I've been with my wife for 5 years, we've been married for 1 and half years living together for 2 before that and she moved out a month ago. We never fought, I mean never not once in the 5 years we were together did either of us raise our voice. I thought we were happy and she says she was content but that it wasn't enough. When she told me she wanted a divorce I brow beat her into going to marriage counseling she went once and won't go again. She has agreed to meet with me once a week to talk about our marriage and we are using the 5 steps to Romantic love to try to rebuild things, (I just ordered the book today so up to now we have been going off of this website). This week our homework is to do the love busters and emotional needs worksheets. My problem is that she really does want out. We have no kids, no sigificant assets or debt that will be a problem or anything to hold us together. She said last week that she is just doing this so I won't hate her. She talked about how she tried to break up with me after 3 months of dating and how I should have let her. The reason she gave at the time is that she was going back to school 3 hours away. I talked her into giving it a chance and I went down there every weekend for a semester until she decided (against my urging) to move back here to go to school. Now she says she knew then that I was just supposed to be a transition guy. She says that many times she said she loved me it was a lie. When I asked her to write down what was good about our marriage she said, We are good friends, have good conversations, sex is amazing (although she doesn't want it?) and I am willing to give her space, and I love her. Negatives were that we are both enablers, of each others lazyness, I love her more than she loves me, which makes her feel bitter towards me and she felt like she was better at life (bills getting things done etc) before me.
She says it took her so long to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me but she now realizes she has to put herself first.
We have remained cordial with each other and that is the weirdest thing to me, the fact that she has moved out (currently living at her parents, who both like me) doesn't seem to be bothering her, she seems almost casual about the whole thing like it's not that big of a deal. We never made a big deal about being married, both of us felt like it was mostly for everyone else and that love was what mattered, I felt fully committed to her before the marriage and still did after the marriage.
A big part of our problem was communication, she never told me when she was unhappy with something, she'd just say that it was OK and so I believed her, (I've found out in counseling that we are both passive communicators and so we have worked on that by having a list of things that we talk about good and bad before we start talking on Sundays). I feel like we have a good roadmap for the communication problems.
The other problem is that we are just not initmate, I'm not talking about sex we always had sex about once a week but since about year one I could tell she was doing it for me, not because she wanted too, which was weird because she does cum. (Yes I'm sure that it's real). She just doesn't feel close to me, doesn't trust me and says she doesn't love me anymore. She also says when I'm on the road with my job (about 1 week a month on average) she realized she felt more comfortable with herself. She has big trust issues and claims she only has trusted 3 people completly in her life 2 of them (an old friend, and first love highschool sweetheart) ditched her. The third is her best friend, who likes me personally but has told my wife that she has to do whatever she has to do to make herself happy. For the record I have never done or said anything to my wife to make her not trust me. My primary sin in the marriage has been laziness. I know I neglected her but now that I know there is a problem I am doing all I can. I fear that my wife is going through the motions to make me happy and I don't know if my love credits are getting through. I won't stop trying until there is no other choice because I know that this can work if she'll just let it. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.
