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Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 11
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debanne Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 11
Last Friday, I discovered that my husband was having an affair with a woman who he had met again (after 35 years) at a HS reunion dinner planned on Facebook. They had obviously met up and started an email/text/phone relationship. It moved very quickly and within 2 weeks they were professing their love for one another. Things hadn't become physical yet, so my husband believed that he was handling this in an "honorable" way. I confronted him and told him (at the advice of my therapist) that his two options were to stay and work on our relationship, or to leave if he couldn't give up this woman. He claimed that he's been unhappy for a long time, that there is no chemistry with me and that he is being truthful with himself for the first time in his life. He needs to stand on his own two feet - something that he clearly is not doing. He has ended his relationship with me after 16 years and seems to have no ambivalence about it. He is currently staying in the guest room of a friends house.

My husband and I were not two people living separate lives. We were very bonded and very much a close couple. Of course, we had some serious issues that we had neglected to address, but he never let me know just how bad things had become for him. Within 2 days of my finding out, he spent the night with her and I found a page long love letter after that, basically saying that they will be spending their lives together. I understand that he is most likely going through a midlife crisis, but he truly believes that he loves this woman.

Lastly, he is in trouble financially right now. Although he has brought in a substantial income for many years, he announced about nine months ago that he didn't want to work for anyone else and was going to start his own business. So, at this point, his income is quite low and I am compensating with my salary. Was this decision also possibly part of the midlife thing? He is prepared to give me most of his earnings, but since they are not what they were, I will still have to pay more than 1/2 of the expenses. That was fine before, but now it's simply horrendous.

Any ideas or advice are greatly appreciated. THanks so much.

Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 11,245
Read up on how to make MB work for you, it can make a difference.

But please remember that all affairees change history. Never loved you, all a mistake, found their one true love, all the same.

So don't listen to anything he says to you right now.

The other thing you have to do - now - is expose the affair! You will never get him back unless you stop the affair. Do you know what is involved in that?

Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 11
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debanne Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 11
Thanks for the response. I'm not sure what you mean by "expose the affair". I confronted him, which seems to have sped up their love affair and it's been moving at a frenzied pace. He truly believes he has finally found his mate. (Remember - they just reconnected on January 23 after 35 years!)

I have told all of my friends and our mutual friends, but I have not idea what he's telling his friends.

What else do you recommend that I do at this point?

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 4,652
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hi debanne,

Yes welcome to MB, although I am sorry about the circomstances that bring you here.

There IS hope, there are definite steps you can take to maximize your chances for recovering your marriage.

There is a LOT more traffic on the GQII forum (General Questions II). They can help you formulate a plan. They are experts on working the plans to combat affairs.

They can tell you more about exposure over there, but in brief, you want to tell everyone you can think of (friends, family, people at work), and you want to tell them before he gets to them first and spins it to his advantage.

You also want to absolutely put a stop to ALL your LBs (Love Buster actions) and try to meeet as many ENs (Emotional Needs) of his as possible.

Have you read the basic concepts yet? If not, do so, right after you post on GQII. (Unless you've already done so!)


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)

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