I'm not even sure how to explain this, other than to say...when ever I point out verbal or emotional abuse towards me, it's twisted back onto me with denial and blame. In other words, when I point out their wrong, they point back at me and say, its me. This has been happening for 3 years. I am being beaten into the ground here with accusations that it's me doing this. Is it considered abuse, when the abused is pointing out to the abuser their abuse? The lies abound in this relationship and they dont belong to me, and when I catch the lie, and say anything, they turn to me and say, I am abusing for voicing my frustration for being lied to...that, is just one example. HELP!!!!

That response is common in my experience, and in reading other's experiences. Most people would rather shift the blame to someone else rather than admit their own shortcomings. It sounds to me like you really are involved with an emotional abuser, though. They use gaslighting to keep the victim off balance, make you question your memory and perception, make you question if in fact they are right, that YOU are the abusive one.

This is in pre-marriage, so I'm assuming this is a live-in partner, not a husband or wife. Are there children? If not, what is keeping you there?

For three years of this?

yes, absolutely, I am made to question my own memory and I do consider myself to have a pretty good one. There is more to this though. it involves being sexually molested for years, in their childhood. it involves self injury. the counseling has been done, but the left over abusive behaviors are what are so obvious. the distrust. the lies. the blame. etc...and because of the past counseling, they consider themselves healed. when, they are not.

why am I still around? I have asked myself that for over a year. in simple terms, it's not their fault because of past issues and I am commited in this...for the long haul, i guess? lol.

no, we are not married but proposals have been made and the kids are adults...but in that also is another problem area...their addictions and raging anger issues that have put them in jail...and, there is denial in this area too, not to mention the protection of their abusive behaviors; they can do no wrong.

I see where the denial comes from...the years of suppressing the molestations. I also know, everyone has their own time in seeing themslves. My question is, how do I get through this without losing myself and hopefully helping them see themselves? The other problem is, it only happens behind closed doors.

There are serious issues here, that I am not able to get through, and on the surface, I could not describe a better giving person to be with...but the devil comes out behind the closed door. this is where I am having difficulty dealing.

So you're sticking around to 'save' this person? Are you qualified to do so? Are you willing to do it at the cost of your own happiness?

Whose children?

the reason i stick around is what i feel in my heart and my commitment in what i feel. "saving" this person is not my agenda but loving them is...we all have our issues. not everyone knows how to handle those issues and in this case, its obvious they dont. they do however, admit their abuses, as mine...the twisting around of what's said and done. I say, 'hey'...to defend myself, and they turn and point blame and denial at me. the, 'i can do no wrong syndrome'

their kids...20 and 25. the 20yo is currently in jail for beating up a 15yo and the 25yo lives with us and addicted to heroin with a daily dose of suboxin and unemployed with absolutely no ambition...total apathy going on inside his head.

I keep my mouth shut, unless the abuse is directed at me, then, I am labled the abuser for speaking my frustrations for being abused emotionally and verbally.

If i leave, which I have thought about many times, I begin to feel guilt for giving up, not to mention the fear of them self injuring. There are serious control issues going on here. God would not put something in front of me, that I cannot handle, or the resources to find help if I am struggling...and i am struggling and looking for advice? a direction to go in (besides out the front door).

maybe i should mention?...they are in a professional health field and present themselves professionally every working day. it's like, dr jekell and mr hiding...

we went to counseling over a year ago (two visits) and the doc saw serious problems but beacuse of the denials going on, they didnt feel the need to continue.

I hope someone besides me comes along, because I want to tell you to stop the nonsense and do what is right for you, because you do not own this situation.

I also want to say that God also provides a way out. God does not demand that you stay with an abusive spouse, much less an abusive live-in.

Have you gone to counseling for yourself, by yourself? Done any self-searching for why you allow yourself to be treated this way? Figured out what your real true part of this is, and how you can change it to make YOUR life better?

Nobody here can advise you on how to change someone else.

God doesn't bring us what isn't about us, too, Dep...

Please consider this: Everything you are experiencing now has been an issue with you before. Want this to be the time you really change your choices? God brings us together for reasons we can't see...it is never one-sided.

Welcome to MB...because it is a great resource.

Yet, I'm confused by your pronouns in your post...

How many partners do you have currently whom you have proposed to? Is it one, two or more? Are you saying you have proposed to your future spouse or she/he has proposed to you?

It's tough on an anonymous message board, sometimes, to figure what is a typo, incorrect grammar or deception. I'm a little lost as regards to no identifiers such as BF (boyfriend) GF (girlfriend), SO (significant other)...like you were asked, if you are living together, for how long, how long before you moved in...and if your lover is married, divorced, going through a divorce?

Gaslighting is a snap to deal with once you really know what it is...because when someone is telling you that you have a purple head...and you KNOW you don't have a purple head...then it doesn't trick or deceive you.

Sounds to me like you are truly looking to get what your responsibility is (it's breadth and limits), and to live clearly. Lemme know if I'm close.

Distrust in yourself is often seen only through others--mostly through those we are most vulnerable to...and to know when we feel defensive if we are actually being attacked or not...go for clarity first. Appreciate you clarifying for me.

LA