Actually, it's not groundhog day.
But it is Friday the 13th!!

Sory, got no advice, just bumping your thread.

Thanks.

I guess what I'll do is I'll put on my Big Girl Panties & deal with it.

I was probably over-thinking this. I was looking for a strategy but maybe it's not that serious.

It should be interesting - I'm not hopeful or distraught or sad or mad so it won't really hurt to see him. If anything, it will be an annoyance. But, as always & as expected, I'm there for my kid. That is all.

I'll put on my BGPs & deal with it!

I LUV FRIDAY DA FIRTEENF!!

Hey Julie!

You are in Plan D...aren't you? If that is the case then you are beyond Plan B and in my opinion need to be working towards a place that is comfortable for the children in these situations. Every decision you make at this point should be about doing what's best for the kids. Perhaps you can have the children alternate who they sit with at these events? If you do something like that then you take the 'choice' out of their hands. Just tell your son to sit with his dad this time and at the next event he can sit with you.

That's about the only advice I can come up with. These things are certainly difficult and uncomfortable for everybody. It's a good thing that STBXH wants to attend these events even though you would rather not see him. He is supporting the children which is good even though it is uncomfortable for you. Do the best you can and just keep thinking of what is best for the kids.

Mindshare

Anybody out there have any experience with post-nups that include shoveling? While we're at it, lawn care? Discuss amongst yourselves.




:crosseyedcrazy:


Yes I'm kidding. These BGPs are really gettin' a work out already.

Happy VD!!!

Good morning everybody!!

Wanted to update on DD's performance yesterday & the impending STBXH sighting. It seems he showed up towards the end of her 1st of 2 performances because during the first, for which I was seated front & center, she was looking at me, smiling, enjoying herself...then, for the second, knowing he was there, she was very kept-to-herself. Didn't look up much, and if she did it was only straight ahead - not to me or STBXH. Weird.

During the intermission, he waved at me (?) & DS9, who didn't see him, so we went in towards the food area but I felt myself intentionally ditching STBXH so I asked DS, "did you see dad?" to which he answered "no" so I encouraged him to go find him. He spent the rest of the time w/his dad. That was fine with me. When we left, DD went to him, arms open, and hugged him. She confuses me! Though she's probably confused herself. It was not upsetting seeing him at all. I DID call a funny friend and sashe my way around the place, just to avoid the awkwaradness, but no triggers or withdrawals or any of the above. It feels good to feel nothing. Whew!

OH - and we are getting a puppy. It's official. 4 weeks from now. Cuz I wanna.

OH #2 - how's this for weird: Saturday DD12 gets a Valentine's Day card in the mail - from STBXH's mother - none for DS9! WTH? DD opened it, glanced, and stuffed it in a drawer. Nice try, Vile Woman.

Hmm, seems STBXH is Plan B'ing me! He was supposed to give me money Friday & has not, even though we saw him yesterday. I have some other things to discuss so I called him twice yesterday, no answer. Once this morning, no answer. At noon-ish, I get a text: "what do you want?" I did not respond. Seems like game-playing to me, plus I can't fit it all into one text message. Called again after work, no answer.

Am considering using the kids' cell phone to try again (and I suspect he'll answer) but that is playing games. We've got it in writing that he's to give me $___ per month so I'm not concerned I won't get it, but the agreed-upon (verbal) date was 2/13. I don't appreciate him "making me wait" just because he can.

So much for "amicable divorce"! :RollieEyes:

Julie,


12 year old girls are confusing under the BEST of circumstances.

Do not expect consistent bhavior where STBXH is concerned. Not for a long time.

ADULTS act in confusing ways in this sitch. Just love her up and ley her know that her confusion and conflicting emotions are OK. Let her know that she does not have to figure this out overnight and that it will be a long time before she really knows how to behave.

You could not PAY me to be 12 again. God bless her.

Thanks WH2LE.

This just in...DD12 & I just had a blow-out of sorts as she ran my dishwasher with THREE PUMPS of DISH SOAP!!! I kinda lost it. But, as I was apologizing to her & explaining the importance of DISHWASHER SOAP, she said to me, sobbing, "you know he was hung over yesterday right??" I said no, but that I'm not surprised, it was Sunday after all. She said she could smell it on him as he was talking to her. Sounds to me like he hadn't even gotten to hung over yet! Awesome - great job, Super Dad. Anyway, she then declares, "I'm not telling him about any more of my events" This was a PERFECT opportunity for me to be understanding & say how it's normal to be confused & I'm sorry that he hurt her AGAIN.

Ugh, the poor kid. And again, DS9 remains (supposedly) oblivious...

Altho, yanno, at least he came...even though he was hung over/still drunk. Right?

/enabling: OFF/

YIKES...

The divorce service STBXH paid for & I have since taken over all the details for just called. They are just about finished but needed to clarify something & ended up calling him. Woops! Anyway, he told her he wanted to CANCEL and get a REFUND!!

I asked her to remove his phone # and she promptly did. She sent an email to the billing dept & requested the refund for him. I asked her to recall the email, which she's trying to do. She sent another email asking them specifically, despite initial request, to NOT call him.

OH NO - we are NOT cancelling this. I swear he becomes more and more demented each day!!

Our hope (me & the girl who called me) is that once I send my confirmation email tonight all will go thru as billed & we'll be on our way.

Good job Julie!! Stay strong and committed! No more manipulation from H and no more enabling by you!

Keep looking out for you and the kids. You really are starting to break through.

Those big girl panties seem to fit just right!


Mindshare

Well thank you for the encouragement, I sure do appreciate it.

I am about as livid as I can be though. I just got txt mssg from STBXH - he's picked up the boy & is wondering what time I want him home. Very, very sneaky and I do not appreciate this under-handed move at all.

I don't know how to respond (via text) but I sure do need to.

OH, how very, very sneaky and manipulative of him. Get my DS9 wrapped around his finger more. SICK!

Actually, I guess I can't. I am powerless. My only option is to greet them joyfully when he's delivered home, and kindly say, "I need you to check with me before you pick him up, if you'd like to do so when you don't have him."

Possibly he recalls Tues evenings are our Al-Anon/Alateen meetings. OH I do not like this.

Julie,

This is unacceptable. Time for you to set a boundary. Tell H is not allowed to just pick your DS up on a whim. He needs to communicate with you in advance of doing so. What if you had other plans with DS? What if DS had a doctor or dentist appointment? Set the boundary and tell him you expect him to comply. Also, speak to your A about this development and tell A that you want to know what your options are if H continues this behavior. It might mean that you have to file custody papers with the court soon which clearly outlines visitation arrangements. If you don't stand firm on this now the manipulation WILL continue. You know deep down that a boundary needs to be set and enforced if he doesn't comply. Get to work.

Mindshare

First, I don't have an A & likely won't go that route.

Second, I am technically powerless right now, as I sit at work, but vehemently agree about the boundary. I responded: "Thanks. Did we arrange for this? We have plans this evening & picking him up @school works best for me"

STBXH: "(Have DS) at school by 4:30?"
Me: "YES"

Once I'm there I will reaffirm to STBXH, in front of DS, that this isn't how we do things.

Julie,

Please do not have the conversation in front of DS. He doesn't need to be exposed to this. Have this conversation with H separately. Do not yell and do not get emotional. Simply state that you expect him to make arrangements in advance with you prior to picking up DS. Tell him if he cannot comply with this simple request then you will get an A and will put together a custody/visitation agreement. That will be the consequence for him not complying with the boundary that you set. Do your best to keep the kids out of these types of discussions.

Mindshare

OK thx.

I guess I still teeter-totter between what the kids do & don't need to see/hear (ie me setting specific boundaries & holding STBXH accountable, in this case so that DS also knows this isn't acceptable)

My intention was not to yell or berate, the anger quickly passed & I now see this as an opportunity. I wanted to make it crystal clear to all parties involved what will & won't be tolerated.

Julie,

The problem with having this type of conversation in front of DS is that H will use this against you later. He will tell DS 'see what mom did'...'see how mom is trying to keep us apart'. H will manipulate DS and try to turn him against you. If you want to protect DS from this then do not have these types of conversations in front of him.

Mindshare

How did it go Julie? Did you establish a boundary?

Mindshare

Hi there!

Well, the answer to your question is:

I dunno!

Did I ever tell you nobody tells STBXH what to do? Well if I didn't, or if you don't believe, let me put his phone number up so that he can tell you himself. He'd like that.

Me: "I need you not to just pick up the boy on a whim, because you feel like it, without first checking with me"
STBXH: _________________(dead air)______________________
Me: "You don't know what kind of things we've got planned, if he has an appointment, basketball practice, etc. so you need to check with me if you want to pick him up"
STBXH: ____________________________________________________
Me: "Hello!?!?"
STBXH: Yep
Me: "This is foolish. We've got a visitation schedule and anything else needs to be agreed upon in advance. Clearly I need to have something drawn up."
STBXH: "I didn't say that, what do you want me to say?"
Me: You need to respect our schedule & anything I may have planned. It's not OK for you to just grab him & let me know about it after the fact.
STBXH: OK. Fine. I'll call you first. If I have the opportunity to pick him up I'd like to do that. But you better answer the phone.
Me: What?? That's crap. If I have a meeting or am on a conference call it is not to be assumed that STBXH can do as he pleases.
STBXH: _______________________<<SIGH>> OK.

*****Here's where I get bonus points*****
Me: OH, and you can deduct $70 from the rest of the CS you owe me this month. I see you included an extra $70 on the last check for the dentist bill. The thing is, that is your bill and I have no plans to make the trip there to pay it. So you go pay it, and deduct the $70 from your next check to me.
STBXH: <<BIG OL' SIGH>> I don't have a copy of the last bill so I'd have to stop in. I don't know when I'm going to have a chance to do that.
Me: Great, so we have an agreement then. OH, better hurry, that last bill is more than 30 days old & they're charging interest. It's more than $70 now.

That one almost got by me! I almost drug my butt into the dentist's office to pay the dang bill FOR him!
SO, ladies and gentlemen, as you can see I was in EXTRA BOUNDARY MODE tonight! Woo-ha!!