I'm coming up on the 6 month mark and seems that I've read somewhere on this site that the BS gets very angry around this time period. Could some of you vets chime in on this? I was wondering if you guys have found this to be true? And, if so, what is a good way to handle it?

BS--52
FWW (me) 44
D-Day 8/30/08

Well, I'm not exactly a vet. But I can say for sure it's true. Even though I expressed a lot of anger on d-day and the days following, I still had quite a bit around the 6 month mark. It's more or less gone now, but some more has come to the top recently.

The very best way to handle it is to talk to your spouse when things are calm, use "I" statements, (ex. "I'm having a hard time today with ______." or "I'm feeling angry again over _____.") ask for support and be careful not to accuse. Don't say anything like "it's your fault I feel this way" (even though it might be, lol).

My FWH was very receptive when I used this tactic and asked me "what can I do to help?"

Since I am one of the vets that made this observation about 9 years ago, I guess I ought to chime in.

It has been observed that the BS often shows anger about the 6 months mark. This is not written in stone, but it seems common. The speculation for this behavior is that finally after working on the marriage and dealing with the affair, the BS is starting to believe that the marriage may make it. As they relax the iron control of their emotions needed to deal with the WS, the anger (which is driven by pain, anxiety, frustration, etc) comes out.

Another time period when the BS questions things is around the 1 year mark, sometimes just a bit earlier.

Hope this helps.

JL

Not a vet, but I was angry between months 1-11 LOL. Every situation is different, but around 6 months I had more anger towards OW than my FWH mostly because I was raging angry with FWH and hadn't given much anger to OW. Just the A alone is reason enough for the BS's anger but there are details that the BS may focus on that add to it or the BS looks back on what memories are now tainted because the A was active at the time. If the BS still feel the WS is withhold info or has the "just get over it" attitude, the anger may be compounded.

How to handle it:
1- Don't blame any part of the A on BS
2- Don't tell the BS you know how they feel because you don't
3- Don't tell the BS that their feelings are silly, stupid, etc. It's insulting to be told they don't even know their own feelings.
4- Short of physical abuse, don't walk out on the BS because you can't handle the anger.
5- Be patient, the strong anger will pass.

Thanks to all for the replies. However, I am the FWW and was just wondering how I should handle this situation if it should arise for my BH... And, if any of you found this to be true in your situations.

Dawn,

I think Black Raven's advice WAS to the WS...check her last post again. Good advice there.

I would add, apologize sincerely and OFTEN. Apologize for the SPECIFIC things you said/did during that awful time in your BS's life. I guarantee you, he has never known pain like that before (and knowing you're capable of inflicting it, he's really afraid you could do it again).

Get those extraordinary precautions you will be taking to protect him and your marriage down on paper too. Show them to him, and commit to making them part of your way of living forever.

And for heaven's sake, if the OM is anywhere nearby (at work, in your neighborhood, church, etc), MOVE AWAY!

Good luck.

Right Here Waiting

RTW, I was referring to Broken_souls comment. It just seems more geared toward me being the BS--and I'm not. So, that's why I was questioning!!

OM is 500 miles North--we moved to another state. So, that is not an issue. There is no and has not been any contact with OM for months...

I was just really curious whether most people had found this 6 month mark to be applicable in their situations...