I have been married for 13 years. About 2 years ago I found out my wife was communicating with an X-boy friend and was having feelings for him. Long story short we went to counseling, she had got her depression medicine changed and she stopped all contact with him. She never during that time ever met with him since we live close to 7 hours away. It was more an EA.

Now the present. I noticed that she gets in her depressed mood a couple of times a month. At first I thought it was just happening when she was on her period, but noticed it was happening at other times, especially when holidays came around. I started doing some digging and found out that has been doing Google searches on the X's name, and telling her friends from high school that she is still thinking about and she does not want to tell me why because it would just make him upset and sad. I found out with some of the correspondence with her friends that she thinks the only way she could really "let go" is if she truly accepted and believed that she would never ever see him again as long as she lives, as if he was dead....but she just seems she can't do that....she doesn't WANT to do that. I found out from my searching she had a dream about him on V-day....and it made her sad for several reasons...in the dream, she chose him over me.

I am not sure what to do here. How to approach this. I cannot make her stop thinking about him especially if she does not want to. I need advise.

SouthC, what are her top needs?

Psychological warfare.

Do you know anything about this yahoo? Is he married?

Start courting her.
Take her out.
Go on trips.
Go to local museums,galleries, night spots, etc.

Start treating her like a treasure.
Actively persue her like you did when you were dating.

Buy her something small but romantic.
Write her a poem.
Leave her love notes.

Tell her she is beautiful.

Tell her she smells delicious.

yeah...or that.

I agree with Pep. i don't think this marriage has ever recovered and it is just limping along in a crippled state.

The solution is fall in love again and build a romantic relationship.

Can you go to a Marriage Builders weekend? These concepts really do work.

Thanks for all of your advise.

The thing is I have been doing all of what your are saying. I tell her that I love her, Write her love notes even been createive and wrote a couple on the mirror and in the shower with dry eraser markers. I give her little gifts. Do most of the work around the house and make sure the kids are taken care of in the morning. Hug her, listen to what she has to say and make sure that I am activly listening. tell her how pretty and beutiful she is, tell her how wonderful she is, write her poems, I even make sure we go out at least once every few weeks on a date and making sure that I do not do any love busters. We even opened a Wine Shop together and are spending more time with something we both love. This is one thing we have in commen.

I am at a loss. Not sure why she is still thinking about him. Back when she was depressed and having the EA she said he really new her. This is a guy she dated for 4 years in high school. She has not seen him in over 20 years.

He is married and has two girls. His wife knows about what happened a couple of years ago and he is the one that stated they should not communicate any longer.

I am at a loss.

Is there ever a time when infidelity comes up as the topic of conversation with family or friends where you could throw your two cents in about how As are destructive fantasies. Maybe if it was said as a general comment instead of directed at her she'd be more responsive to the message. Does your W still go to counseling?

ok...... so what are her top 5 emotional needs?

The fantasy of a life with the other man is alive and well. It must be put into the grave. Real life has a difficult time competing with a fantasy life. The fantasy must be destroyed as it is destructive to your marriage. So the question is, “How do you accomplish this task?”

You have been given some great advice but I think there might even be more that you can do. You see, your wife has forgotten that she loves you. You are competing with the thoughts that exist in her mind and until she can understand that you are the most important person in her life it will be difficult for you to compete with her abstract thoughts that turn her X-boy friend into a shinning knight. Certainly meeting her needs and romancing her is a big part of the solution, it will ALWAYS be important that you continue in that fashion for the rest of your married life. But make no mistake, the affair exists, your wife’s thoughts are with someone else. That fits into the definition of infidelity.

I might suggest that you consider confronting her on the revelations that have been exposed to you. Let her know how it makes you feel. She may genuinely welcome help to help her replace thoughts of him with thoughts of you. No marriage can prosper unless both partners want it to, so you both need to be working to build love, including romantic love. But, what is very important is that she understands that romantic thoughts of another man are NEVER OK. She may instinctively know this. Perhaps she needs to be reminded that you become a casualty when her thoughts drift towards someone else. And remember what you said, "I can't make her stop thinking about him." But you can sure let her know how it is affecting her marriage and you.

The corrections that were applied two years ago did not really work as the issue has resurfaced, so it is back to the drawing board for you and her.

You will know that you have succeeded when your wife arrives at the following location, help her to get there:


The above is from Pepperband. I thought it to be insightful and so very true and in your case relevant. You may want to consider offering this prescription to your wife to help her. Remember, it works in reverse too. You must rely on each other to make your marriage work.

Mr. G

All that stuff is nice, but did you ever determine if that is what she WANTS from you? Ask her to fill out the LB and EN questionnaires. Then focus only on the items she points out. Throw out everything else for now, and do (or don't do) ONLY what she mentions.

And listen to Pep - what you are doing is NOT what was suggested - and is what I was going to say as well. Treat her special. Treat her like you did when you were dating. When you hung on every word she says. You couldn't wait to see her. Couldn't wait to go on a picnic with her. Stuff that makes her feel like she walks on water.

That's what she is getting from the other guy; it needs to be YOU making her feel that way.

Sounds to me like a one-sided fantasy. She's obviously not happy in her life.

Its up to you to do as suggested and find out her EN's and meet them. You must not be meeting her top needs.

Also consider visiting a doctor and getting her help with her depression. If you're not happy in yourself then nobody can make you happy.

Her fantasy is that the OM can.

Mr. Goodstuff,

I think the quote you have placed in your response is sound and relevent. I am finding also after she has these days that she wants me to hold her more, her hugs are longer and she says she loves more often than normal. I think when she gets in a depressed mood (when she is thinking about OM) that I can approach it with caring and kindness instead of asking if it was something I did. Hopefully in our discussions we can bring this out and then we can talk about the advice that you have given. I agree that everything that I have been doing and what we apply is not enough. I am doing my part and now she needs to do hers.

Thanks.