Me and my wife will be married for 9 yrs this April. Im 35 ans she is 37. We have 2 sons, one 7 and the other 4. And for the last couple of years we basically withdrew from each other.

Then 2 weekends ago she told me over the course of a couple of days that she was having an affair for the last year. But she has been in contact with this other since 2004, an old friend which she says was totally friendly until about a year ago. Her lover lives on the other side of my state so its been a phone thing mostly although they have meet in person and had sex together many times throughout the last year.

Im still hurting angry/jealous and other feelings but I still love my wife and I really want this to work out between us. I have been reading this site for the past 4-5 days and gathering all the information I can and trying to now fulfill the emotional needs she was lacking. I know her act is inexcusable but it was my fault as well. Instead of dealing with my issues, I ignored them and ignored her pleas for us to work things out in the past. I was selfish and didnt see the whole scope of her unhappiness. She basically told me that in her mind it was over between us, we were like roommates and things were never going to change. She also said its not like she went out to find an affair, it just happened. He was there for her when I was not. I was also totally oblivious to this affair. I trusted her with every inch of my body and never once had a clue she was doing this.

So now I feel like im in limbo. I talked to her about it and she is confused as well but I know she is still in contact with the lover. Last night we talked at length and I asked her if she still wanted to work it out between us. And she said yes. And we talked some more and it felt really good. But I cannot go on like this indefinitely and have her have the cake and eat it too. So im trying to be strong for my kids and to maybe win her love for me back using this sites methods. I also told her that she needs to stop communicating with this other person but I know thy still are in contact. As recently as Valentines day when she sent him a text "Happy Valentines Day... thinking of you" And then later that evening they talked on the phone for 5 min. (I found out because she leaves her cell phone out at night sometimes so I snoop). I do want to give her some time to sort out what she wants to do. But Im not going to be some sap which is being used as a floor mat either.

So I should continue this for 6 months until plan B?

How should I stress to her that she needs to stop communication with this guy? Im having a hard time trying to communicate this to her without the Love Busters.

Please help me. Am i doing the right thing?

Welcome. It sounds like you are doing the right thing. Let her know that it hurts you and is very disrespectful towards her family for her to be having contact from the family home with her affair partner.

Don't love bust or have angry outbursts at her. Stay calm and when it is driving you crazy, come here and post. We understand.

The other part of Plan A is exposure. You need to let family and friends (of you and your wife and the other man) know about the adultery.

And yes, she will be furious. But she will get over that, however your marriage may not survive an affair.

Listen to Believer and buy "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley.

Expose WW's parents and her siblings today.

Her parents know as so do most of her friends. Its pretty much out in the open now.

Also another question if I may. Is it wise to call the lover? I have his cell phone and I could call him and talk to him. My wife says he is a pretty good guy (obviously)and he has been through this with his wife before as well, she cheated on him.

I was going to call him to plead with him to stop it until we try and resolve this and if by any chance we do get divorced she would then be fair game to pursue. Is this wise? Or should I just leave it alone?

Don't call that POS. He cares nothing for you. And pleading?? -- don't do it. CALL UP HIS WIFE instead.

In your post you put a lot of the blame on yourself. I guess that is normal going out of the gate. I believe that there is a shared responsibility for the good and bad in a M. Ideally it would be 50/50 all the time. Of course real life doesn't work that way. I BELIEVE your W owns 100% of the responsibility for her A. Finally, a lot of what she has said to you (kind of minimizing and shifting blame) is standard WW-babble. A number of good folks on this site -- listen to them, they help.

Expose, expose, expose.

LOL, I guess that did sound kinda corny. No not plead with him, just talk to him man to man. And he is divorced himself.

He is NOT a man. HE is a POS who does NOT respect you, your marriage, or your W. She elected to bring him into your relationship. HE could care less about you, your feelings, or anything concerning you. I recommend you read up on the Plan A and Plan B stuff. It will be a better use of your time.

Hi Ro,

I am so sorry that you find yourself here. It is so sad to see how many people are going through this heartbreak. You are in a good place and will learn much if you are willing. Study the sit, order the books and listen to the advice. We have all been where you are today.

First, who told you that the OM (other man) is divorced? Was it your WW (wayward wife) who has been lying to you and cheating on you for a year? Do not believe anything that she tells you. Do not call the OM. He does not care about anything that you may have to say. He is sleeping with your wife!

Snoop! Find out everything that you can find out about OM, then expose to his BW (betrayed wife) and anyone else that you think may help you to save your M.

Work the plan, keep posting and pray!

god's Blessings,

Say

RO,

yes call him. No pleading, very bad. You want to put the fear of hades into him. Let him hear your righteous anger at what he is taking from you, the b a s t a r d! Ask him what his intentions are? Don't reason with him, there is no reasoning with him, he smells conquest. Scare him.

Does he want to marry your wife? You would like to know. Just how serious is he about this blossoming relationship? Sounds like it's really serious huh?

This dude is playing with your WW. He wants to get her in bed, at your expense. Confront him.

Then you have a lot more work to do. Confront this creep asap, BEFORE this weekend!

Well its been about 3 weeks since I found out. I have been trying to be strong and follow the advice of this site about emotional needs and just being there for her. Well I think it worked. Last week when I got home from work she pulled me into the garage (we smoke there) and she told me...

"Im not going to lie to you. I just talked to the OM and told him that it was over. I told him that I love my husband and I want to try and work it out with him. so if you dont hear from me ever again this is why."

I told her that I was happy to hear this from her and she became all huggy and kissy with me that night. In a way that she has not been in a long time. It felt great. i also told her that in order for us to get through this NC would have to happen and she agreed.

The rest of the week we did some more talking and spending a lot of time together. I had a few days off for my birthday and we spent them together around the house and that Friday we got the mother in law to babysit and we went out. We had dinner together and went dancing after. We did a lot of flirting and being close, also a lot of kissing rubbing and such. Stuff that i missed dearly for so long.

This week has been a really good week for us although she still seems a bit guarded, like with a wall up. Im trying to give her space because I think she is in withdrawal but she also told me that she still has a lot of resentment towards me still and she is on guard because she thinks that I will go back to being the selfish [censored] I used to be. I can understand this but Im also on guard. recording stuff when I can, have a key logger and hopefully she pays the cell bill soon so I can get her password and such for the cell phone to make sure. I don't think she is lying but I need to be sure. Things are definitely better between us though, like they have not been in years.

Wish me luck.

Dr. Harley recommends that a no-contact LETTER be sent to the OP, written by her, but mailed by you. She says she called it off, but she could have just told him she was going to try with you and to not give up on her. Waywards lie, all the time, even when they don't have to.

Have you set up any EP (extraordinary precautions) so this doesn't happen again? Is she being totally transparent with you? Do you have access to her cell phone at all times, all her passwords, know where she is all the time?

There's a lot more to recovery than just breaking it off with the OP.

It seems like she told me the whole truth. More than I ever wanted to hear. But I do have my doubts still hence the snooping. I do not have her cell phone password yet but I will soon. She pays everything online so its a matter of time that I get the login for her cell phone.

I really do want to trust her, I feel that I owe her that. And that she is telling me the truth. But If I do find out that she still is in contact with him I will definitely let her know that I know.

What do you mean by EP? I dont understand, what precautions should I be establishing?

You can not blindly trust your WW. She has to earn her trust back.

You tell your WW that you need her to write a NC letter, that you have to approve and you send. Mail or email ok.

Many a WW has told their BH that the OM was divorced. This was later proved to be a lie. This is why you need to expose to the OMW.

Your WW to earn your trust needs to be transparent. Provide you with all passwords and cell phone and bills to verify NC.

Tell WW that those with nothing to hide hide nothing.

Ro,

Please do not forgive so quickly. Many a BS has found themselves in a false recovery by believing and trusting a WS. She does not seem to be displaying any withdrawal symptoms which is unusual after having been in an A for a year.

You do not owe her trust. She has been sleeping with another man. She should want you to have her passwords to prove that she is telling the truth and to safeguard the NC. Find out all you can about the OM. Fifty bucks says he is married too. Expose to his BW. They may have taken this further underground. Deception is an art form for A partners.

Snoop! Expose!If you think D-day # 1 hurt, wait til #2.

God's Blessings,

Say

(IF) the longest work in the english language. If you want your marriage to work you should expose the OM.

Lets not forget that this dude lives across the state. 2 1/2 hours away, so its not like they carried on a long term close relationship over the year. It was more of a phone thing although they did meet up several times. Also, they did not talk to each other every day, more like once a week or less. I know because one time she left her Cell Phone online web page loged in and I saw all the incoming and outgoing calls over the past few months.

I just have to trust her. Last night we had a talk while going to bed and she told me that it was over. I mentioned the letter and she agreed, we will probably compose it this weekend. She assured me that she loves me more than she ever loved this OP and this is why she is willing to give us another try because she sees positive changes that I have made. We even started to talk about our future together and plans which we have not done in years. Although she did tell me that she cannot be intimate with me yet because she does not feel that way towards me yet. She told me that she has a lot of resentment still because I was kind of verbally abusive/not there for her for years. She also told me that she does want to get there but there are still walls up.

I know im probably setting myself up for a disappointment, but I think im ready and if the OP is still there in the future I will institute plan b right away.

Had a great weekend. Spent all of it together.Friday our 4 yr old had an ice cream social at the school he attends. We went together and had a blast seeing both of our kids play. Saturday we watched a movie together at night and had fun doing it. Just like old times we are taking, laughing and having fun once again. I finally was able to get into her cell phone records and regular phone records and I can confirm that they have not been in contact since she told me she broke it off.

Last night she again reverberated that she loves the changes that I have made and she began kissing me like we used to kiss each other a long time ago. Also last night we had the most passionate sex in years. She told me that I turn her on again and excite her once again. She initiated the whole thing which made it even more exciting since she has not initiated sex in years. It still hurts to think about what she did to me, every once in a while it still pops into my head and im trying to cope with that as best I can. Im still a bit weary reading all of the other stories here but so far she has been honest and true.

I think things are looking up thus far.

Hi to all,
On 2/22/09 my husband was very cold to me so that evening I went down to the basement which he spent the whole day, I asked him what was wrong and he told me that he wanted a divorce I was blown away, trying to hear what he was saying, I asked if he didn't love me and he said that he couldn't say he didnt.
I came up crying my eyes out, i through he has no right to ask without explaining why so I went back down there and he was on the phone speaking in a soft voice he didnt see me and he turned and said ill call you back, i asked who and was he having affair he deind it.I told him that I was not giving him a divorce due to there was not a reason, and that he was still going to sleep in our bed and act like a husband. On monday morning we had words and he said that me spying was not going to change any thing, will the call he made was on my computer I looked up the number on anywho and found out that it was an employee of his i also found that there was alot of calls to her. that is when i knew he was having affair, so i contcted att, called a cousunlor, went and changed my hair style, put nail on, I'm sorry this trash sl*t was not going to get my husband, she is not married but lives with a man and has three kids, had 2 abortions and lives in a trashy house sad thing is that our oldest is her age, he is 48, I am 47, and the sl*t is 26. I have given her clothes for her children furnitue b/c she didn't have anything, and she is making eyes at my husband.
I called him out on it wed 2/25. I felt I had nothing to lose, he was totally shocked and said I have to go see someone and that he missed up big time, he left and called back about 2hrs later saying he was coming home, we talked and he said that he stoped the affair, he said that he only sleep with her once that is one to many,but had being going to the park at lunch once or twice aweek this started around the end of Jan 09.
I want to make my marriage work, but I have the anger that I want to beat the h*ll out of her and tell the live in man about this affair, my husband ask to let it go that he might try and hurt me or our child to get even.
I made him give me details on what they did, he was upset with me I didn't care. I need to know how to get the imagines out of my head I look at him and i am disgusted at him that he would do this not only to me but hisself, she is not pretty and she has no class,she never finished high school and been here in this country for 12 yrs. and has never tryed to get her citizen ship. I let him know on my worst day i look better then her best day, and that I want to laugh at him for lowerly his standards and that he want to leave me for this, I let him know that I would put his [censored] under the bus and he would not have anything, he din't have any reason to do this, i was griving form the lost of my brother and yes sex was not on the mine I nneded him to be there for me instead he took the easy way to get his pleasure. We are trying to put our marraige back he said that he is sorry and that he does love me and is in love with me.
Sorry for so long. I am looking for advise on dealing with the ow I want her to pay...

Lizzibug,

Welcome to MB.

I'm confused.
I think you need to start a new thread with your story, or did you mean to continue with this specific one of romagnum???