I am just curious why some of us want our waywards back. If our waywards committed nearly the most painful act one could afflict upon another, why work your b u t t off to win them back? Even Dr. Harley expresses this same astonishment when a betrayed spouse wants to win back their wayward but he helps them anyway.

For me, when I'm honest with myself, I am willing to work to get my wayward back because I realize what a schmuck I was to WW many times during our marriage. Also, WW was good at meeting my ENs--enough to keep me in love. Maybe she was the better spouse until she turned into Satan and had an affair (got abducted by aliens, whatever).

Of course nothing justifies having an affair.

Is there anyone here who thought they were just doing a flat-out wonderful job as a spouse and their wayward was a rotten spouse all along and then decided to cheat and now you still want them back?

Too much to give up on! I've known my WW for 21 years (5 years of dating/live-in and then 16 years of marriage). All-in-all an outstanding woman! Raised two beautiful kids. I would even call her a perfect Mom! Always thought of her as a super wife. Our marriage was very often the envy of friends. And now...this...an unbelievable nightmare. Still cannot figure how it ever came to this.

I want her back because to me she is still too precious to give up on. I must be in some sort of "fog" myself...

***edit***

In Harley terms, I would say that she kept up her lovebank deposits in your account to keep you in love with her. Do you think that you had enough deposits in her lovebank to keep her in love with you? This brings up an interesting question: Will a spouse still have an affair even if their lovebank balance is kept high enough to be in love with their spouse? Or do they only cheat once their lovebank balance falls below the threshold of love?

She is the only one that knows where the fabric softener is.

That's deep.

I re-read SAA today to figure out some stuff I was messing up and Dr. Harley says on page 169 that yes you can.

My H doesn't know where we keep the butter, so I know my position is secure.

Actually....she is the only one that knows WHAT the fabric softener is...

Geez, that sucks. So basically, you're saying that a spouse could have an astronomical love bank balance for their spouse and still cheat?

I had to return my SAA book to the library so I don't know what it says on page 169. What exactly does Dr. Harley say in this regard?

I've got an extra copy if you want to buy one

What it says pretty much is that if you feel attracted to someone, avoid them and tell your spouse. Then if you follow his rules for your marriage you should be OK.

Mike, too funny!

I never wanted "my wayward" back. He was a liar and a cheat and a miserable excuse for a man.

I did not take "my wayward" back. My husband, yes, but no stoopid wayward gets to share my life with me.

Waywards suck. Never take one back.

But if your actual spouse shows up with some lessons learned , well then, that's different!

How much will you sell it for? Actually, I've been meaning to purchase a few of Harley's books to own because they are so good and should be used as references. I usually check out a book at the library first to make sure it is one that I want to own.


Well, that is something to definitely keep in mind in a marriage. I guess you can never become complacent and think that things are going great in your marriage when you're both in love with each other because we're still susceptible to temptation.

TOUCHE'!

That's what I meant, but thanks for emphasizing that distinction and the importance of conditions upon which recovery should begin.

Well put.

Agreed, but most BS's who show up here would unfortunately take whatever crumbs on offer because they are bleeding with pain, and feel the WS is the only one who can stop the hurt.

I always thought one of the biggest benefits of a Plan A done correctly was a renewed (or perhaps in some cases a newfound) self-respect for the BS. It takes a great deal of self-restraint to pull of a good Plan A, and once the self-respect is restored settleing for crumbs is no longer an option for the BS. It helps both rise to a level of mutual respect. Its a fine line to be sure.

erichh,

I know a lady who was in this situation. She was a good spouse and had a good marriage up to the affair. She kept saying it wasn't her job to decide at that point if she wanted him back, only her job to win him back, and then she would decide.

She did a really good Plan A and slowly her husband as he used to be, started to reappear. Eventually she decided she did want him back, but it was her choice by that time, she was not coming from a place of desperation. I think she just eventually fell in love with him again because he was working so hard to win her back. And as far as I know they are still going strong.

I ask myself this daily. I want my husband (not the crazy alien that has no regard for anyone but himself, alcohol and OW).
Since H did not want to work on the M after 21 years because of the A, I feel I never got a fighting chance to get our marriage back

I know the mistakes I made (no I was not the perfect spouse), we had drifted, we were overworked, and not making time for each other. Was this enough to have an A...for me a BIG no but for H he chose the fog route.

Not just for me, I want my Husband back in the way our M should be. I want to see D15 happy again. This has been the worst for her. She is being tough but misses her Dad, her hero.