I honestly have read so many books on relationships, self help books and have received advice from many people that nothing is helping. I have come to you as a last resort. I am 22 and I was recently married last March, had a baby in September and now I am lost. My husband and I were married because we thought it would be the best thing for our baby. Now I am not sure that was the good idea. We argue every day about everything. If it's not one thing its another. I know I am part of the problem. I am as stubborn as a mule but I have to say I do try.
My husband and I are complete opposites. We don’t see eye to eye in anything.I thought this would be a good thing. I thought there is no possible way we could ever get bored of each other. Believe me I am not bored. I am fed up and tired. I think we should open a college savings fund for our daughter he thinks that can wait. I think we should save for a house because the apartment we live in is so small it drives me crazy. He thinks that can wait. On the other hand he wants sex I think that can wait. It’s like we go back and forth and nothing gets solved. These are only some of the problems. He is extremely jealous. When I go out he calls me constantly. He needs to know where I am and who I am with at all times. He checks my phone and my e-mails. We argue about this all the time.
That’s another thing it would be fine if we just raised our voices when we argued but we don’t. We don’t argue in a healthy way. We both have really bad tempers. When we argue it’s like hitting your head against a brick wall. Nothing goes through. The only thing that happens is plates fly and chairs break. I tried to seek counseling but when I finally find someone we can talk to he gives me the run around. He can’t go because he has to work or he has to go to school. (We both go to college) I don’t know what to do. I honestly think that sometimes it would be better if we went our separate ways. I look at my daughter and I try to stick it out just for her. I know she needs a family. I dont know what to do. I also thought about seperating but i don't know if that would help or just make things worse. Please help.

I have never been in your situation. However, I know it must be tough for both of you. Sure, your daughter needs a family, but she also needs to grow up in a stable and calm environment. What you have described seems nothing like that. I am not telling you to leave your husband. It would definitely be best to work things out. It will take a lot of hard work on both your parts. Your husband must be willing to do his part. Don't stay for your daughter, if it environment you guys are in isn't pretty. That won't help her. She doesn't need to grow up in a home with parents that fight and yell and throw things all the time or she will grow up thinking that is normal and it isn't. Consider all your options here. Maybe you will hear from some people who have been in your shoes before. Best of luck to you and your precious daughter.

aamaya, what you can do is learn to get along and learn to negotiate respectfully, taking each others desires into account. That does not mean you always get your way, or that he gets his. That means that in every decision, you take the others position into account and negotiate until you have an ENTHUSIASTIC AGREEMENT that satisfies you both.

A good marriage is not going to happen all on its own. And if you are fighting with each other and making demands and disrespectful judgments, your marriage will naturally be miserable. You have to LEARN TO BE COMPATIBLE, it is not going to happen by osmosis.

My suggestion would be to go the bookstore and get the book His Needs, Her Needs by Dr Willard Harley. It can show you how to get this back on the right track.

Separating will not solve the problem, it will just make it worse for you all. And you will still have the same problem in your next marriage. You might as well learn how to do it with the father of your daughter. That would be the best situation for her.

In the meantime, check these articles out, starting here

This needs to stop. As you can see, it is not helping the situation.


Trying is not doing.


Opposites attract. And it is a good thing if you stop fighting and learn how to negotiate.


Are you paying attention to what he wants? In order to be respected, one has to SHOW respect.


What is there to argue about? If you know he is jealous, then why would you go out without him and why wouldn't you gladly show him your calls? He has a RIGHT to know where you are and who you are with, he is your husband. To withhold your whereabouts with someone you call "jealous" is MEAN. Why wouldn't you try to do things to LESSEN his discomfort instead of purposely aggravating him?



Arguing is not healthy. As you can see...


Wow, I missed the part where you get VIOLENT. All bets are off with this. That is a dangerous environment for your DD. Maybe you should separate until you can get some serious psychological help for your anger. Can you move in with your parents so your DD will have a responsible adult to take care of her?

You should work on overcoming the violence issue before working on anything else. This is a character trait that will remain with you even if you leave your H, and your child will learn it from you, and learn it quite well. Go to counseling even if your H doesn't. Once you learn that it is possible to disagree without breaking things, then you can learn to negotiate and compromise.

Ask around and find excellent psychologists for both of you to get better coping skills.