I also posted this in the new marriages section but was told that this one gets more traffic so I'll repost here in hopes of getting some opinions. Hope this is ok, sorry for any who have read it already. The last bit is new

I've been with my wife for 5 years, we've been married for 1 and half years living together for 2 before that and she moved out a month ago. We never fought, I mean never not once in the 5 years we were together did either of us raise our voice. I thought we were happy and she says she was content but that it wasn't enough. When she told me she wanted a divorce I brow beat her into going to marriage counseling she went once and won't go again. She has agreed to meet with me once a week to talk about our marriage and we are using the 5 steps to Romantic love to try to rebuild things, (I just ordered the book today so up to now we have been going off of this website). This week our homework is to do the love busters and emotional needs worksheets. My problem is that she really does want out. We have no kids, no sigificant assets or debt that will be a problem or anything to hold us together. She said last week that she is just doing this so I won't hate her. She talked about how she tried to break up with me after 3 months of dating and how I should have let her. The reason she gave at the time is that she was going back to school 3 hours away. I talked her into giving it a chance and I went down there every weekend for a semester until she decided (against my urging) to move back here to go to school. Now she says she knew then that I was just supposed to be a transition guy. She says that many times she said she loved me it was a lie. When I asked her to write down what was good about our marriage she said, We are good friends, have good conversations, sex is amazing (although she doesn't want it?) and I am willing to give her space, and I love her. Negatives were that we are both enablers, of each others lazyness, I love her more than she loves me, which makes her feel bitter towards me and she felt like she was better at life (bills getting things done etc) before me.

She says it took her so long to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me but she now realizes she has to put herself first.

We have remained cordial with each other and that is the weirdest thing to me, the fact that she has moved out (currently living at her parents, who both like me) doesn't seem to be bothering her, she seems almost casual about the whole thing like it's not that big of a deal. We never made a big deal about being married, both of us felt like it was mostly for everyone else and that love was what mattered, I felt fully committed to her before the marriage and still did after the marriage.

A big part of our problem was communication, she never told me when she was unhappy with something, she'd just say that it was OK and so I believed her, (I've found out in counseling that we are both passive communicators and so we have worked on that by having a list of things that we talk about good and bad before we start talking on Sundays). I feel like we have a good roadmap for the communication problems.

The other problem is that we are just not initmate, I'm not talking about sex we always had sex about once a week but since about year one I could tell she was doing it for me, not because she wanted too, which was weird because she does cum. (Yes I'm sure that it's real). She just doesn't feel close to me, doesn't trust me and says she doesn't love me anymore. She also says when I'm on the road with my job (about 1 week a month on average) she realized she felt more comfortable with herself. She has big trust issues and claims she only has trusted 3 people completly in her life 2 of them (an old friend, and first love highschool sweetheart) ditched her. The third is her best friend, who likes me personally but has told my wife that she has to do whatever she has to do to make herself happy. For the record I have never done or said anything to my wife to make her not trust me. My primary sin in the marriage has been laziness. I know I neglected her but now that I know there is a problem I am doing all I can. I fear that my wife is going through the motions to make me happy and I don't know if my love credits are getting through. I won't stop trying until there is no other choice because I know that this can work if she'll just let it. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated.

This is new and not posted in the other one, I believe she has had an Emotional affair, (can it be an emotional affair with a gay man) she says he is just a friend but he took my place in filling some of her emotional needs. She won't stop seeing and talking to him, although I think he has hurt our relationship.

Hi Determinedhubby-

Actually, the best place for you to post is at General Questions II. That area gets the most traffic. It's a bit late in the evening right now, but things will most likely pick up in the morning.

Your wife has rewritten your marital history-a very typical behavior of a wayward spouse. This allows them to justify their behavior. The fact that she seems "almost casual" about everything may also be a sign of an A.

You will get more insights and advice on Gen Questions II.


Good Luck!

thanks I'll try that.

As someone who was dissatisfied to miserable for 5.5 years of her 6 years of marraige, I find the assumption that a spouse is "re-writing" history disrespectful to the spouse. Unless you absoluutely know that you spouse is in an affair and that said spouse was happy with the marriage, I'd be careful about assuming history is being rewritten. Many times history is not being rewritten at all.

The problem as Steve Harley explained it to me is that each spouse judges the health of the marriage and the happiness of his partner by his own happiness. Because my H was happy in our marriage, he believed I must be happy too in spite of me telling him repeatedly I was very unhappy. B thought it would get better if I just stopped "obbessing about how unhappy I was."

If your wife doesn't want to fill in the questionnaires, make a copy and fill them in as if you were her. You can ask her to correct any mistakes you made, or just use your best guesses as a way to develop a plan. Have you read about Plan A? I bet that's where you'll end up because I don't think she'll enthusiastically participate right now. Don't push her to. Remember POJA.

How old are you?

Ask her to tell you what she envisioned in her life when she was a teenager. What did she expect to be doing for a living? How/where did she expect to be living? (inner city, suburbs, beach, small town? What did she plan to do to fill up her days? Hobbies, talents, social activities?

Get that from her, and then discuss whether she's getting any of that, and then discuss whether you can change y'all's situation so she can attain some of it - with you. See if she'd be willing to do that. If she's like a lot of females, she may have suppressed her wants to make you happy; thus building resentment and unhappiness - and telling herself it's because she doesn't love you.

First of all what is POGA? Second thanks so much for your responses. Third I am 30 my wife is 25, and the questions about how she envisioned her life is as good advice as I have gotten from anyone. Thank you all so much for your responses. The fact that there are people on here who care about a total stranger is a real blessing.

I mean POJA not POGA.

She came over this afternoon, just called me up and asked if she could come over and watch TV, since she was working a split shift (her parents live 15 minutes from work I live about 10) I said sure, she picked up lunch and came over. Nothing really happened we sat and read books while the TV was on, I did laundry (something I never did while she was with me) then she took a nap for a couple of hours.

Don't know if it means anything but I wanted to post it just in case. Thanks again for taking the time to read.

We talked again last night, actually text messaged for 2 hours (That's what she likes to do do with everyone). We made a game of asking each other questions and answered them everything from favorite poet, to why is your best friend your best friend, to dreams, to your first grade teacher. I'm sure that one of her EN needs I was neglecting was conversation so I think I done good.

Still not sure what POJA means. I am also really struggling with whether or not she had an EA with this gay guy. I don't think there was any physical attraction, just him meeting emotional needs for recreation and conversation. I am trying to fill those needs now, I feel like asking she not see someone who is a friend and not a PA risk may be a HUGE love buster, and exposing is pointless because she has never bothered to hide this relationship from anyone as she feels there is nothing to hide. I also know that I have my own issues with regards to jealousy.

Policy of joint agreement! The acronyms on this site can be tough at first.

I understand the dilema regarding the possible EA. It certainly is a lot like an EA in that she is getting her ENs met outside the marriage. I simply isn't healthy for the marriage. On the other hand, there isn't a whole lot of fear that it could escalate into something else, and probably something that won't hurt and linger on like a different kind of affair would.

I guess I would focus less on that and more on meeting her ENs like you're doing. However, I think you maintain O&H and don't pretend that you're ok with that friendship. I wouldn't make any demands...for one thing, you want her to realize that she can trust you with her ENs and doesn't need this friend.

Others may disagree with me as they have more experince with affairs then I do. I just have learned that sometimes it's better to make your point, but don't push it too hard. Something can happen tom cause your spouse to reconsider, and she'll remember what you said and be thankful you were patient and didn't push her into resenting you.