Hi -

My first time posting in this forum. I've been in the Infedelity forum for ages and it is time for me to move on to Plan D. I posted in GQII, but thought I might get help here. Below is a copy of my post:

Hi -

I have an appointment with a lawyer on the 20th. A friend of mine referred me to him and I have spoken with him about my situation on the phone.

One of my main questions or issues is that I don't want DS exposed to WH and his girlfriend. Which means no overnights at the girlfriend's house with his "pretend" family (WH and girlfriend had a baby boy in December). The lawyer said that he could arrange that & also arrange that DS not be exposed to OW at all as long as WH and OW were NOT married.

The friend of mine who referred the lawyer said that I should do every other weekend for my sake. And so DS could bond with his Dad. That I would need some time for myself (right DS sees WH on Tue and Thur night and on Sunday afternoons) if I ever wanted to get out on the dating circuit. I am not worried about that right now, but I know God did not intend for me to be alone the rest of my life.....

WH has not once asked to have DS more than he gets him now. I know it is not my responsibility to make sure they bond. But maybe I'm not thinking this through right?

I'll post on the divorced/divorcing board too.....

Thanks for any helpful suggestions -

Kim

Why do you not want your son exposed to the OW? And, what do you mean by "exposed"? Since the affair has been going on so long, I suspect that your son has alread met her.

I think your reason why makes a big difference. If the OW could be abusive, does drugs, or is a danger, then obviously, your son cannot be around her.

If you would never allow your son to go to anyone's home where the grown ups weren't married because you believe it is immoral, then I I think you don't allow your son to see OW.

On the other hand, if this is more about you and your feelings about OW, OC and STBX, I would err on the side of your son speding more time with his dad. Dads are really important, no matter how flawed they are.

FWIW, there are at least 2 other threads on this forum about kids being exposed to OP's (AP's or just new love interests). Whatever your reason for concern, it seems critical to set it up when determining custody and visitation. Later on, you can't go back and change it. If it were me, I'd put a restriction in - but keep in mind I was never in this particular situation as my DS was grown and so custody and visitation was never an issue. I did watch what it did to OWH when OW practically booted him out of his role as dad and replaced him with WstbxH.

As far as encouraging DS to spend time with his dad - yes, you want to do this. But only if dad is also willing. If he really isn't interested and he's actually happy with the access he has now, all you are doing is putting DS in the care of somebody who doesn't care. I know, it's hard to believe that a parent may not care for their own child - especially on this forum - but they are out there. Whatever court or custody hearings set - that's going to be the minimum. You'll be able to increase in later on if DS seems to benefit from it.

Thank you both for your replies. My main concern is keeping DS out of a situation that I feel is morally wrong.

I am torn about what to do -- WH has shown no interest, not even asked if he can have DS overnight at a hotel. Does he think I would just say No? I have no idea & I'm still trying to stay in Plan B during all of this. I would definitely be open and happy for DS to have an overnight with WH at a hotel.

I have a lot to think through before my meeting with the lawyer next week.

There is also the house issue and what I want to do with that. I thought I wanted to stay here...but now am having second thoughts. The Finance Rate is due to adjust in 2010 so I either need to refinance or move. Ugh.

Thanks again for your posts -

Kim

It sounds like your STBX isn't interested in putting effort into seeing his son. STBX isn't fighting you to be able to have son in his home, is he? If not, I'd probably get as much custody as you can, since the STBX seems to be totally absorbed in new family. Then, find a good baby sitter for those times when you need to be something other than Mom.

I'd think long and hard about whether you can afford the house. Divorce changes the financial picture dramatically for most people. Don't factor child support in when you run the numbers for whether you can afford the home or not. While technically, CS covers part of the housing, I find it goes to clothes, food, lessons, sports equipment and a ton of other things. Plus, CS ends when your child turns 18.

HI -

Thanks - gives me more to think through....WH is giving me $$ every two weeks already. I am able to cover mortgage, bills, etc. I cover everything else with my income. We split car insurance, 2nd mortgage payment. In my initial phone consultation though, my lawyer said that CS would be LESS than what WH is giving me now. Only by about $60 or so a month.....but that was with me guessing what WH's income is now. He makes a good bit less than I do.

As far as custody is concerned, I am still torn....but lean towards requesting the schedule stays as is. I would be happy if WH asked to have DS do an overnight at a nearby hotel though. He has said he misses DS, but takes no action. He has always been "all talk" and no action, even when he was supposedly reconciling our M.

I feel like I still have a lot to decide before seeing the lawyer on Friday. Perhaps I'd like to move to the south side of town. I'd be an hour closer to my family and still only about 30 minutes from work.....

And has anyone changed back to their maiden name after divorcing (when they have children, it seems like most mom's keep their married name...)? I would love to go back to my maiden name but how would that effect DS as far as the question of "why does your mom have a different name than you?"

Kim

Two more days until I meet with the lawyer. I am unsure what to do about the house.(try stay in it or not?) I think I will be o.k. financially, but am beginning to worry a bit....

Man, this really stinks.

Should I go ahead & take with me as much financial information as I can? And will the lawyer take my info & then do the "discovery" process with my WH??

Kim

Worry about what you want custody-wise first. Then figure out how to pay for it. It sounds like your WH is willing to help you financially without taking your DS from you. Not sure about where you are but in Canada, we can write our own separation agreements and as long as we both sign, they are legal. If you go to court, everything gets split down the middle and CS payments are according to a chart that is set in stone. If there is any way to get him to agree to what you want without court, that could work in your favour.

As far as your house goes, I wouldn't leave it right away unless you have to. The market sucks right now - if you manage to keep the house through this economic storm, it could be worth more later on than it is now when you are dividing its worth. Also, moving is yet another upheaval in your life - if possible, try to tackle one catastrophe at a time.

Thanks Tabby -

I was looking at my mortgage earlier. WH is not on the mortgage, but is on the deed. He had not been at his job long enough to make a difference with our refi several years ago so they put it in my name only. I will need to call them though and see if is listed as co-borrower with just my name.

I'm in the US and the market is awful here too. Would hate to take a loss if I could just stay here and make it work...

Kim

Here, and I believe most places but I could be wrong, it doesn't matter whose name is one what. Assets owned by either of you are both of yours (but ask your lawyer about this). My WstbxH went after my horse which he hated but certainly like the value of. Interestingly, he though I should just suck it up and take all the debts, including the one on his truck which was in his name only AND he was keeping!

Just a warning, your WstbxH may seem to be cooperative now, but that could change in a heartbeat.

Warning Heeded...

I am worried about the chunk of savings that I have put away. It's not huge, but it's there.

I met with the Lawyer today (after I had a lovely Dentist appt.!) It seems because I have not been to the Dentist in a while that I am going to have to have a few fillings and one crown done. I am going to get that done before I have papers sent to WH as I am on his Dental Insurance.

The Lawyer proposed writing up a settlement to send to WH since we already have "agreed" to a set amount for bi-weekly payments for "child support" and visitation. He is also going to ask WH to sign over the house. But still be responsible for 1/2 the second mortage payments. Because there is a second mortgage the lawyer is going to argue there is no equity left in the house.

He gave me some papers to fill out and I plan on getting all of this done once my dental work is complete.

Kim

I have a friend who had an out-of-wedlock child. When they split up, the father wanted the papers to state that the mother could not have opposite-sex sleepovers when the child was with her (but in more legal terms, I'm sure), and it ended up being written that NEITHER could. After marriage cohabiting was okay. Go figure, the father was the one to break the agreement, and the mother got married. Just a warning that you should expect to live by the rules you make, too.

I wouldn't want to have any overnights with my child at home -- I just don't think that's appropriate.

Just saying hello --- Mulan's thread on Re-fi was quite helpful....I am still filling out all the paperwork for the lawyer. Having trouble focusing on all of the stuff he needs. I have managed to fill out the first set of forms, now am on the second. Getting together all of this financial info is not a fun task.

Other than that, just trying to move along. I still have my days of wondering about how WH could do this....

My mortgage is due to adjust in 2010 so I have to figure out how to handle. Property values are so low now and we have a second mortgage. I would love to move from this neighborhood -- I guess if I move though everyone's property value is down.

Just saying hi- Everyone take care!

Kim

If you want to take your name back, do so. I've seen some who kept their name even while married, some who hypenated their name and their husband's name together, and I even know of a man who took his wife's name so her family's name wouldn't die out. It's a preference that is really up to you.

Your son will have a half-sister or brother, do you not intend for him to get to know him or her when born? I understand your not wanting him around OW...is your husband living on his own so your DS has a place to visit him?