Im in love with my wife and I'll never stop loving her. And I will be the first to admit I don't deserve her. I cheated on my wife. Im doing all I can to learn and understand myself. Im trying to understand why I cheated on my wife. I didn't have a full on sexual affair. But that doesn't mater it still wrong. Why'd I lie to her about things previously. Why'd I lose the respect of our marriage and the value of it all. I am being open and honest with all my thoughts and Im trying to be positive in my direction and outcome.
I understand what being selfish is now. Im not as concerned about my own feelings today like I was yesterday. Im trying hard to put myself in my wife's shoes and I can see why she is hurt and angry. She didn't ask for this to happen to her. She gave her all plus extra. And from our relationship I took took took. And if I did give something back it was only a small amount. I didn't see this in our relationship until now. I wasn't in my marriage wearing a blind fold just going through the motions. I thought it was solid. But I was wrong. It wasn't my wife's fault it was mine. My wife feels my behaviour today is repetitive. I write her letters. I pen her poems. Why? Im scared. This beautiful lady gave me 22 years. We have been together over half our life. Were only 36 now. She is all I know and she is all I want. Doctors have diagnosed me with all sorts of mental problems. Nothing that can't be resolved. And nothing that I see as a viable reason for my behaviour. A doctor said to me that there not reasons or excuses, but there an explanation. I don't know. I do know Im accountable for what I did behind my wife's back. I understand that weather it be a text message, a kiss, an emotional attachment to a full on sexual affair they are all affairs. There is not difference between them. If you have contact with the opposite sex and you hide it from your partner because you know they won't approve then its an affair. Its wrong.
My wife said to me once that I was weak and my boundaries were no where to be seen. At that point I should have said what do you mean babe. But I didn't. I got my back up and I thought I'll show you. Show her what? That I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about! My greatest mistake is not listening to my wife when she was warning me. Was this because Im a male and us men apparently know everything? What could she see that I couldn't? Im beating myself up seeking answers. Im not looking for someone to pull me aside and mother me and tell me everything will be alright! That's rubbish, everything won't be alright. Infidelity is not acceptable in my world and it should never have appeared in the first place. I should have been stronger and I should never have let anybody into my world other than my wife. Im discussed with the thought that when my wife and I celebrate our Golden Anniversary she'll have the thought in her mind that I hurt her 36 years previously. And I know that no matter what I do from this day forward I cheated and I hurt my wife. As selfish as this sounds now, I feel embarrassed and discussed in myself.
I don't want to lose my wife. I have hurt her and I'd give the world to recover and move forward as husband and wife. She is a beautiful lady and she has the most beautiful values in the world. She gave me a beautiful family and she looked out for me. She'd give you her last dollar if you needed it more. Im sorry I didn't appreciate her better. Im sorry I took our love and relationship for granted. Our marriage, relationship, love wasn't routine. It wasn't a chore to whisper I love you. We had all that. I was just foolish, greedy and stupid. I know every action has a reaction and Im feeling the reaction this very second. I hope that time heels all wounds. My wife is all I want. If that's selfish, then so be it.
I need help and direction. I hope that by writing this it's a start in the right direction.
