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Putting more pressure on Om would require that i get MIL and BroIL involved to speak with him (if you know what I'm saying) and that would not go over well with WW who is already declaring me a lunatic for the first round of exposure.
suppose that I don't really need to be involved though ... they know his name already, and where he works, they could take the heat. I'm beginning to see a plan emerging. (evil laugh) There's the spirit. A good friend of mine started ringing OM the day my wife left me and OM phoned my wife complaining about it. Now his complaints pissed her off for sure but so what! In the cold light of day, the pansy needed a woman to do his bidding! I say do this to him. You HAVE to get OM out of the picture. NOW!!!
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW) D-Day August 2005 Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23 Empty Nesters. Fully Recovered.
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How can I offer guarantees ... I'm working on it, but I've got a lot of ground to cover ... all my attempts at emotion and affection are cast off as contrivances at this point. She is phoning you and seeking reassurance at this point. You need to keep reassuring her that you know your marriage was not perfect and what you are going to do to rectify your "faults" You are doing well with this!
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW) D-Day August 2005 Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23 Empty Nesters. Fully Recovered.
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Putting more pressure on Om would require that i get MIL and BroIL involved to speak with him (if you know what I'm saying) and that would not go over well with WW who is already declaring me a lunatic for the first round of exposure.
suppose that I don't really need to be involved though ... they know his name already, and where he works, they could take the heat. I'm beginning to see a plan emerging. (evil laugh) You got it!! Let them confront the sniveling little weasel. MrsW's mama called up the OM and put the fear of God into him. He dumped her THAT DAY. Now, that might not happen so suddenly here, but i assure you it will put huge pressure on the affair. Your MIL would be doing you a GREAT FAVOR if she would call the OM and call his PARENTS. That way the wrath can be directed at MIL and SIL and you can console your poor beleagured wife. Your MIL needs to tell weaselboy that there is no future for his affair; that he will NEVER darken her doorstep and will be eternally hated by your boys. Face to face would be preferable, but tell her to leave her pistol in the car. The OM is a coward who won't like all that trouble.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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about the IC ... I get it. WW didn't dig it anyway, so I'll have no problem ending that issue - I think she went "for me" so that I'd think she was putting effort into sorting this out all while carrying on the A. It is common in IC that patients perceive things differently than what the IC means and often they only hear what they want to hear. After I ended my A my IC worked to get me through withdrawal and pushed toward confessing to my DH who had no clue about the A. In the beginning, I totally misunderstood a lot of what she said to me, but as time went on and my head cleared it made so much more sense. I suspect your WW is only hearing what she wants to and isn't ready for IC counseling since she is way too deep in the fog. Advice from someone who was stuck in perpetual withdrawal due to remaining in an area with way too many reminders, continuing to work with and live near my FOM, if you can move, do it and do it as quickly as you can. LC
Last edited by lifeschoice; 02/17/09 11:25 PM.
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thanks all ... I'm calling it a night.
M - 12yrs BS = me DS8, DS6 EA D-day = 01/25/09 PA D-Day = 02/12/09 Plan A 01/27/09 - Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
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You're so lucky to have your MIL on your side! Its only a matter of time before this A is blown clean apart
Plan D June 08 Me FBS 36 W 38 Married 13/1/09 The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
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hey everyone ... sorry for the late post, not like I'm waking you up or anything. just needed to tell someone that I miss my wife.
M - 12yrs BS = me DS8, DS6 EA D-day = 01/25/09 PA D-Day = 02/12/09 Plan A 01/27/09 - Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
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hey everyone ... sorry for the late post, not like I'm waking you up or anything. just needed to tell someone that I miss my wife. Stay strong mate!
Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW) D-Day August 2005 Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23 Empty Nesters. Fully Recovered.
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got out the photo albums last night ... that was really rough, heartbreaking. She hasn't always been unfulfilled and empty as her words seem to indicate. It was heartbreaking to remember how great things were and to know that this scar will remain, but it was good to help me see through the fog and remember just how deeply I love her.
do a lot of women go through this entitlement phase post-kids? I've sacrificed so much, now it's time for me?
I realized that this all started when both of our kids were finally in school full-time, freeing up her days. This was supposed to be the beginning of the best years of our life.
M - 12yrs BS = me DS8, DS6 EA D-day = 01/25/09 PA D-Day = 02/12/09 Plan A 01/27/09 - Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
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got out the photo albums last night ... that was really rough, heartbreaking. She hasn't always been unfulfilled and empty as her words seem to indicate. It was heartbreaking to remember how great things were and to know that this scar will remain, but it was good to help me see through the fog and remember just how deeply I love her.
do a lot of women go through this entitlement phase post-kids? I've sacrificed so much, now it's time for me?
I realized that this all started when both of our kids were finally in school full-time, freeing up her days. This was supposed to be the beginning of the best years of our life. We have had the same discussion over the last couple years. We started our family young so we never got to be "Mr&Mrs Carp" before we were the "Carp family". Now that our kids are older and we have more $$ we had always talked about building "Us" You are not alone.
Me 35 W 31 D12 D9 Exposure day 12/29/08 (Ws 32nd bday) I wanted to fix marriage June 1st A found out June 11th W came home August 18th till the end BS papers from her Oct 2nd Real papers from me Oct 17th
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GWN, You say your wife has asked you repeatedly if you're serious about changing careers.
I have an idea that I think is great. Get MIL to mind the kids for a couple of weeks, as was suggested earlier. Plan A your butt off during that time. Tell her you've decided to go ahead and change jobs to prove to her that you're serious and that her happiness is of the utmost importance to you.
Come home and initiate a job search, being very clear that you're doing this out of love FOR HER.
Land a job.... in another town.
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thanks TH ... I'm already engaged in that one ... she knows that I've already started looking, I think she's shocked ... "what? he's taking my needs into consideration? this can't be for real"
I've got the three week Costa Rica trip loaded in the gun, ready to fire as soon as she goes NC
M - 12yrs BS = me DS8, DS6 EA D-day = 01/25/09 PA D-Day = 02/12/09 Plan A 01/27/09 - Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
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Does WW know there's a three week Costa Rica trip waiting in the wings for her as soon as she goes NC? Just curious.
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nope. I want her heart, don't want to muddy with waters with "coersion" - besides, it will suck if she takes the trip with me without having decided on NC, she'll just be torn the whole time and not much fun to be with. If she decides to break, I hope that she can begin the journey back to me even in the throws of withdrawal ... maybe I'm wrong, it's not like I've done this before.
M - 12yrs BS = me DS8, DS6 EA D-day = 01/25/09 PA D-Day = 02/12/09 Plan A 01/27/09 - Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
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Your reasoning sounds very good to me. I was wondering if you were using it as an enticement. If you were, it would be easy for her to go on the trip and pretend she's committed to NC -- but if she weren't committed I don't think she'd go on the trip anyway.
Hard to say, though, she might use the trip to "help her make up her mind" and then take her pining and withdrawal as a sign that the M is not for her. Sigh. Waywards have a "logic" all their own.
I do like very much the idea of announcing the trip *after* she agrees to NC. It will give you guys a place to relax and simply be with one another. Let the ol' emotional reserves build back up again.
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do a lot of women go through this entitlement phase post-kids? I've sacrificed so much, now it's time for me? For me, the answer to these questions are yes. I got to the point I was so tired of being under appreciated for everything I did. I supported our family so my DH could have a career change and go to medical school 7 years and 2 kids into our marriage (3rd DD was born while he was in school). He always cut down my "measly" job totally forgetting it kept a roof over our head, food on the table and provided health insurance benefits. Of course, we had no communication skills to work through anything. My big mistake was I did not express to him how I felt about everything and I built a lot of resentment toward him expecting him to just clue in on the fact there was something wrong. LC
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thanks for sharing that with me ... I'm beginning to understand ww needs ... wish I'd seen this coming, so much pain could have been avoided.
M - 12yrs BS = me DS8, DS6 EA D-day = 01/25/09 PA D-Day = 02/12/09 Plan A 01/27/09 - Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
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Once my boys were old enough to be left at the ski resort with lessons and group skiing, I started taking care of myself. I put my energies into getting physically fit by cross country skiing and running.
I was not aware of marriage builders at that time. My H and I were completing our exercise activities pretty separately. Partly because of the need to still be around for the boys. I made a point of telling him about my skiing conversations. They were pretty limited as I went by myself and saw few people out on the trail. I had a couple conversations with men and would always be aware of mentioning my H in conversations and conversations were brief.
I did meet one guy several times one year. We did not plan to meet, we just showed up at some pubicly announced ski events and I was new to the community and wanted to find out more about the best places to ski. He was probably 15 years my junior and we gabbed a little as we were both faster skiiers than others on the treks. But again, I always made a point of keeping it general and mentioned my husband, and told my husband about the conversations. Looking back, I know we should have recreated together more as the opportunities came up. We do it that way now.
I guess I am just trying to say that it is not the case that a mom has to go through a stage of entitlement that entitles her to an affair. Most marriages go through low times. These low times are not a reasonable or rational excuse to have an affair.
Lake BW-53 FWH-54 H had EA 3 weeks 06 Married 1977
N C 4-10-06 3 DSs In Recovery
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do a lot of women go through this entitlement phase post-kids? I've sacrificed so much, now it's time for me? I don't think its alot of women, but it seems to be the type who tries to take everything in stride, a fast ticket to marital hell. Men or women that "sacrifice" alot without protecting their boundaries tend to develop the worst boundaries. And then they ALWAYS blame the spouse when it was their own failure to protect their boundaries. Just remember, sacrifice is bad, sacrifice is bad, sacrifice is bad. I was so shocked to learn that from Dr Harley because it almost seems unChristian, but it is SO TRUE. Sacrifice leads to RESENTMENT, which leads to a voracious TAKER that comes out roaring with resentment and entitlement. Check this out The Giver and the Taker
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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sacrifice is bad ... leads to resentment ... leads to a sense of entitlement ... the taker erupts.
thanks for that ... I'm pretty linear, that helps me understand.
M - 12yrs BS = me DS8, DS6 EA D-day = 01/25/09 PA D-Day = 02/12/09 Plan A 01/27/09 - Plan A with earnest exposure 02/12/29
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