Hello-

I am a long time lurker and have posted a few times in the past. I have come to believe my DH is a compulsive liar.

Recap:

Me- 37
DH- 39
DD's- 8, 4.5

Early in marriage- lied about taking $$ from savings for gambling
2004: lied about money again (gambling again); lied about obtining BS degree online. Lied abotu time away from work (could be related to gambling- never confirmed)

2007: lied about time away from work, used bogus BS degree on rsume when looking for work. Lied about a myspace account (single/does not want kids)

On 12/17/09: DH tells me he found blood in his urine/went to doc/took blood samples/would get results in a week.

2/18/09: Doc called back/no findings from lab tests. DH said they think it's from his anti-tobacco medication (he had been trying to quit, starting in Sept) Note:I did not ask him to try to quit- this was his own doing. Foudn this was not true when we never receieved a bill/explanation of benefits for the visit/labs. DH siad they weren't going to charge him (I know this is not true).

All of these lies specified are peppered with other "little/medium" lies throughout our 12.5 year marriage and 4 year courtship.

For the sake of the children I would love to have an intact family but from what I've read, until the addiction is fixed, the marriage really cannot recover. Not sure how to proceed. In the past I've plan A'd,hoping I would create a loving, safe place for my DH to be honest with me. It is obviuosly not working. I know this is not infidelity but since affairs are "addictions" thenselves, I thought I could get some feedback and help on a plan moving forward.

Any help is appreciated!

NH

Welcome. Is your husband a compulsive gambler?

He could very well be- I control our finances and since the previous D-days I have kept tabs on everything from savings, checking, monitoring our credit reports (mine and his). He is completely aware of this. He even knows I have access to his emails (except his work e-mail account).

You probably need to figure that out. If he is telling lies to go gambling, or if he is just a compulsive liar. But the gambling needs to be addressed.

Nowdays they have all kinds of treatment for gambling including medication.

Thanks believer-

I agree, the gambling is an issue.

I still don't understand all of the little lies (e.g. things that happened during the day or something a relative said, etc)

Also, why he would lie about his urinary issue and going to teh doctor when it never happened. (where's the benefit?- he wasn't in trouble, no additional money involved, no time away from work)

Sorry- I'm trying ot rationalize out loud.

Thank you!

Until an addict gets sobriety AND recovery under their belt, they aren't going to be honest with anyone, including themselves.

Have you read up on addictions at all? I separate sobriety and recovery, because they are two separate events. One can be sober, and still not change their beliefs/heal themselves/figure out why they turned to self-medicate. This would be a "dry drunk." Real, lasting sobriety comes with recovery work.

Do they have a 12-step program for SO's of gamblers? Have you gone? If there's no 12 step program for gambler SO's, you could go to Al-Anon.

You also might find the book "Boundaries" by cloud and Townsend.

My husband is a recoverying addict. I have a personal boundary that I will not raise children with an active, using addict. So, my husband had a choice, get sober and recover or loose his family. I was one of the luckier ones, in that my husband somewhere, loved his addiction less than us.

You also might want to speak with a therapist who specializes in gambling addictions..to understand what you are getting into. Recovery from my husband's addiction is a 3-5 year process.

Thank you in recovery-

I have to researched "gambler's anonymous" or anything like that. I appreciate your input. My first reaction to teh most recent lies was just get out. But you know what, I love him, I vowed before God to love and honor him for better or worse. Thanks for insight on the length of the process. I know I'd love for it to be a much quicker fix and with less heartache. My only fear now is telling me DH that we need to work on this and he's not ready to.

NH