It takes time - you're in withdrawal right now.

Not ever speaking to men isn't a realistic goal. A more realistic one is to never speak to men about personal things (like you would your H or a female friend). It means having a very distinct line (boundary) between your interactions with H and other men.

Seems like I've reached an Angry Phase over the past couple of days... Is this normal?
Angry at OM and of course angry at myself...
Just wondered if this was normal and if anyone experienced this?

Normal to be made at OM and yourself.

Still in withdrawal after 5+ months??? Still riding this rollercoaster...some good days when OM makes me want to heave and other days when I still think about him--not always in a good light. But, the triggers are enormous--even 500 miles away. Do the "triggers" ever fade? Or, lessen? I really want this OM's memory to be gone for good.

The common idea here is that withdrawal lasts roughly 6 months or so - and that's assuming contact is never broken during that time. Breaking NC re-sets the clock back to day one. I've seen a lot of WS's on here talk about being angry at the OP, and most certainly at themselves.

The triggers will fade with time. It's like any other addiction - it gets better as time goes on, as long as you stay away from the source of the addiction (the OM). It's important to communicate with your H about how you're feeling - the good, bad, and the ugly. That's all part of O&H communication.

When I'm struggling, I'll go to my FWH and say to him "I'm having a hard time today, I'm really struggling with 'x'." It makes him uncomfortable because he's ashamed, but he also knows how important it is for us to talk. He knows I'm not putting the blame on him, even though he's the source of my pain. But I'm putting the focus on me by using the "I" statement. It's also important to do it in a very non-confrontational tone of voice, when things are calm, and BH is receptive to talking. If you talk with your BH, that also diffuses the power the triggers have over you. Another tactic I and other members have used is "re-claiming." For instance, let's say you and OM used to eat at a local restaurant - that would be a trigger for both you and BH. What you do is you and BH start eating at that restaurant so the memories of you two together begin to replace the memories of you and OM. Avoiding triggers just makes them stronger.

It takes time...a long time. Five months is a very, very short period of time in the grand scheme of things. I'm not much further ahead (almost 7 months now), and although we're doing pretty well, I also know we have a long way to go. Try to be patient with yourself.

Thanks Broken Soul for your words of wisdom and encouragement--and for the tips. Great ideas... Sometimes it just feels like time stands still and there are SO MANY of those nasty triggers!! I'm sure they are there for others too (BH, OMW and maybe OM too) but for me they seem to be terrible....
Thank you again.

Are you checking his FB or MS?

Are you asking friends in common about him?

These things are not directly breaking NC, but feed your addiction for OM.

Have you saved any affair items from him, shared with him, clothes, furniture, car.

You need to purge all reminders of OM.

Sorry to appear ignorant but what are FB or MS?

We don't really have any friends in common. I have gotten rid of everything that I had that reminded me of him. i.e., cards, pictures, gifts that he gave, etc. No shared clothing or furniture and I don't even have the same car that I had when we were seeing each other.

I did not save anything. The only thing that I have are just memories...good and bad. Feel like I'm going crazy sometimes with those...

Face book, My space

This is a VERY good point, because until recently I was checking the skank's myspace page. I got a much-needed 2x4 to the head and was told that I had developed an addiction to the skank, and NC went for ME too.

Dawn, I can't speak for all of us obviously, but strictly speaking for myself as a BW, it certainly is heartening to hear from a WS that is making a genuine effort at R. So I'm happy to help you and give you the perspective of the BS. You'll stumble and make mistakes as we all do, but I think you're doing a really good job, learning a lot, and making a lot of progress. Keep on keeping on. I have a lot of hope for you.

Duh!!! It hit me right as I was shutting the computer down what FB and MS meant...I felt really stupid.

But, no. OM doesn't have those as far as I know. And, I made a conscious effort to get rid of all things OM. I knew I had to but just little things let him into my mind.

I really am trying hard to move on. I know the things I've participated in have caused so much damage and hurt to all involved. I read about some of these crazy OW and think geez, I'm not like that and I'm glad. I'm just trying to get my life and marriage back and let them get theirs back. But sometimes, OM is like a ghost that haunts me--in my dreams too. Sometimes I feel like I'm going nuts.

I do thank everyone for the support I've received here at MB--without it I'm not sure where I'd be with this situation. And, I pray for the continued support. It's been a huge help to me.

I guess it just takes time...lots and lots of time? Is this what most of you are experiencing?

Yes time...

Dawn,

Something that concerns me...

When broken_soul asked you if you had been visiting OM's MySpace or Facebook page, you said that you weren't sure if OM had accts at those sites...Right after that you posted on another thread asking how to tell if your computer has a keylogger on it...

Soooooooooo..........

Did you go and find that OM does indeed have an account on MS or FB, and that is why you inquired about the keylogger?

If so, going to those pages constitutes contact and will keep you in a perpetual state of withdrawal [and MISERY] yanno...If you have done this, you have to tell your husband, you get that, right?

Mrs. W

OM does not have a MS or a FB and probably doesn't even know what they are. And, about the keylogger, it was just genuine curiosity. Seriously. I haven't contacted OM in any way, shape or form--honestly.

Dawn....come on now....did you really think we'd share that?

If you're not doing something you're not supposed to, it shouldn't matter if you have a keylogger on there or not. Look at it this way - if you do, it's a perfect opportunity for you to prove to your BH that you're trustworthy.

That was very "foggy" of you.

I am still a little foggy I think but I'm really trying to get out of the fog....

I'm not doing anything that I shouldn't be doing--it was just a curiosity thing. Anyway, it's not that important. I had never even heard of a keylogger...that's how computer literate I am!!!

Anyway, still trying to get out of the fog. It's beginning to clear...
Thanks.

Dawn,
I have to interject here. I have been the one betrayed by a 2nd time affair. My ww was with the same man before we were married. It destroyed her first marriage and his. His wife just took him back a couple of yrs ago and that is about when their affair allegedly interrupted my marriage. I have told her that if there is any contact, and that does includes looking him up, it has to be over. I think it is only fair to do this. I am only saying this because it my story is a little like yours.

Jack--not really sure how to respond to this. But, I do appreciate your post. I am and have been in NC with OM for almost 6 months now and will not break NC. But, I am interested in your point of view.

BH said last night that he wants to get a divorce. He said he was not happy and that he didn't even want to try to work on things anymore. Said he would be happier without me.
I thought we were doing pretty good for the past 6 months. I don't even have a job and am in another state now. No family around.

Oh Dawn...I'm very sorry to hear this...Is there any chance that you could get him to come here and let some people help him through this? It is, of course, his choice if he doesn't wish to stay in the marriage, but I'd really like to see you guys give true recovery a shot if at all possible...

Was there anything in particular that has triggered this for him right now? What has been going on?

Mrs. W