|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135 |
I think the move is inevitable ... I'm likely to be looking for a job anyway, why not look in another city right?
we're not separated, so any move would have to be by mutual consent once she agrees to NC and we're in recovery. I don't think I can legally just snatch the kids and move - tell her to come along.
M - 12yrs
BS = me
DS8, DS6
EA D-day = 01/25/09
PA D-Day = 02/12/09
Plan A 01/27/09 -
Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
we're not in couples counseling - ww went to see a counselor to help her sort through how she got here, and what she really wants. I know what she really wants and I will tell you for free: her affair. The IC will help her attain what she wants based on her CURRENT FEELINGS. At the expense of your marriage. Please pay the receptionist on the way out.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 430
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 430 |
You posted while I was typing.
She spent IC focusing on YOU then.....came home and told you YOUR problems....based on her "foggy" perception!! Last I checked....I go to counseling for ME.
My WW is/was going to IC. She goes to a place with "Christian" on the sign....you think my WW or yours is being honest with the C????
Last edited by Carp54; 02/17/09 10:19 PM.
Me 35
W 31
D12
D9
Exposure day 12/29/08 (Ws 32nd bday)
I wanted to fix marriage June 1st
A found out June 11th
W came home August 18th till the end
BS papers from her Oct 2nd
Real papers from me Oct 17th
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I think the move is inevitable ... I'm likely to be looking for a job anyway, why not look in another city right?
we're not separated, so any move would have to be by mutual consent once she agrees to NC and we're in recovery. I don't think I can legally just snatch the kids and move - tell her to come along. What if her affair doesnt end because you live right by the gym? How do you plan on getting your family away if you don't have her CONSENT to move? And why can't you take your kids?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135 |
we're not in couples counseling - ww went to see a counselor to help her sort through how she got here, and what she really wants. I know what she really wants and I will tell you for free: her affair. The IC will help her attain what she wants based on her CURRENT FEELINGS. At the expense of your marriage. Please pay the receptionist on the way out. interesting take ... between you and Carp I'm not hip to the IC anymore ... I'm paying for it, so perhaps it ought to stop before I pay for someone with a degree to justify her exit.
M - 12yrs
BS = me
DS8, DS6
EA D-day = 01/25/09
PA D-Day = 02/12/09
Plan A 01/27/09 -
Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464 |
GWN - she wants to come back to you and she's spewing all the psychobabble because she knows she messed up big time. She would not be able to live with herself if she didn't demonise you.
She's on her joyrney home to you.
Keep up plan A - meet what needs you can and try not to love bust. The fog will clear soon enough. - PROVIDED she goes NC with OM.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135 |
What if her affair doesnt end because you live right by the gym? How do you plan on getting your family away if you don't have her CONSENT to move? And why can't you take your kids? I'm not sure I'm following you ... supposing her affair comes to an end and she agrees to NC. we'd move and start again. I don't see how I can just up and move before that unless we legally separate and work out the custody. Am I missing an option somewhere here?
M - 12yrs
BS = me
DS8, DS6
EA D-day = 01/25/09
PA D-Day = 02/12/09
Plan A 01/27/09 -
Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135 |
GWN - she wants to come back to you and she's spewing all the psychobabble because she knows she messed up big time. She would not be able to live with herself if she didn't demonise you.
She's on her joyrney home to you.
Keep up plan A - meet what needs you can and try not to love bust. The fog will clear soon enough. - PROVIDED she goes NC with OM. thanks for the vote of confidence BK.
M - 12yrs
BS = me
DS8, DS6
EA D-day = 01/25/09
PA D-Day = 02/12/09
Plan A 01/27/09 -
Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
interesting take ... between you and Carp I'm not hip to the IC anymore ... I'm paying for it, so perhaps it ought to stop before I pay for someone with a degree to justify her exit. What usually happens with ICs is they help the wayward achieve PERSONAL goals based on current FEELINGS. For example, your W feels her future is with the OM. What I would expect from the IC is that she will help her bring her feelings to fruition. The IC does not understand that she is dealing with someone who is drunk on the high of an affair and that there is no future in the affair. She will help your W feel less guilty about her hopes and desires by lowering her standards to accommodate her bad behavior. A good IC will teach her to compartmentalize her conscience. Everything your wife told you today about the OM and you? The IC will VALIDATE those feelings.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135 |
about the IC ... I get it. WW didn't dig it anyway, so I'll have no problem ending that issue - I think she went "for me" so that I'd think she was putting effort into sorting this out all while carrying on the A.
M - 12yrs
BS = me
DS8, DS6
EA D-day = 01/25/09
PA D-Day = 02/12/09
Plan A 01/27/09 -
Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135 |
not that there is much context to this ... but APFlorida will appreciate knowing that the french really do produce the best Pinot Noir ... appropriate for days like these.
M - 12yrs
BS = me
DS8, DS6
EA D-day = 01/25/09
PA D-Day = 02/12/09
Plan A 01/27/09 -
Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I'm not sure I'm following you ... supposing her affair comes to an end and she agrees to NC. we'd move and start again.
I don't see how I can just up and move before that unless we legally separate and work out the custody. Am I missing an option somewhere here? You have to move with her or without her, right? Do any of your options involve staying there? I don't see how. Either way, her affair is NOT coming to an end and she does not agree to NC. I suspect it will not until you move and she has to make a choice to follow you. Or lets say she does quit and end her affair - she will be in a perpetual state of withdrawal living that close to the gym. If you start planning it for now, you might be out of there in 3-6 months.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135 |
You have to move with her or without her, right? Do any of your options involve staying there? I don't see how.
Either way, her affair is NOT coming to an end and she does not agree to NC. I suspect it will not until you move and she has to make a choice to follow you. Or lets say she does quit and end her affair - she will be in a perpetual state of withdrawal living that close to the gym. If you start planning it for now, you might be out of there in 3-6 months. I'm with you on that ... I'll be moving either way, but I'm hoping that she's coming with me sooner rather than later. I'm banking on big kahuna being right. She commits to NC in the next few weeks. We put the house to market, head off to Costa Rica to ride out the initial withdrawal, come back to a new life in a new city ... let the real estate sort itself out whenever. you know what ... I'm not so sure about the above ... If this ends in D. I won't move. Triggers be damned, I would move to restart with her - but if I had my druthers I'd stay put. The move is part of recovery, contingent on her coming back ... she's gone, I'll likely stay put, but I'm actually hoping for the former
M - 12yrs
BS = me
DS8, DS6
EA D-day = 01/25/09
PA D-Day = 02/12/09
Plan A 01/27/09 -
Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135 |
thankfully, I could move at a moments notice. not that I'm loaded, I just have options that I could exercise need be.
We could be gone by the end of the month if she chooses to end the A.
M - 12yrs
BS = me
DS8, DS6
EA D-day = 01/25/09
PA D-Day = 02/12/09
Plan A 01/27/09 -
Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I'm with you on that ... I'll be moving either way, but I'm hoping that she's coming with me sooner rather than later. I'm banking on big kahuna being right. She commits to NC in the next few weeks. We put the house to market, head off to Costa Rica to ride out the initial withdrawal, come back to a new life in a new city ... let the real estate sort itself out whenever. I hope you're right and I hope the affair can end very soon despite the fact that the OM is right there. BigK loaded his family in a moving van and moved within TWO WEEKS to another town. The OM was very close just like your situation.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464 |
I suggest you and MIL work on getting her to agree to a 2 week holiday with you. MIL can mind the kids and you can go away for 2 weeks and ride through some withdrawal.
My view is that she is lost right now and she's searching for guarantees that you can change and that her life will be better.
2 weeks NC with OM and away with you plan a'ing your butt off will do wonders for her resolve about NC.
NC is KING - everything depends on it. If she will go NC she will come around very swiftly.
You MUST put as much pressure on OM as you can. Make the affair no fun for him anymore and too much trouble. Get a PI to track him down and then make his life a living hell.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135 |
Putting more pressure on Om would require that i get MIL and BroIL involved to speak with him (if you know what I'm saying) and that would not go over well with WW who is already declaring me a lunatic for the first round of exposure.
suppose that I don't really need to be involved though ... they know his name already, and where he works, they could take the heat. I'm beginning to see a plan emerging. (evil laugh)
M - 12yrs
BS = me
DS8, DS6
EA D-day = 01/25/09
PA D-Day = 02/12/09
Plan A 01/27/09 -
Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 7,464 |
This is all out WAR with OM and the Devil himself for the soul of your wife GWN. You have to get agressive as all hell and creative here.
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135 |
My view is that she is lost right now and she's searching for guarantees that you can change and that her life will be better. How can I offer guarantees ... I'm working on it, but I've got a lot of ground to cover ... all my attempts at emotion and affection are cast off as contrivances at this point.
M - 12yrs
BS = me
DS8, DS6
EA D-day = 01/25/09
PA D-Day = 02/12/09
Plan A 01/27/09 -
Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 135 |
make his life a living hell. suggestions?
M - 12yrs
BS = me
DS8, DS6
EA D-day = 01/25/09
PA D-Day = 02/12/09
Plan A 01/27/09 -
Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
|
|
|
|
0 members (),
820
guests, and
71
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
