In the meantime - you may want to watch Fireproof - you may find some comfort in seeing a movie about saving a marriage.

GG

I did a search for that movie yesterday. I'll watch it this weekend.

Thanks you.

No, tony, you have not accepted responsibility when you say that your behavior is "clinical" or you have "low self esteem" and you have "abanonment issues," blah, blah, blah, blah. That ain't taking responsibilty. When you continually look for excuses in your childhood and try to turn SIN INTO SYNDROME, you are BLAMESHIFTING.

That is why your wife won't take you seriously. What you say here is not an indication of a serious effort to change. It is a serious effort to FIND EXCUSES.

It doesn't fool me and it doesn't fool your wife.

Tony, I am a betrayed spouse who has a great bs detector. If you were my H and you said these things to me, you would be out on your ear. It is all blameshifting and excuse making and very dramatic self pity. If it sounds that way to me it may also sound that way to her. It is not impressive.

And even less impressive is the fact that your marriage is failing and you are running off yakking to psychologists about YOURSELF. That tells me you are not serious about your marriage but would rather go talk about YOURSELF and your poor lot in life.

I didn't sit in front of my wife and make up excuses. And Melodylane, my wife is unaware Im at counsellor. So why would she think, feel or fear Im making up excuses or 'blame shifting' Im asking question from you guys as I hear so many different theory's. My wife's too hurt to talk at the moment. I find that hard to deal with as id like to talk to her. Its the silence and the distance that's hard. Im being patient for her and her needs. And in the mean time I'll continue doing whatever is necessary for me. Time is all we have and Im not going anywhere.

Tony, all I see here are EXCUSES, self pity and blameshifting. Saying you take "accountability" for your actions and then making excuses in the next breath is not taking accountability, it is empty TALK. And talk is cheap. Your words are meaningless. They are empty talking points that are not backed up by action.

I have no doubt that is exactly what your wife has been getting all along too. She is right to keep her distance until and unless that changes.

You asked a "question" and I gave an answer. If I can see the blameshifting here, I have no doubt your wife can too.

What is "necessary" for your marriage is to stop making excuses, stop blameshifting and start taking some real accountability. Maybe that is for you. Maybe not. But let me point out that what you are doing is not working.

Okay.

Tony, can I point out that your best thinking got you into this dreadful place? You are now on affair #3 and have been booted out of your home. And you have YET to take responsibility. Saying it is not the same as DOING IT.

Could a little self honesty be in order here?

as in?

as in, being honest about the source of your adultery.

Yes. I understand that your saying.

Thanks for sifting through my emotional baggage and putting me straight.

A good start would be this comment right here:


Do you want to explain what this means and what it has to do with the fact that you have cheated on your wife and hurt her terribly?

When I try and explain things, thoughts, emotions ect instead of just saying them as I would if talking about them I get caught up in a web of using fancy words and phrases. Maybe its my way. Im not sure. But when I talk to people close and I open up I just talk like there is no tomorrow. And no one get confused. Clinical I guess means its from my head, and not my heart.

Does that make sense?

Tony, is English your first language?

Yes. Im confusing hey.

Tony, I think that until you start talking STRAIGHT to your wife and stop the denial, blameshifting, excuse making and self pity, she will be very wary of you. And she should be. All those traits indicate that you haven't taken accountability for your cheating. Taking accountability is demonstrated by NOT blaming your childhood, your self esteem or the man in the moon. Those are all diversions. That is not taking accountability.

People who talk in circles and use alot of psychobabble are people who are trying to NOT to be understood. And there is usually a reason why they don't want to be understood: they are hiding something. I think you do have the ability to be honest and that is what I would have to see if I was your wife.

I am not saying this to be mean, Tony, but you have to understand that changing means being honest and straightforward in your thought and speech - that starts by being honest with yourself. That is what your wife needs to see.

I know exactly what it is your saying. Thank-you.

Tony.

Its a long road ahead but we'll get there!