I need some advice on what to do...

I've been married to my wife now for 3 years, been a couple about 4 and a half, and first started talking and interacting about 8 years ago.

I and my wife are currently separated and I want to explain things that have happened up to this point.

When I and my wife, Angela, first started dating her parents didn't like it. They went out of their way to try to stop it, from doing illegal background checks, checking my credit report, etc. Well they eventually threw her out of their house; she was house-sitting for them, and had to move in with me. At this point in time we had only been seeing each other for about 4 months and I had to find another apartment to accommodate us.

Well we eventually found out later that she was pregnant, she didn't want her family knowing after everything that had happened and they were pretty cruel to her. Both of us were working at the time but our jobs didn't accommodate us with regards to insurance. So after a long discussion we decided I needed to reenlist into the military, I had already served in the Marine Corps for 8 years (5 Active, 3 reserve).

Well I ended up being forced to leave sooner than I wanted to and was separated from my wife and soon to be son. I was able to take some leave to come back for a few days for his birth but nothing more than that. After 6 months of separation I was assigned to Ft. Hood, TX and was allowed to bring my family with me. So I went and got my wife and brought her down and we got to spend about 3 weeks together before the Army decided to deploy me with a Task Force and I had to leave. I barely had time to spend with my wife and son and to get them settled before I had to ship out.

I was deployed for about 11 months and during that time frame I had to take emergency leave twice, for the death of my grandmother who had raised me as a kid and my father who had his leg amputated due to his terminal diabetes. It was during the time of my second emergency leave that my wife got pregnant again. Wasn’t quite planned but we were happy about it. I came off deployment in Nov 07 and we lost him on April 1st of 08, just a few days before her due date. My wife has a lot of medical issues while she is pregnant, from severe pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, being required to take blood thinners for blood clotting, shoulder dyscotia, etc.

The loss of our second child hit us pretty hard. My wife harder than me and her parents and brother eventually came down to visit. Her parents were initially only going to stay a week but I had a big fight with them over it when she needed them. Her dad had work but her mom had no reason to leave early. Her mom eventually stayed a month and helped out. I pretty much just allowed them to spend time together and try to patch things up between themselves and only had to step in a couple of times.

My wife decided she didn’t want to stay in Ft. Hood anymore and so I applied for a reassignment and we moved to Ft. Campbell, KY around the end of June 08. While waiting for the process of waiting to set everything up here and to get doctor visits my wife got pregnant again and she’s not due in May 09. We’ve fought over this pregnancy a few times because I and her doctors are in agreement she’s not ready physically or mentally for this pregnancy.

I know my wife is still suffering though she denies it just as I still suffer from losing our second child but I also know that we need to move on not only for ourselves but for our first child who will be 3 in July. Since losing our second child my wife has grown more distant, emotionally as well as physically. She doesn’t like to do anything anymore. We don’t talk much anymore, at least about anything of importance and it can never be about feelings or needs. To her my feelings and needs are wrong. I know my wife needs time to heal but with the way things are it’s tearing us apart and I don’t know what to do.

I know she needs her time but I am a man and while I love my wife and I wait, I can’t keep on waiting forever. I’ve always been told a couples sex life is a direct reflection of what’s going on in their marriage, and it’s true. The sex is non-existent, we haven’t had sex since August of 08 and before that we’ve only had sex 6 times since she has been able to have sex again after losing our second child. When we do have sex she lays there like a cold fish and doesn’t interact at all. She claims not to enjoy sex when she used to love having sex with me and that it hurts when we do have sex. It’s like she can’t feel any pleasure down there at all. The things that used to set her off do nothing for her anymore and I’m concerned that something we don’t know about might be wrong.

She however, refuses to get checked out and says nothings wrong. She claims I’m overly sexual and that desiring to make love to my wife at least every other day is too much. She thinks I need to see a sex therapist or something because I’m too sexed up. I don’t know any male my age, 30, who wouldn’t feel the same about sex as I do. I think I am pretty normal in my desires for sex.

An ex-girlfriend of mine contacted me back in Oct 08 through MySpace saying that she missed the sex with me. I didn't take it seriously because I had no contact with her for years prior to that and figured she was just drunk. However, my wife got into my MySpace account and took it seriously. She positively flipped out over it and accused me of cheating or planning to cheat on her. Despite the fact that my needs were not being seen to in this marriage I have never cheated on my wife nor have I wanted to do that. I've been cheated on by every one of my ex's and I wouldn't put my wife through that.

To top it all off, another ex of mine, this one my wife absolutely hates because I almost married her and we were still friends, sent me a text message while I was at work saying she needed to talk to me it was an emergency. I didn't know it was her at the time because I didn't recognize the number. I called and it was my ex. She was having legal issues because her oldest, 17, was stirring up trouble and was making false accusations against her. The court hadn't appointed her a lawyer yet and she needed advice before her court date so she didn't lose her youngest girl. Since I was studying law, specifically Family law she called me and I gave her what advice I could. We only talked a few times after that and never for long just to see how things were going.

After I got home that day I told my wife everything that took place. I left nothing out in what was discussed and my wife thought it was funny what was going on with my ex. I didn't but hey... to each their own right? Anyway, a few days later my wife starts in wanting to know more about it and accused me of constantly talking to her, etc, etc. This is someone my wife believes I am still in love with, which I'm not, and that will steal me away from her, which wouldn't happen. But she still thinks it. After the first few calls and texts, all within about a weeks time, we didn't talk again. At least not until her oldest decided to cause problems between me and my wife by emailing her on MySpace and telling her that I was planning on visiting my ex and was trying to have phone sex with her. Well my wife flipped out and despite showing her my cell phone bill and the bank statements showing my purchases were around my sisters place at Christmas she didn't believe me and to this day still says I am talking and meeting up with her.

Well we have been separated since the beginning of Dec of 08 now. She says she wants a divorce and is now living with her parents again. They are buying her all kinds of crap, from diamond earrings and necklaces (she never wore either when we were together), brand new baby furniture and sets (We already had those), clothes, perfume, etc. They even left their maid behind to take care of my wife and son while they are away and she pampers them. I feel like they are trying to buy her off, she says they aren’t, with all of that as well as paying for her to finish her schooling. I tried to get her to do that when we were together and she never seemed to want to and now all of a sudden she does.

I’m trying to do everything I can to hold this marriage together and work things out but I don’t know what to do anymore. About half of our phone conversations are fights and she thinks she can freely do whatever she wants with the money I make when she knows she can’t do that. I don’t mind her spending money here and there, she rarely bought anything while out together while she was with me but now that she’s in Pennsylvania and living in her parents house she’s spending well over $200 a week on different things and I’m like, WTF?!?! I need to keep bills paid and she’s just blowing money.

I’ve now limited her access to the bank account because of it but she’s now threatening to contact my Chain of Command to tell them that I’m refusing to give her any money and it’s driving me crazy. She was never this irresponsible before. I need some help on what to do here… I’ve recently been thinking that divorce might be the better option financially and mentally speaking… but I know it’s not what I want and I don’t want to end up losing my children and being forced to only see them only a couple of times a year if I’m lucky.

I'm in marriage counseling by myself if you can believe that because she refused to come while here with me. I've asked her to see someone in Pennsylvania but she refused even that. She claims she doesn't need help. Her family tells her she's fine and that it's me that needs the help but I don't believe that and neither does the counselor.

Help me please.

Christopher,

I can't really offer you any help or advice; only my sympathy. It sounds like your heart's in the right place, and you are trying to do what's right.

And thank you for your service.

Best regards,
MH

Thanks but I don't feel like I deserve any appreciation myself. I do a job that I like to think I am good at and to me it's just like any other job. It just tends to have more demands on my time than a civilian would. Heh.

I just wish I knew what to do. My wife says I never do anything for her... but I gave up nearly everything to take care of her. I initially got out of the military because I came to hate it. I miss the Marine Corps don't get me wrong but I've seen so many people getting screwed over it wasn't even funny. It just seems like people like to feed off of other peoples misery. So when I got out and finished my reserve time I never wanted to go back in.

Unfortunately I had no choice once she got pregnant... and stupid me thought the Army might be a little better... but it's not. I've seen so much crap in the 3 years I've been in the Army that it's literally mind-boggling. No real leadership, no real discipline, everyone is out for themselves, and no care is given to the service families. It's actually worse than the Marine Corps, but I got a bigger bonus for the Army so I went there.

I had to drop getting my education to give her the time to get hers, which she never got around to doing. I gave up my freedom to basically be able to walk away if I believed something to not be right. I'm stuck working for the Army for the next 4 years and I'm going to hate every bit of it.

I place all of her needs first and foremost. I try to give her everything I can. I come home most days so exhausted after working 12-14 hour days and getting up at 5am every morning and I dont want to do anything. I spend time playing with my son and I eat and usually fall asleep on the couch afterwords. I would give anything to be able to go back to having a 9-5 job but I can't.

She doesn't see me being in the military as a sacrifice. I've been to Iraq 3 times and Afghanistan once and she thinks that because I seem to come back that I will the next time too. I'm heading out next year for my 4th deployment to Iraq and she doesn't even care.

Am I just too stupid or something? Am I heartless and cruel for wanting to have my needs fullfilled? She says I care nothing for her yet I am always the one taking care of her especially after her parents treated her like crap and her mother nearly beat her to death while she was pregnant with our first son. I must be crazy right to want to be with this person or something I guess.

I don't want to just give up but it seems like nothing I try works and it just seems to escalate everything. And not to be selfish or anything but I don't want to get a divorce, this is my second marriage, and I don't want to be alone anymore... even though I am alone right now. *sighs* I also don't want to move into the Barracks. Heh. Oh well...