So here it is the 2nd anniversary of Dday. Ugh! LaLa and I are doing well. It hasn't always been easy, but we have made it this far. Our life is pretty difficult right now, but we are making the most of it.

Anyhoo, I was wondering if we as BSs place too much significance on Dday or if it is just inherent with the trauma inflicted? Is the sense of loss so great that the signifance is just there? I know I could easily list a dozen things that I lost on Dday. Many of which I may never get back. I would still give just about anything to have my old life back. To believe the things I used to believe. To unknow what I have learned. At the same time though, I realize it's just another arbitrary day on the calendar. A day like every other day. So which is it? Hmmmm?

Thoughts from the peanut gallery?

Want2Stay

How about trying to put a positive twist on it? It marks the day that everything came out in the open and you were finally able to start to fight for your marriage. It's the first day of the new and eventually much improved marriage.

There will always be things that you wish you could get back, but it's never going to happen, so instead focus on the future and make your marriage out to be what you want together.

I forget to remember D day.
That may be because we are 13+ years out .... or because of my age

I don't even know the exact date of D-Day.

I do know it was maybe a week before I got injured, but my short term memory is now damaged so that part is kinda fogged.

There are only bits and pieces and what I have on the recorder and pictures of text messages I found on my camera of her cell phone.

My D-Day was Thanksgiving Day. Gonna be hard to forget that one.

Good points DF. I do try to put a positive spin on it. Like I said though, much of my negativity lies in the collateral destruction of our life. Saying our life is difficult is probably a bit of an understatement. It flat out sucks. So, it does contribute a great deal to my perspective. Thanks for the input.

Want2Stay

It's the age thing.....

Want2Stay

I'd say that "marking it" with posts like these is likely unhelpful to you, W2S...I challenge you to find ONE post where Mr. W has done this...In fact, I bet if I called him right now he couldn't even give me the exact date anymore...The month? Yeah, sure...The exact date? Nah, not without a lot of backtracking, if even then...

Why? Because he resolved that he would NOT allow this to define our lives...He would NOT allow it to rob him of the joy of his precious life...That he would CHOOSE to be happy...CHOOSE to see the blessings in his life, rather than bemoan the misgivings...Because, this life will be full of ups and downs...What defines us is how we handle both...

Here I go with your "favorite word"...W2S, I beg you not to "wound pick"...Doing so only insures that life will continue to suck...

How about listing all the reasons that you are happy that you guys are still together...Are there any of those?

Mrs. W

W2S,

Hello my friends. (((W2S & LaLa))


A freind of mine once said, "We are what we see". He said we were never meant to dwell in the stale fog of the past, for that cuts us off from the sunlight of the Spirit that is ever present with us right now. Nor should we shut the door on the past that holds the keys to the lessons that lead to success.

He was a wise friend.

I pray your see some peace today.
Regardless of the past, you both mean so much to so many today.

Thanks!

W2S,

I would have to agree with you. That date is forever burned into my memory.

But the date that my FWH returned home is also burned in my memory.

So take that how you wish!!!

I roll by the anniversary of my d-day without really noticing it. For me, it is not that huge of a deal because I always figured that no real damage was done on the day I found out about the A. I mean the betrayal had already occurred.

This is not to say I do/did not feel a sense of loss, its just that I do not associate it with the day that I found out about the A.

W2S,

Did you notice that D-Day this year wasn't as painful as D-Day last year? That's how it played out for me. What had changed in our M over that second year made #2 less painful and anxiety laden than the first one.

Of course, I'm hoping that means that subsequent D-Days will be even less of an "event" for me. Since I am cursed with an excellent memory for dates (and little else, I'm afraid), I know that I will never forget it entirely. Still, I'm banking on its impact fading as our M grows healthier and happier.

To that end, H and I are now reading and discussing "Passionate Marriage," by David Schnarch. If HNHN and Love Busters were the primers for building a good marriage, that book is graduate level!

Why don't you find another good book to use as a study guide together? Some fascinating conversations and insights can come out of it.

Gotta KEEP growing! This is a NO STAGNATION ZONE!


Right Here Waiting

Howdy all!!

Just wanted to stop by and say thanks for all of your thoughts on this. W2S and I were discussing it yesterday- the significance of putting a date stamp on such an atrocity. Is it something that fades with time? I hate that there is this DAY out there that looms like a black cloud. I know my husband doesn't like the fact that he can't NOT think about it...the fact that he really feels he has no control over the way it affects him. He wishes it didn't hurt him, or remind him of the day I shattered his world.

Then you have the whole DATE...the one you begin dreading several -days? weeks? months? before it even comes, then you have to get through the actual DAY...and then you have to get OVER the DAY for several -days? weeks? months?

UGH! is right.

BUT- here's the thing, I still don't think our life sucks. Although it has been a really rough couple of years (coming up on 3 years since the beginning of the nightmare), I still think things are improving. We have 2 beautiful boys who still have married parents who love each other... many couples don't make it through this. We have our home... many people are losing their homes. We still put food on the table...many can't. We have our health, and we have our families. We both have jobs, and though money is tight--it is there. I wish we could spend more time together, but we are doing the best we can right now. In a few months, our YDS will be starting Pre-K and we can seriously re-evaluate W2S's schedule. I am willing to bet that within a year or so we will all be working/going to school at the same time, which will give us nights and weekends together. What a HUGE difference that will make. Time flies...it will be here before we know it!

So, I wouldn't say our life sucks...not at all!

And tst and Mrs. W...
Thanks to all of you who posted!

The day was already marked. It wouldn't be Radically Honest of me to not acknowledge what's on my mind. I have to deal with things in the construct of my personality. Unfortunately, I have a memory like an elephant. I remember just about every detail that led us here. Best I deal with it out in the open than pretend it's not there.


It's funny you mention this because this is exactly the attitude I used to have. When LaLa and I first got together she introduced me to a personal life coach, Jack Canfield. We listened to the tapes together and I took a lot of it to heart. The basis of which was that you choose to be happy or unhappy. That no one can make you feel anything. It is a choice. So for the first 10 years of our M I was "Mr. let it go" and LaLa was the one with more angst. Now, it seems we have switched roles.


It itched so I scratched it. This wasn't an attempt to "wound pick" but rather an attempt to gauge my progress with other BSs. Make sure I haven't gone completely crazy.


Of course there are many reasons that I am thankful. I'm thankful that our family is still together. I'm thankful that we have made it this far. I'm thankful that I still share my life with my best friend. I'm thankful for all we do have because I realize that there are a lot of people less fortunate.

Want2Stay

Tst,

Very wise indeed! I like that saying a lot. All in all, it was a pretty uneventful day. I was just seeing where I stand in the grand scheme of things. Like LaLa said, much of my issues are tied to us working opposite shifts. You see Tuesday-Friday we see one another for about 45 minutes a day. It's not exactly MB material for M recovery, but it's what we have to do so we try to make the best of it. Some days it's ok and others it's not. That's just the way it has to be for now. Thanks for the well wishes!

Want2Stay

SC,

Ditto for me too. I'll never forget the relief I felt the day LaLa truly commited to R.

By the way, I saw how happy you were over your (F)WH's celebration over Valentine's Day. Watch out, that exit strategy of yours just might fall apart. Congrats on your great day!

Want2Stay

W2S:

My Dday was August 4th.

Its been three and half years.

I recommend that you OWN your triggers. That means creating other memories that make the triggers less significant.

Not easy to do, I understand.

Flamingo and I celebrate the 4th EVERY month. We have a Bottle of wine and celebrate WHAT we have now. That cold, dark marriage that existed prior to Dday is not what we are celebrating.

However, our wedding anniversary slips by without notice. Its a celebration of something that no longer exists. That marriage does not. We celebrate on Aug 4th.

Is that the standard around here? No. But it works for us. Dday can be seen as the worst day of your life, or the day that your world started to make sense again and a new marriage was created. Flamingo feels this way as well.

It all about POV.

LG

As bad as my d-day was, that date has never held any significance since then. It comes, it goes, it's the same as all the rest.

RHW,

Oh absolutely! It was definitely better than year 1 and I'm right there with you on the excellent memory thing. It is fading, just not as quickly as I would like. Since a frontal lobotomy would ruin my sparkling personality and I can't quite get this stupid time machine to work, I'm just gonna have to be patient and let time pass.


Thanks for the suggestion. That's something we should look into when we can get some time together.

By the way, I love your screen name. I don't know if you knew it, but that is actually a song from the 80's and every time I see you post I'm reminded of it. Kind of fits where I'm at. Thanks RHW.

Want2Stay

Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting

The one year mark is coming up for me soon, but I don't have the anxiety I had a few months ago. Other days have passed that I thought would have triggered me more than others but they pretty much passed without the doom and gloom I thought they would provoke. The A is frequently on my mind so the dates don't stick out so much. Is that good or bad?