want contact with the kids - how does this work, should I make her schedule it with me, have someone mediate the exchange so that we don't communicate?

or am I jumping the gun on implementing B ... I could still operate in A ...

help me out, I'm not sure how the rules have changed now that she's left the house for a while.

Good about the GPS. Keep the line of communication open with POSOM's ex-fiancee. POSOM just moved out of her home and moved in with his employer. I am sure he has a lot invested with the ex-fiancee--stuff, clothes, stereo, etc. He will be back in touch with her and try to make up with her.

When you find out he has contacted his ex, you can tell your WW about it. Your WW thinks this POSOM is so caring about her and supportive of her. Yet he was still living with his ex-fiancee and lying to ex-fiancee about your WW. You will be able to further the rift between your WW and this POSOM. He is not in this for the long haul. I'll bet right now he is trying to figure out a way out of this mess with your WW.

He must not have much money if he was living with ex-fiancee in HER home. You said your WW does not make much money and POSOM and her are peers at the gym.

Hopefully, the employer will also get tired of the drama.

Mel will help you best with this question. But you are still in Plan A so you want to communicate with her in person. You are now the strong loving husband and father who is protecting his family. She needs to see that part of you for herself. That is a big part of your current Plan A. You are the strong one taking a sabbatical to take care of your family and to take care of yourself. She needs to see you in this light.

I do not think that she should be able to use any intermediary to talk to you about your children. She should have to approach you. You set up your boundaries about how you want her to see your children in order to protect your children.

But listen to Mel--she trumps me.

POSOM does not have much money ... trainers don't make a ton.
OMGF is the one with the big job who paid for the house and everything. I speak with her daily. His stuff is in garbage bags on the front porch ... according to her, he'll never see the inside of "her" house again.

WW and POSOM would have to live in squalor to make a go of it.

I bet that they make 50K together.

The employer takes 60% so he'll be tolerant for a while, gym owners are like pimps ... he'll want to keep OM around since he's a top producer ... WW on the other hand ... she's likely to take the fall.

gwn, Plan B is a long way off. If you shut the door right now in a dark Plan B you would be throwing her into the arms of the OM because she is detached from you. A good solid Plan A will give you a strategic advantage as the affair crumbles. As the affair crumbles - and it will - you will be a soft place to land.

For now, your best strategy is to focus on the best Plan A. And that means no lovebusting while at the same time, standing firmly against the affair and refusing to cooperate with any separation schemes she offers.

She is probably scheming right now to see how she can keep her affair and you. That might mean getting money from you and an agreement to be "friends." You don't want to do either. The offer to be "friends" will mean: "please cooperate while I destroy you." Be wary of FOOLS GOLD deals that she comes up with now in a last gasp effort to keep her affair and keep you meeting her needs.

more later..