I believe WS cheat all the time even knowing they have a great Spouse at home. I think it is more EGO boosting and the thrill of the A then actual holes in the M. Yes, most M's have problems, and most people have common sense and realize that overall their M is pretty good, otherwise, they would have separated long ago and gone plan D. The issue becomes when they defog and have to own up to their tragic error, thats when all the supposed spousal problems come from left field. Its a defense mechanism. When fWxW tried that sh on me, I said, OK,well, sounds like I have issues and we need to separate. "NO, NO, where are you going??!!" I play poker, I know when someone is B.S.(Bluffing) me. Your H obviously knew what he had and was not willing to let it go! And coming from someone who had a RA(SINFUL CHOICE, SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THIS!), and went out with numerous women since we split, I don't get it. I guess my EGO was already high cuz I can not see what all the HOOPLA is about with wanting an A. It can't be worth it.

This is pretty much my story as well. To this day he still says i was a "wonderful wife" and he does not know why he did it.

I believe WS cheat all the time even knowing they have a great Spouse at home. I think it is more EGO boosting and the thrill of the A then actual holes in the M.

Ego was a word that definitely came up. And this hurt. The word "compartmentalize" came up, too. The counselor felt my FWH was able to have his life at work and his life at home -- he was king wherever he went. I did ask him early on why was it so easy to cut her off completely and he told me that reality -- the thought of losing me -- he's never been so scared.

Mike -- The true issues that came out were that we had never really set up *boundaries*. I've asked and asked and asked about how I can change to make him happier, but he said the A had nothing to do with me -- he was a jerk (in his words) and did not have proper boundaries. You and your wife have issues, real issues to work on. I'm so sorry for your pain -- that's a whole 'nother ballgame. But you have something concrete to work on. What we had to work on was that my FWH had to put real boundaries in place at work, and I had to work on my constant OCD activities that resulted after D-Day (computer, Verizon, repeat) and to learn to trust, just trust The thought I have to keep fighting regarding wanting my wayward back is MY ego saying, "Kat, have some dignity!"

I've never been good at voicing my needs/wants and always think about him. Always prided myself in not being a nag. When he would come home late, I never even questioned!! Result? I felt like a complete idiot. So stupid, stupid to completely trust. It's funny how when I said that in our sessions with our MC, this really bothered both my husband and the counselor. But it's true -- I thought that if you took care of yourself to look attractive for your spouse, were attentive to the other's needs, changed things up to keep things exciting in the bedroom, etc., that you were safeguarded against affairs. But it's not true. The modern work place is like a single's bar without alcohol.

The modern work place is like a single's bar without alcohol. <-NAIL ON THE HEAD.....GOOD THOUGHTS...DUDE

Nope. YOU don't need to learn to trust. Your FWH has to learn to be trustworthy. A wayward spouse has proven they are untrustworthy. The wayward has to EARN your trust. That can take awhile. You can trust... but verify.

You'll know when your trust has been restored.

A lot of people listed sentiments that I can relate to.

Additionally for me, I did not want to contribute to my WW's self destruction. I know that is not a reason for wanting her back, but it was a reason for not wanting to let her go.

While painful to experience, some of this A stuff is just so silly, it was impossible for me just to walk a way.

Kat, you do understand that it would not be wise to trust an untrustworthy person, don't you? Trust has to be earned, it can't be faked and it only leaves you vulnerable to afford trust to an untrustworthy person. You were not OCD for checking to see what he was doing behind your back: you were SMART.

When you are knifed in the back, the logical reaction is to watch your back.

How else would you learn to trust an untrustworthy person if not by snooping to see what they do behind your back? Would you take the word of a liar that they were being honest?

"While painful to experience, some of this A stuff is just so silly, it was impossible for me just to walk a way." I agree w/ this whole heartedly. While tragic, some of the sh that went on between the two was down right commical. We did actually laugh here and there about the A. Especially the cheap a$$ jewlery he gave her and her giving him a "pinky ring". Sorry, not into that at all here. My friends thought that was hillarious. Lastly, the joking she did about the lame sex, even after we split up was amusing. I guess it just wasnt funny enough to overcome the betrayal.

For me, the silliness was not so much in what the AP's did, but rather in the whole premise of an A.