hey Pariah, he ended his damn affair 2 weeks ago after screwing her over for 16 months. She is not raping him, he RAPED HER and she is defending herself. In fact, i wouldn't be surprised if he suddenly decided to end his affair AFTER she slapped him with a suit.

remorseful? give me a break. Maybe sorry he lost his good set up. But very entitled, angry and still in the wayward mind set of defending adultery. In fact, he attacked board BS's as "bitter" "haters" for objecting to a sickening, obscene poem romanticizing adultery. here

ugottatri, you getting this?

Not even the most seasoned vets here are going to throw you a rope, you already hanged yourself and you can use that one to get yourself out of this mess.

You seem sincere, though I am sure we have not heard the whole story, and that you are almost certainly controlling/shaping the narrative of your story. Still, you seem sincere.
You're right, you have not heard the whole story. It covers 16 months of me doing nothing more than putting her through hell. Time and time again...She says like 8-10 telling her I was done with OW and then going back. Being on the phone telling her that I did leave her for OW and yes OW was getting mad because I was talking to her and she had the right to be mad. Telling her I tried to do the right thing, but I loved the OW just to much and had a chance to make it right and wasn't gonna mess it up again. Those three are the ones my wife brings up most often, but there were others...plenty of them. I'm telling you because I want people to know exactly what I did....I want to wear this and feel the pain, I told my wife yesterday that I deserve it and want to feel the pain even though I know it pales in comparision. I literally can't eat...she says I know. I can hardly get out of bed.....She says I know. There is no emotion I'm expeeriencing that she didn't but a 1000 times worse because she didn't ask for it and was just trying to love and support me the whole time as I was doing this to her....Shame isn't even a word for what I feel....I can't find one.



1. Write the letter of NC - Not for her - not because she cares if you do, or because it might help get her back. Do it because it is the right thing to do. Read the samples from MB and write a strong NC letter for YOU. Mail it yourself to be sure it gets to her -- SLAM that door shut! Not for your wife -- for YOU. Send another to your wife if you need to, so that she can mail it out herself if she cares to, but send one yourself no matter what. So what if the witch gets the letter twice!
I will do this and mail it tomorrow...I will also give my wife a second one and tell her that I have already mailed one, but she can mail hers also if she wants her to get it twice.

2. You need to read Surviving an Affair -- read it for yourself -- not to get your wife back, but for yourself. Prepare yourself to live "by the book." Be a better man, be a better father, and lay the groundwork to be a better companion --for YOURSELF -- not to get your wife back.
I will buy a copy before I get off the site today. I already looked for it at Barnes & Noble, but they didn't have it.
3. Stop trying to get your wife back. That seems wrong, I'm sure, but stop. Talk is cheap, and I wouldn't believe you either. If you have ANY chance with your wife it will be through your ACTIONS OVER TIME -- A LOT OF TIME ... 16 months of cheating, and God knows how much longer of being an a$$ of a husband will not be corrected by 3 hours of conversation, one appt. with Ms. Harley, and two weeks of posts to this website.
I was a terrible husband...PERIOD!!!!!! Not just with the affair, but just in general. Very detached, but always wanted her there to make me feel good when I wanted attention. I then would stare at the television and not really pay attention to her as she was asking me for the same. It was terrible, I have really been searching for the reason and have discovered some pretty disturbing things about my behavior and they do fit into some of the things that happened to me as a child. I was not physically abused, but the mental effects of basically raising myself with an absentee single (at times married--4 different times)have created some pretty signifigant issues relating to to how I treated my wife prior to the affair. DO NO THINK for a minute that I am making ONE excuse for the affair itself. I knew it was wrong and I ultimately made the decision to do all of this. I just wanted you to know I am actively trying to fix and improve myself.
4. Be a better man -- work on you -- don't send the stupid letter about not contacting her -- get over the grand gestures -- if you have any chance, it will take time ... a lot of time ... with a committed and sustained effort to be the man she has always deserved. Maintain civil contact with the mother of your children, stay positive and caring even if she returns NONE of it, and gives you NO hope. This is not her fault -- you deserve NOTHING from her -- if she is able to politely converse and show care for you, you are a fortunate man.
I have said it before and I told my wife again this morning. I betrayed and abandoned you once....Regardless of what is or what will be, I won't do it again....And I meant every word. Contact is not only civil it's pleasent and would be even better if I wasn't trying to fix it....That is the only time she gets frustrated and feels guilty she says that she isn't willing to try and fix our relationship. My problem is that when I see her, I do ok for a little bit then something is said or done and I think about the pain I put her through and break down and cry. It happens every time I'm with her....I tell her I'm not doing it for sympathy because I'm not, but the thoughts of what I did are unbearable when I think about what I put her through and made her get through it 100% alone. I'm not sure if you have read all my posts, but I don't think I have ever felt like as big of a piece of sh**t as I did the night I broke down and she sat between my legs and we held each other for 10 minutes. I left that night and thought about all of the times she begged me to come to her and make her feel better and I didn't and then 2 weeks after I have a grand epiphany, she takes me in her arms and comforts me.....What kind of person am I??? It's unbelievable!!!!!
5. Ask her to visit this site, but not to help her get back to you ... for HER own sake. This is a board filled with betrayed spouses -- some have saved their marriages -- others have not. She is a betrayed spouse and will gain insight and strength here. Allow her to work on herself and become stronger for HER sake, not yours.
She has spent this whole time trying to survive this ordeal I have put her through and trying work on herself and finally came to a place that allowed her full acceptance after the last time I lied to her about talking to the OW. It was the straw that broke the camels back as we keep calling it. I can hear it in her voice, she is in a good place and is much happier without me in it...It's sad, but true. I can literally hear it when she says it to me and I have no one to blame but myself. She has said it to me, she would have worked through ANYTHING with me intially but enough was enough. She also said she had to work on herself and make herself better simply because I didn't give her any choice. I showed her time and time again that I didn't want us to heal together, so she had to heal by herself and when you do that, you realize you don't need that other person to be happy like you thought you did. I actually like it when someone calls me out like this because then I have to respond and it further helps me realize the true reasons behind this whole situation and that I didn't give her any choice and she probably is better off without me at this point and time. Pretty crappy reality check, but it is what it is. Still doesn't change the fact that I love her more than anything on this planet and won't stray from her again even if we are not together.

6. Leave the door open to your wife and NOBODY else. If things come to pass and you find yourself divorced, there will be plenty of time for you to find other women. Take this time -- ALL OF IT -- between now and either getting divorced (or reconciling) to live YOUR life better. You do not deserve her -- maybe you will someday, but you don't now! This board is filled with couples who have reconciled, and even couples who divorce will frequently remarry. Don't give up hope ... but STOP trying to WIN her back. Work on YOU. Be a better man first, and maybe --just maybe-- over time -- a lot of time -- she will notice that you have really changed. Your ACTIONS -- not your words!!!
Like I said above.....At this point in time, yes she is better off without me and you're also right in saying I don't deserve her....She has said it many times to me in the last couple of weeks and I agreed, but hearing someone else say it that isn't involved...Especially being the fact that you're saying it as the spouse who betrayed was quite an eye opener and made me realize that I'm still not fully aware of the extent of damage and hurt I caused and it's pretty amazing that I could even ask her to accept some of my actions and move forward just because I told her I wanted to. I honestly can not even think of being anywhere near another women other than my wife....I made a commitment to her and didn't honor it and I love her!!! I simply won't ever do it again...I am faithful to my wife and until she moves on and finds someone else, I will not betray her again....It's not just because I'm afraid and in remorse for all of this...I have never finished anything to the best of my ability ever in my life and even if I never do enough for her to forgive me (and I wouldn't blame her one bit if she can't)I just want her to know that I did become a better man and did change.

Thank you for your honesty.....If it's ok to ask, how long did you affair last? Did you live away from home? How long have you been in recovery?

MF,

Are you living with your husband?

He has no marriage skills. None what-so-ever.
If he wants to make any progress, he damn well better get on the stick and call the real pros at MB and acquire some skills.

All I can say is give it time... the way you are thinking, you will be feeling fine very soon. The fog is already rolling back in. As soon as you say "When do I throw in the towel?"... you are well on your way to numbing the pain you are feeling at the present.

I just started reading through the original thread.

I'll get the torches and pitchforks.

ok, color me confused. On your other thread, you said:

"I had an appt. w/Jennifer Harley, but cancelled after my wife made it very clear she wanted no part of talking to anyone about fixing our marriage. " here

Which is it?

Which "truth" looks best?

Somewhere there's a lie.

Or perhaps alot of lies here.

You don't practise radical honesty to see if your W is still 'trying to believe you'. You do it because it is the right thing.
You do all the points because it is the right thing to do.
A piece of advice often given to the BS's....

NO EXPECTATIONS.

I am going to direct this to everybody....I don't no where to start...First and foremost, I want to apologize to ML, I have learned alot since the night we had our misunderstanding and for that I apologize. My wife has been here and read my initial post and I have learned even more since then.

I by no means am looking for a rope....I already had one and chose to hang myself rather than use it to climb to safety. I am not in denial or defending what I have done...It was like I have said, the most horrible thing a man could possibly do to someone he promised to protect, honor and cherish.

I am not giving up by any means....Whe I said throw inthe towel, I simply meant trying to convince her and give up with the way I was doing it....I am accepting more and more everyday that the damage I have done is so severe that I can't and don't blame her for protecting herself...

I am not asking or looking for sympathy whatsoever, I am simply asking for help and opinions....I know ultimately I am the only one that can atone for what I have done and I don't expect it to be fixed because all of the sudden I want it to be....That is not the case....I don't want the marriage I made my wife endure either.....

So everyone can continue to say whatever they like, I'm not mad and anything you say helps me to further understand what I put my wife through. I didn't cancel my appt. because I did not want to talk with her, I did so because I had made a committment to my daughter and my wife as well as our other two children were there also....They are getting back to me on Monday with Jennifers schedule for next week.

UGT:

This is why I asked you to stop lying in my FIRST post to you:


You can't even keep it straight HERE. How do you think your words sound to your BS?

Listen, calling the Harleys was an excellent first step. Even if you get divorced, they can help you with a process to maybe avoid that.

But you couldn't even make that committment longer than three days.

Listen, I was alot worse than you. My A lasted over 4.5 years. But on Dday, I committed to myself and my BS that I would be HONEST from that point forward. If I wanted to recover this M I was trashing, then it was UP TO ME TO BE HONEST.

Me and BS did the MB Weekend. I set it all up. Made all the arrangements. It was scheduled the weekend of something I WAS IN CHARGE OF, that affected well over 150 people. I made arrangments to cover that. I did it all.

This was the committment to fixing my M that my BW SAW. Actions that meant everything to her. It made recovery of my M possible.

You can't even make a one hour committment. And then you blame it on your daughter, or your BS, whatever it takes to sound good.

Yes. STOP LYING.

The rest will fall into place for you. But you have GOT TO STOP DOING WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING FOR YEARS.

Start with Honesty.

LG

2 threads is getting confusing. Can one be tacked onto the other or something?

Melody Lane,
I did not lie......My daughter had an acrobatics show at the time I had scheduled. I cancelled and they said they would get back to me on Monday with her schedule. Since then all of this has come out....So when I started the other text, I simply stated that it was because she made it clear.

I'm sorry if you don't like me, I'm only asking for help here. I apologized to you and if all you want to do is be mean to me, that's fine, but all I can do is continue to understand and try to be a better person.

If all you are interested in is being mean to me and laughing at me, please go try to help someone else. I'm not looking for anyone to make me feel better or say nice things to me, but I also don't need for you to go out of your way to just be mean.

Ok well I was at the event with my BS and two other children. I'm not going to defend myself and am not blaming anyone to make myself sound good.....

I have said it time and time again.....I want everyone in here to be honest with me and am going to re-schedule with Jennifer.

UGT:

Start with not trying to do THIS:


You can't convince her of ANYTHING.

You can only show her two things right now:

1. Actions.

2. Honesty.

NOTHING ELSE MATTERS NOW.

She will see by your actions if you are being honest.

Then you might have a shot.

You think its hard now? Two weeks after your "seeing the light"

Wait till the Divorce papers come. And you have to pay large amounts of child support, marital support, give up your house, chunks of your pension, and limited time with your children.

Oh, then this week will seem like a cake walk.

If you think your getting 2x4's, you deserve much worse.

Your have ONE shot. Don't blow it. This IS a tightrope.

LG

I guess I should have said don't plan to re-schedule.

I should have never started a second one...It has caused nothing but trouble....Sorry