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I'm being nitpicky again. Chrys is not going to find out who made the call, so all of our scenarios mean little.
What matters, Chrys, is that this call caused you to TRIGGER. Did you share this trigger with Chewie (I can't remember if you said you did, sorry)?
If so, how did he help you through this trigger? Is that what matters? Was your post about how this call caused you to trigger, Chrys? I honestly thought you posted because it seemed that there might be OW games going on, and you wanted to know how people here read the call. Although there are other explanations, we all know it's quite possible that the call was from OW. Obviously, Chrys thought it was a likely possibility, and I think she already knew the other plausible explanations when she posted (they are kind of no brainers). So I looked for the deeper meaning behind her post. What help was she looking for. That is why I brought up triggers. (I have no idea why I am explaining myself to you ) Since Chrys is still in the recovery game, triggers and Chewie's response to them matters greatly.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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smb-- trigger. That was pretty accurate. It did throw me off for the rest of the day. We talked about it but he couldn't unring the phone. He told me I was welcome to stay with him in the office all afternoon. I chose not to. The incident just emphasized that I cannot remain married and continue to live in this community. That is the one thing I know for sure. He asks me what he can do and I tell him to get me out of here as soon as possible. Until we leave I don't think there will be huge progress. I'm sure Chewie wishes those triggers would not be there, but we all know they will be. I know that I hate it when SMB triggers, it's a reminder of how deeply "I" wounded her. But it offers me a chance to show her that I'm right there for her. It sounds to me like he offered to help you through the moment and attempted to give you a way to be rest assured that he was on board and understood your pain and fear, and wanted to help you through it. I pray Chewie continues down the path of understanding. At the risk of assuming too much (as Chrys suggests some of us are doing) and of being annoying, I'm going to go back to this call. Isn't a suspected call from OW more than a trigger? I thought that term was used when something reminds the BS of the dead affair. That is what tst seems to be describing. I'm questioning what this suspected call might say about the possible current affair. It might be, Chrys, that you have raised this issue with Chewie and do not wish to post details here. I only keep on about the possibility of the affair not being dead because I have been through this horror and feel empathy with you. Discussing the call at this point is pretty useless. Chrys has no way to find out who called, and she already realizes it could have very possibly been OW. She knows she is married to a liar whose word cannot be trusted. She already knows that the affair could be underground. I don't think she's living in denial about that. So what point ARE you trying to make by coming back to this call again?
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Just that the affair could have gone underground.
I thought Chrys posted about it because it was important, and I thought one possible aspect of its importance had not been addressed. The trigger aspect had been, but not the possible continuance.
I'll stop now!
BW Married 1989 His PA 2003-2006 2 kids.
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To me, innocent or not, the call would be VERY symbolic to what she (me) are going to have to go through living in the same community, especially in a "recovery" without honesty.
Particularly when WS starts to inevitably slack off on EPs. Is he late from work? Why was he on the computer? How come the cell phone bill mysteriously didn't show this month? Was that OP's car at the same store? Is it really poker night with the boys? Why does he smell like cigarette smoke? Why DOESN'T he smell like cigarette smoke?
...ad nauseam...all innocent, except in the BS's heart...
My WW wants to go out for drinks with her cousin Sat nite. Kinda clear I wasn't welcome. I have a decent suspicion she used the cousin as a smoke screen for seeing OM in the past. Do I pick a fight, which I know it would cause? Or do I have to let her off the chain?
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You two should implant a tiny device to keep track of your waywards. Like cows have or pets have.
Microchip them.
If you see any strange "up and down" motions then you know your wayward is not just "dancing".....
I would not trust a word a wayward says to you. Not one word.
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Isn't a suspected call from OW more than a trigger? I thought that term was used when something reminds the BS of the dead affair. That is what tst seems to be describing. I think you are a bit confused about triggers. Any traumatic event in a person's life can create triggers. D-day is the traumatic event for a BS. More trauma is suffered from the rewriting of history, the fog, more D-days, false recoveries, etc. An affair being dead or alive is irrelevent to whether a BS triggers.
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IT WAS ME THAT CALLED...to :twobyfour: Chewie. j/k SC, I was of the same mind as you with the "swapped" phones. Hang ups or unknown callers are more of any issue of trust or lack thereof more than a trigger. Mike - Drinks with a cousin? You could let WW go and then verify that she is with who and where she says. It could be a test depending how you look at it.
BW - me exWH - serial cheater 2 awesome kids Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. --------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Do I pick a fight, which I know it would cause? Or do I have to let her off the chain? Depends on what you are willing to live with. Your wife is chained because she is untrustworthy. She has done NOTHING to earn an ounce of trust. If my dog has demonstrated he will not wonder from our yard no matter what tempting animal walks by, I don't need to chain him, do I? Your wife resents the chain, but hasn't earned being off of it. Sorry Mike.
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IT WAS ME THAT CALLED...to :twobyfour: Chewie. j/k Hang ups or unknown callers are more of any issue of trust or lack thereof more than a trigger. But what's she going to do about? She can ask Chewie. We all know what his answer will be. But since he's a proven cold liar, his answer won't mean squat. Chrys, I can't remember....Chewie did change his cell number right? Mike - Drinks with a cousin? You could let WW go and then verify that she is with who and where she says. It could be a test depending how you look at it. Your wife was still lying to you but a week ago. Even IF you verify who she's with, you have no idea what they are chatting about. If you suspect this person enabled the affair, your wife has no business being out with her/him (?) This person could very well feed her fog. She is clearly still in withdrawal.
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But what's she going to do about?
She can ask Chewie. We all know what his answer will be. But since he's a proven cold liar, his answer won't mean squat. I don't know. I agree his answer doesn't mean squat because the suspicion is there no matter what. This person could very well feed her fog. Agreed. I'll take it to Mike's thread. Now back to Chewie... :twobyfour:
BW - me exWH - serial cheater 2 awesome kids Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. --------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Now back to Chewie... :twobyfour: You're relentless with that :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:
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SC, I was of the same mind as you with the "swapped" phones. Hang ups or unknown callers are more of any issue of trust or lack thereof more than a trigger. That's the way I see it, too. A trigger, to me, is a reminder. Like going by a restaurant you know they used for a trysting place. Or hearing a song on the radio that was popular at D-day and reminds you of how you felt then. The phone call is not a reminder, it's a red flag regarding possible continued contact. It's not quite the indicator as seeing them chatting on a park bench, but it's a lot more than a trigger, IMO. Granted, it was a one-way action. It was someone else calling Chewie. Even if we *knew* it was OW, we don't know if Chewie is reciprocating. It could just be OW being a pain in the patootie, or it could have been a wrong number. It's suspicious enough that it warrants noting, that's for sure.
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OK, this is my LAST WORD about the phone call.
I expected it.
Chewie had taken a week off work and been completely unavailable to her after his NC letter.
It was his first day back. I had his cell phone, his private line had been removed, and he was not picking up his inside line unless the call was announced (at least that is what he says.....)
Of course she would call and hang up when I answered. The time of day-- lunch-ish-- just makes that belief more reasonable.
I posted about it because I wanted a safe place to call OW a troll. That is ALL. I did not need opinions, advice or commentary about the risks to me of continued contact.
I get all that. I get that Chewie has lied until he probably half believes his own stuff. He's not recognizable to me.
I still think OW is a troll. My wish for her is that she wakes up tomorrow with a disfiguring but not-fatal illness, a permanent case of laryngitis, and an overnight gain of 50 pounds-- and that her husband loves her anyway.
Is it OK for me to say that without being analyzed to death?
I can't fix Chewie. He may or may not be genuine in his apparent efforts to fix his own stuff.
Chrysalis
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Now back to Chewie... :twobyfour: You're relentless with that :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: LOL I'm trying to cut back. At least it was only one smiley.
BW - me exWH - serial cheater 2 awesome kids Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. --------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Is it OK for me to say that without being analyzed to death? Sorry if you feel that way Chrys. Not trying to beat a dead horse here. Posting vs speaking with others IRL may come across as piling on because of the method of communication.
BW - me exWH - serial cheater 2 awesome kids Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. --------Eleanor Roosevelt
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I agree that the call could be a red flag; but the man failed a freakin' lie detector test. Are any more red flags really needed? All we can do is speculate about the call. Chrys can't verify who it was, so the discussion seems moot, other than to point out the red flag that Chrys already knows is there. How Chewie responds to a trigger can be a red flag as well. Chrys is still choosing to stay in this marriage, so far. So she notes red flags and eventually maybe there will be enough that she decides to dump him. Maybe not. We had a few hang up calls that triggered me. They weren't OW, but they were a trigger. So, I'll agree that the mystery call is a possible red flag...and certainly a trigger (causing a flooding of adrenaline that leads to the typical trigger symptoms all caused because of a traumatic event--or multiple ones). I think Chrys already agreed with both of those, too.
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Is it OK for me to say that without being analyzed to death? Sorry if you feel that way Chrys. Not trying to beat a dead horse here. Posting vs speaking with others IRL may come across as piling on because of the method of communication. I'm done I was posting at the same time as you Chrys, so I didn't see your last post until now. Sorry. (I wish there was a smiley with a mouth zipper that I could insert here)
Last edited by sexymamabear; 02/18/09 02:08 PM.
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Is it OK for me to say that without being analyzed to death? Sorry if you feel that way Chrys. Not trying to beat a dead horse here. Posting vs speaking with others IRL may come across as piling on because of the method of communication. I'm done I was posting at the same time as you Chrys, so I didn't see your last post until now. Sorry. (I wish there was a smiley with a mouth zipper that I could insert here) If you're going to pile on, it would be way more fun for me if it were all about the trollishness of OW.
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If you're going to pile on, it would be way more fun for me if it were all about the trollishness of OW. I'm all in on that one. Where shall we start? We'll probably get edited though. They never let us have any fun around here.
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OK, this is my LAST WORD about the phone call.
I expected it.
Chewie had taken a week off work and been completely unavailable to her after his NC letter.
It was his first day back. I had his cell phone, his private line had been removed, and he was not picking up his inside line unless the call was announced (at least that is what he says.....)
Of course she would call and hang up when I answered. The time of day-- lunch-ish-- just makes that belief more reasonable.
I posted about it because I wanted a safe place to call OW a troll. That is ALL. I did not need opinions, advice or commentary about the risks to me of continued contact.
I get all that. I get that Chewie has lied until he probably half believes his own stuff. He's not recognizable to me.
I still think OW is a troll. My wish for her is that she wakes up tomorrow with a disfiguring but not-fatal illness, a permanent case of laryngitis, and an overnight gain of 50 pounds-- and that her husband loves her anyway.
Is it OK for me to say that without being analyzed to death?
I can't fix Chewie. He may or may not be genuine in his apparent efforts to fix his own stuff. Chrys, I suspect it was probably her and for the same reason you suspect it probably was her. And if she is anything like my FWHs FOW then this will not be the last call from her either. Like i stated earlier she called me all the time during the time my H was out of work. Only she did not hang up, i do not know if that is better or not because at least i new it was her, this one is taking the cowards way out (why does that suprise me ). Just TRY not to let her get to you and believe me i know that is easier said than done.
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